Blood Capsules

Alucarda (1978)

2012-02-11T16:00:00.003Z

Dir: Juan López Moctezuma

Batshit crazy Mexican horror that had me muttering "they don't make 'em like this any more" at the screen more than just about anything else I've ever seen. An innocent orphan named Justine (of COURSE she's named Justine!), who looks a bit like a young Carol Vorderman only more naked, enters a bizarre convent that seems to built within a cave. It's covered in dangling Christ statues and candles, the nuns all dress in bloodied bandages and flagellate frequently, so it's really no surprise when fanaticism leads to lesbianism leads to Satanism leads to the dark side, etc... It is, however, a surprise when you throw in a bunch of vampirism, zombie nuns, blood rain, nuns on fire and goat-faced demons. Words can't describe how hysterical much of Alucarda is. It finally delivers on the promise of so many "all sizzle, no steak" nunsploitation films of its era. The truly insane gypsy black mass sequence alone wipes the floor with much of the subgenre. If you like 70s occult/psychedelic imagery, you'll find very little that will quell the hunger like this one. A lost classic. Just don't expect it to actually make sense (the film's only real flaw) and you'll love it! ***1/2

Who Saw Her Die? (1972)

2012-02-10T14:52:00.000Z

Dir: Aldo Lado

This above average giallo set in Venice sees George Lazenby and Anita Strindberg playing a couple whose young daughter (the ubiquitous but always brilliant Nicoletta Elmi) is killed and dumped in the canal. The local cops are about as incompetent as they are in any given giallo so it's down to George himself to unravel the mystery that led to his child's murder. The reveal of the killer isn't exactly unexpected or amazing and there's far too much attention paid to red herrings but the plot still manages to be darker and more emotionally engaging than usual for the genre. Perhaps this is because the murder victims are children but, coupled with a truly ferocious, near hallucinatory Morricone score, some hysterical photography and the moody atmosphere of Venice in the fog, the overall effect is a strong one. If I had to pick this or the near-identically-themed "Don't Look Now", I'd go for this one every time. ***

The Strange Vice of Mrs Wardh (1971)

2012-02-10T14:48:00.004Z

Dir: Sergio Martino

Edwige Fenech plays the curiously-spelled title character in this lively giallo from Sergio Martino. She lives a quiet enough life in Vienna - married to an ambassador and everything! - but beneath the upper-class veneer, she's embroiled in a bizarre love square involving a sadomasochistic ex-lover and a mysterious handsome stranger named George (played, appropriately, by George Hilton). This steamy melodrama plot eventually, crosses its streams with another about a razor-toting pervert who's running around in trademark black leather gloves slicing up women, and the result is a satisfyingly watchable cocktail of sex and violence. The mystery here is a decent one too, although arguably there's one twist too many. If it'd ended about 5 minutes earlier than it does, it would've probably been the best giallo ending ever. I should probably say something like "Fenech sizzles as always" but you know this already, don't you? ***

Torso (1973)

2012-02-10T14:48:00.001Z

Dir: Sergio Martino

I guess it's a giallo but "Torso" feels more like a proto-slasher, as a slow-moving masked killer picks his way through a group of nubile students at some kind of art college in sunny Perugia. There are a billion pervert red herrings to choose from and plenty of naked girls to distract you from thinking too hard about the killer's identity until the end. "Torso" is clearly some years ahead of its time - its influence and innovation can't be denied - and it's mostly well-directed (bar one massive goof with a mirror) but it hasn't aged that well. There's plenty of bargain basement gore and nudity (I mourn that Tina Aumont remains tragically clothed throughout) and the scenery is great but the plot's just too thin (and the killer's motive too tiresome) to drive it any further. Also the final fight sequence is so hilariously choreographed (director's instructions could've been "flail camply then fall over!") that it takes the sting out somewhat. **

Devil's Nightmare (1971)

2012-01-29T22:39:00.001Z

Dir: Jean Brismée

Dated gothic chiller in which a group of seven tourists find themselves careening around the candlelit corridors of a creepy castle at the mercy of a sultry succubus (Erika Blanc, in various states of undress). As cool as that sounds, there's not much to rave about in "Devil's Nightmare". The plotting is slow, the murders are kinda hokey (although I have to admit, the "drowning in gold glitter" one is flamboyant and original enough to warrant mention!) and the touted-all-over-the-sleeve lesbian sex scene is not as exciting as several overheated IMDB reviewers would have you believe. There's the odd touch of class here and there (each of the seven tourists represents one of the Deadly Sins if you're paying attention) and the atmosphere is nice but it's mostly quite dull, uneventful stuff. If you're going to watch it for anything, Daniel Emilfork's super-spooky turn as Satan is the best bit but otherwise this is a time-filler at best. **

The Scorpion With Two Tails (1982)

2012-01-29T15:06:00.001Z

Dir: Sergio Martino

This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *

Baron Blood (1972)

2012-01-28T22:38:00.002Z

Dir: Mario Bava

Sumptuous gothic horror in which cocky young upstart Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) flies out to Vienna to visit the castle of a long-dead distant ancestor... All sounds fine and dandy and like a setup for a nice tea party until you find out said ancestor was known around the village as Baron Blood and had a penchant for impaling people on spikes and hanging them from his castle ramparts. But wait! It gets worse because Peter's got an ancient parchment that can raise the Baron from the dead as a result of some convoluted witch's curse or other and... well, you know the rest, I'm sure. The script is pretty generic and predictable but master stylist Bava brings it to life with his usual array of dizzying camera work, phenomenal lighting and Escher-like set design. It helps that the dazzling Elke Sommer gets to show off about sixteen different designer outfits, but mostly this film is worth watching for the 'classic' horror atmosphere, all cobwebs and skulls, clanging bells, thunderstorms, flickering candles and creepy secret passageways. You just want to turn all the lights off and watch it alone on a rainy night with a goblet of blood (legal note: red wine is also available). It's simple but effective; a lovely old-fashioned movie and they really don't make them like this any more. **1/2

The Perfume of the Lady in Black (1974)

2012-01-28T19:04:00.003Z

Dir: Francesco Barilli

The delightfully named Mimsy Farmer stars as some kind of industrial scientist who starts to believe she's losing her mind after a creepy friend talks to her about witchcraft and she experiences some bizarre hallucinations. The story unfolds in the same surreal, occasionally dreamlike manner as other "women on the edge"-style gialli like "Footprints" or "All The Colors Of The Dark" and, at times, this becomes frustratingly oblique. The beautiful photography (Barilli seems to frame every shot like a painting) carries it through the most puzzling sections but almost nothing about what's going on is revealed until the very end, at which point (conveniently) the sudden, unexpected gore and nudity kicks in too. However, the ending is one Hell of a kicker and pulls it back from the brink majestically. If you manage to guess what happens, I'll be amazed. I also probably wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley. The climax shares a sombre, nightmarish tone with some of David Lynch's work and, if you've the patience to stick with the rest of the film, you'll be richly rewarded. ***

Vamp (1986)

2012-01-28T15:49:00.002Z

Dir: Richard Wenk

Irresistible 80s comedy-horror with a trio of dorks needing to hire a stripper in order to get into the frat house of their choice. Unfortunately, they end up at the After Dark Club where the dancers (led by the inimitable Grace Jones) are perhaps a little TOO exotic. Bloodsucking mayhem (that undoubtedly inspired "From Dusk 'Til Dawn") ensues. Although she's only onscreen for maybe 15 minutes of the run time, Jones steals the show with her hypnotic dancing and jaw-dropping costumes (a dress made of wire!) but this isn't to say the rest of the film isn't worthwhile. The whole thing is neon-lit in pornographic pinks and greens that look gorgeous. The lead actors have good chemistry which helps the jokes fly high and the horror, when it happens, is full of splattery, rubbery goodness. Stylish and zippy, "Vamp" holds its own and hasn't dated as badly as many of its peers. Still worth a bite. ***

The Iguana With The Tongue of Fire (1975)

2012-01-28T15:38:00.000Z

Dir: Ricardo Freda

Obscure giallo that's every bit as baffling as its title, this one finds the ubiquitous black-gloved killer throwing acid in people's faces then slitting their throats (because, y'know, just the one simply wouldn't be enough). Unusually, the killer's at large in Dublin which, while it does make an interesting change of pace, means that everything looks a little grey and chilly compared with the bright, hot, colourful Roman climes typical of the genre. The mystery here is pretty dismal with the final reveal being more of a "huh? who?" than an "ahhh! them!" but there are one or two nice touches. The detective's batty mother - a half-deaf, half-blind Miss Marple type - is great and has all the best lines but there's also some decent gore and nudity to pass the time while the parade of infinite red herrings are wheeled out ad infinitum. Still, I'd say it's only really worth bothering with if you're a hopeless giallo completist who just can't help themselves. That'd be me then. **

Death Smiles At Murder (1973)

2012-01-17T21:46:00.001Z

Dir: Aristide Massaccesi (aka Joe D'Amato)

Notable for being the only film directed by Joe D'Amato in which he used his real name on the director's credit, this one is, in his own words, "special". It's a gothic period piece and the stunning Ewa Aulin plays a girl whose memory disappears after her horse-drawn carriage crashes in front of a rich couple's mansion. From there, the plot spins off in several directions that take in the usual D'Amato themes of necrophilia, obsession and violent death, with a little bit of "Mad Science With Klaus Kinski" thrown in for good measure. Perhaps mismarketed as some kind of giallo, this bears far more relation to dreamy, abstract pieces like "Lisa & The Devil" or "La Vampire Nue". It doesn't make a lot of sense on first viewing but there's a feeling encouraged by the film's fervour that, beneath the madness and the leaden pacing, are the seeds of a brilliant, serious vision that perhaps D'Amato never got chance to fully realise as his career became ever less adventurous. Beautifully shot and loaded with bizarre imagery, this may not be his most watchable film but it's undoubtedly his most ambitious and the one to show to non-believers who doubt his artistry. ***

The Baby (1973)

2012-01-16T19:33:00.002Z

Dir: Ted Post

An obscure 70s movie that's garnered cult classic status over time, I remember reading about this some twenty years ago and yet I've only now got round to watching it. I have to admit that it was a disappointment. Once you get over the shock of the unpleasant premise, it's really quite a boring film. A grown man with the apparent mental capacity of a small infant is treated like one by his mother and two older sisters. They keep him in a crib, call him only "Baby" and punish him with cattle prods when he does anything that might suggest he's growing up. There's a social worker trying to save "Baby" but it's clear from the start that she may have her own ulterior motives and dark secrets too... Some of the special 70s touches - the hair, the lighting, the costumes, the dancing, Suzanne Zenor - are enjoyable but these can't save the drab, lifeless TV-movie-like script/direction and the fact that it's just a little bit offensive. It deals with heavy subject matter like mental illness and child abuse in a way that's neither sensitive and well-informed, nor intentionally, gleefully tasteless. Instead it's just a bit misguided and leaves an aftertaste somewhere between a yuck and a yawn. *

Witchery (1988)

2012-01-13T10:19:00.000Z

Dir: Fabrizio Laurenti

(aka Ghosthouse 2, La Casa 4, Witchcraft)

Ropey late-80s Italian chiller in which a sexy virgin (Leslie Cumming, whose tragically short film career consists of just this and the even worse "Zombie 5 : Killing Birds") gets trapped on a haunted island with a witch, a pregnant girl (Linda Blair!), a rich old couple, some creepy real estate agents, a kid with the most annoying voice EVER and... (wait for it)... David Hasselhoff. What the Hoff was doing in this is beyond me but it marks either the high or the low point of his career, depending on how you judge things. There are many dubious aspects of "Witchery" - it's slow, badly acted, cheaply made and not entirely logical - but I have a soft spot for the sheer weirdness level. The gore FX are nasty and imaginative, it almost manages to be spooky at times and there are a few trippy, messed-up ideas buried beneath the more obvious ones (ie: while it's no surprise that Linda Blair's character gets possessed, it certainly feels new when she hallucinates two witches roasting a foetus on an open fire!). I'd never try to say this was a GOOD movie but it's easily watchable B-Grade fodder and there's much worse out there. **

The Night Child (1975)

2012-01-10T21:55:00.004Z

Dir: Massimo Dallamano

(aka The Cursed Medallion, Perche?!)

This low-key Italian chiller tells the story of Emily (Nicoletta Elmi), a young girl whose documentary-making father (Richard Johnson) is working on a piece about "diabolical art". Intrigued by a photograph of a rare painting, he drags Emily and her nanny to Italy for a look at the ghastly thing (a Bosch-like panorama of demons, crazy-eyed peasants and women on fire) up close. Needless to say, there's a curse involved and Emily finds herself at the centre of it, exhibiting increasingly weird and violent behaviour as the family spiral towards certain doom. Lavishly photographed in opulent locations and punctuated by a delicate musical score, The Night Child is Dallamano's take on the "classic" ghost story model and it holds up beautifully next to the best of 'em. Nicoletta Elmi, in a rare lead role, gives it her all and turns in a creepy, show-stealing performance. The pacing takes a little patience and the characters could maybe use some fleshing-out but it's worth the wait for the bleak and heartbreaking finalé. A subtle, serious horror film. ***1/2

Buio Omega (1980)

2012-01-08T21:46:00.003Z

Dir: Joe D'amato

(aka Beyond The Darkness, The Final Darkness, Buried Alive)

Millionaire playboy Frank (an unforgettable turn by Kieran Kanter) is consumed by grief and decides to keep his beautiful girlfriend (Cinzia Monreale) around after she dies. He steals her corpse, embalms it and keeps it in bed with him at his isolated villa, convinced that nothing could possibly go wrong with this plan... and how could it, right? "Buio Omega" is a wild original. A film so unutterably barmy that it plays almost like an extreme Horace Walpole novel, blending high camp soap plotting and gothic melodrama with genuinely disgusting, graphic gore and sex. It's hard to take the latter elements seriously when the story hits its most absurd highs and yet still somehow the combination of gorgeous location photography, a fantastic Goblin score (one of their best ever) and the sheer grimness of the ideas leaves an unsettling feeling behind. It's illogical, uneven and ludicrous but you'll never see another film like it and for that it's kind of brilliant. ***1/2

What Have They Done To Your Daughters? (1974)

2012-01-08T16:11:00.001Z

Dir: Massimo Dallamano

A skillful blend of giallo and poliziotteschi courtesy of the ever-dependable Massimo Dallamano. Once again, Dallamano reaches higher than the usual confines of his genre and turns in an angry film about political corruption and the exploitation of children. There's definitely more thought and feeling put into this story of vice rings and black-gloved murderers than the usual sleazy parade of tits and gore. Although, to be fair these things are also amply provided for. Sherry Buchanan provides the former; some well-aimed meat cleavers to the heads and arms of hapless victims provide the latter. On the poliziotteschi side, we've got a cop who's boiled harder than nails (the late Claudio Cassinelli) and some of the most vibrantly shot car chase sequences I've ever seen. If you're expecting proper giallo, the weak "mystery" element will no doubt disappoint but it's an entertaining, impeccably made film and definitely worth a look to those with a deeper interest in the genre. **1/2

The Bird With The Crystal Plumage (1969)

2012-01-08T16:10:00.001Z

Dir: Dario Argento

An American writer in Rome witnesses a beautiful woman being stabbed by an anonymous black gloved killer in an art gallery and an entire genre is born. While Dario Argento's infamous debut may not be the first giallo film, it certainly created many of the themes, ideas and aesthetics that would subsequently shape the genre. Nowadays it's maybe hard to appreciate the sheer level of innovation that's on offer throughout "Bird" as it's been imitated so many times. But once you do, it's even harder to deny Argento's genius. Working with a top-notch crew that includes Vittorio Storaro and Ennio Morricone, he crafted a stylish, violent and inventive thriller that's still highly watchable today (and is looking better than ever on Blu Ray). It's let down only by how dated and simplistic the mystery plot appears in the light of the many wilder, crazier and more convoluted gialli that followed it. Truly, maestro, we have been spoiled. **1/2

What are Those Strange Drops of Blood Doing On Jennifer's Body? (1972)

2012-01-04T20:56:00.002Z

Dir: Giuliano Carnimeo

(aka "The Case of the Bloody Iris")

Edwige Fenech plays a fashion model who falls prey to a masked serial killer operating in her building, although this may be the least of her worries as she's also on the run from her husband's sex cult (yes, sex cult), hit on by her lesbian neighbour and glared at menacingly by the creepy old lady next door who may or may not have a hideously deformed son... A pair of the funniest giallo cops ever try (badly) to sift through all these misfits (and more) to work out who the killer is while he merrily stabs and drowns and flays his way through a series of screaming women. The mystery in this fairly run-of-the-mill giallo is both easy to guess and a little strained but, although it loses points on plot, many of the genre's staple ingredients are present and correct; ultra-stylish photography, cool and unusual location shooting, beautiful women, eye-popping fashions and a couple of memorable set piece scenes. It's not upper echelon stuff but if you're looking for an inoffensive and zippy giallo to pass the time, you could sure do a lot worse. **1/2

Solstice (2007)

2012-01-03T21:08:00.002Z

Dir: David Myrick

Dullness abounds in this horror that blends two of my least favourite fads of the past decade; post-"Scream" teen soap opera horror and post-"Ring" soggy dead girl ghosts. Ugh. In this one, a group of attractive teens (and two of their notably less attractive friends) drive out to a house in the woods to party on the summer solstice (what with pretty much every other significant date on the calendar having been used up in 80s slashers and all). Then strange, scary things start happening! Oh no, wait. That's a lie. TREMENDOUSLY MUNDANE THINGS start happening. A car won't start and the lights flicker. The water is muddy. A girl falls into a small hole and hurts her ankle. A girl breaks a nail. An old man gives them all a watermelon. A local shopkeeper freaks them all out by talking about voodoo. This yawnfest concludes with a denouement that should be tragic but instead feels hilarious because it's so overplayed and absurd. Don't let the presence of Amanda Seyfried or Shawn Ashmore fool you into thinking this is worth watching. *

The Nesting (1981)

2011-12-31T16:41:00.001Z

Dir: Armand Weston

An agoraphobic author moves into a haunted (former) whorehouse in this early 80s potboiler. All the staple haunted house elements are present (breaking glasses, strange noises, disappearing furnishings, etc) and although the conceit of agoraphobia provides a nifty answer to the perennial "Why don't you just leave?" question in these movies, there are few other surprises. The twist is signposted from very early on and while it's not a terrible one, it all feels a little bit TV Movie Of The Week. What's bizarre is that this is the only "straight" feature by the mysterious and enigmatic (and now dead) hardcore porn director Armand Weston. Perhaps he was intentionally playing it very safe in order to launch a mainstream career (if so, it didn't work) but, sadly, I think a large dose of nudity (of which there's almost none) and gore (of which there's little beyond one pretty mean sickle-in-the-face moment) is exactly what's needed. Especially for a haunted whorehouse movie! It's all very sweet and sincerely made but, sadly, there's not a lot here that's memorable. As a bonus, there are some quotably bad one-liners though ("You're too crazy to be crazy!" and "You wanted to type on my typewriter!" being two examples). **

Anthropophagus (1980)

2011-12-31T16:36:00.002Z

Dir: Joe D'Amato

Even the makers admit to being a little embarrassed about this extremely dark exploitation flick but I'd have to argue its virtues with them. It may seem like standard fare as a crazed cannibal (played by the film's screenwriter, George Eastman!) stalks a group of hapless tourists around a remote Greek island, and it may be pretty gross and sleazy in parts (I mean, yeah, homeboy eats a foetus) but I think it's been done a disservice by those who regard it as just trash. Maybe it's time and nostalgia that have improved it but I actually think "Anthropophagus" is a damn fine, slow-burning slasher. The atmosphere is moody and although the gore doesn't really start in force until some 70+ minutes into the movie, there's a feeling of dread constructed perfectly by the cast, locations, photography and yes, even the script. It's pretty tight and the killer's back story is original and weird enough to work. The truly stunning Tisa Farrow stars as the terrified but headstrong heroine and her performance is emotional and greatly underrated. Even Eastman, as the killer, is seriously scary in his weird face make-up and bald wig, and the ending he writes for himself is as black as they come. Still shocking some 30 years on. ***1/2

Footprints (1975)

2011-12-31T16:34:00.001Z

Dir: Luigi Bazzoni

Unusual sort-of giallo in which a woman who may or may not be named Alice (Florinda Bolkan) wakes up after three days, unable to remember where she's been or what she's done. The only clue is a torn up postcard on her kitchen floor from a place called Garma. Naturally, she heads to Garma to try and unravel the mystery and everything gets weird and dreamlike from there... It's a curious premise and one that works well. Sadly, it leads to a fairly obvious twist (which eagle-eyed gialli viewers will recognise as being similar to one in another of Bolkan's films from the era), the way in which it's presented is eerie and original. The film was "lost" for years until recently which is surprising given the incredible pedigree (Bazzoni and Vittorio Storaro behind the cameras... Bolkan, Klaus Kinski and a young Nicoletta Elmi in front of them...) and the fact that, despite being a little ponderous, "Footprints" has something about it that really sticks in your mind. The dream sequences are subtly disturbing, the island of Garma is spooky as Hell and those final images are hard to shake. It's a shame Bazzoni did so little genre work because he clearly understood what he was doing and had a unique vision for it. ***

Monsters (2009)

2011-12-29T17:01:00.000Z

Dir: Gareth Edwards

Set sometime in the near-future, a NASA probe containing alien creature samples has crashed over Mexico. These creatures are giant, dangerous squid-like beasties who can't be controlled and, as a result, parts of Mexico are sealed off as Infected Zones. A photographer is assigned to get his boss's daughter home from Mexico and the film follows their journey through said Infected Zones back to the US border. Monsters is a bizarre, low-key film and one that doesn't always work. Too much of the film is spent on filming our heroes walking through bleak locations in silence when it could be spent on character development and the pace drops almost unbearably in the middle. However, it is all impeccably shot and directed, the story is unusual enough to resonate and the unexpected ending comes from out of nowhere and is - most shocking of all - really rather beautiful. **1/2

The Shrine (2010)

2011-12-29T17:00:00.002Z

Dir: Jon Knautz

A bonehead journalist drags her photographer boyfriend (who could do a whole lot better, all things considered) and her cannon fodder intern on an unsanctioned trip to Poland. They try (badly) to track down a number of American backpackers who've gone missing but instead find a spooky cloud of fog in the forests, a bleach-blonde gym-rat farmer who LOVES TO SHOUT and a statue of the Devil with eyes that cry blood! Yeah! Now we're talking. The Shrine is above average for this kind of horror as it takes a couple of risks - from the three significant tonal shifts in the film to the fact that there's a whole 15 minute section with dialogue entirely in unsubtitled Polish - and they pay off for the most part. The photography is that horrible washed-out blue that's a touchstone for "HORROR!" nowadays but otherwise, this is a zippy, gory little B-feature that'll pass the time on a lazy afternoon. **1/2

All The Colors of the Dark (1972)

2011-12-29T17:00:00.001Z

Dir: Sergio Martino

A group of Satanic creeps stalk the scarcely-more-stunning Edwige Fenech around London, trying to indoctrinate her into their weird cult. It's not really much of an offer since all they seem to do is paint their faces white, drink fox blood and do this weird shuffly line-dance thing. But hey. At least they all have really shit tattoos of an eye in a triangle scrawled on their wrists. Am I selling it? No? Well, needless to say, Fenech ain't buying it either so she spends much of the film trying to out-run them while slowly becoming convinced that she's losing her mind. This is a stylish, entertaining and unpredictable giallo with more beautiful women, cool location shoots and crazy 70s Satanists than you can shake your magic wand at and, as a result, is well worth seeking out. ***

Amer (2010)

2011-12-29T16:58:00.000Z

Dir: Hélène Cattet / Bruno Forzani

Slow, pretentious snoozefest without much in the way of plot shows us three key events in a girl's life that involve sex and death. These incidents are demonstrated largely through endless close-ups of earlobes, fingernails, navels, nostrils, etc. There's some Bava-style lighting and some music stolen from classic gialli but it owes more to French new wave cinema and dialogue-free avant garde directors like Kenneth Anger. The main problem is that while the directors it pays tribute to were genuine mavericks, "Amer" instead just clunkily recycles stuff that's been done better some 30+ years ago. There's nothing challenging about that. It's almost the antithesis of the art they're imitating. I suppose it works as a self-aggrandising showreel for the directors to show off how clever they think they are but, as a film, it's unwatchably dull. *

Phenomena (1984)

2011-12-29T16:56:00.002Z

Dir: Dario Argento

Jennifer Connelly talks to the insects and befriends a monkey with a penchant for straight razors in this marvelously bonkers giallo. Phenomena blends a classic "killer on the loose in a girls boarding school" plotline with sprinklings of the gothic grand guignol Argento played with in "Suspiria" and "Inferno" and somehow it works. I think it's mostly Argento's tremendous confidence in what he's doing that pulls "Phenomena" through. At times even the really terrible artistic decisions (like playing Iron Maiden's "Flash of the Blade" loudly over the top of a knife murder) kinda work just because everything's so amped up and stylized. It's like he's just shrugging and saying "so what? I think it's cool" and that works. What's particularly cool is that, although it's not remotely realistic, the plot actually makes a strange kind of sense by the end. Or maybe the film's just obliterated the bothersome braincells that were raising objections. Good shit. ***1/2

What Have You Done To Solange? (1972)

2011-12-29T16:54:00.001Z

Dir: Massimo Dallamano

Fabio Testi plays an Italian gym teacher working at an all-girl private school in London and he's having it away with one of the pupils (which it's tough to judge him for when said pupil is played by Cristina Galbo). This idyllic situation turns bad when they're out necking in the woods one day and she accidentally witnesses a brutal murder by a black-gloved killer. D'oh. The mystery solving that follows is above average giallo stuff and holds together well while managing to squeeze in as many sleaze/exploitation touchstones as possible. There's almost wall-to-wall nudity, a crackin' Morricone soundtrack, some pretty nasty stabbings and a haunting turn by Camille Keaton as the title character. It's held together with skill by Dallamano, who's got to be one of the most underrated directors of his era. Although it's pure pulp, one always gets the feeling he's striving for something deeper and Solanage is a strong effort and one of the better gialli out there. ***

Saint (2010)

2011-12-29T16:52:00.002Z

Dir: Dick Maas

Super-stylish Dutch Christmas horror in which Saint Nicholas turns out to be a zombie bastard with an army of black orc slaves who kill indiscriminately, steal children and ship them off to Spain in giant flying ships. No, really. I'm not making this up. Worse still, this is loosely based on a real Dutch Christmas story. Still, in this film, it's up to the obligatory rebel teenager and an alcoholic cop-on-the-edge to save the day. There's not much in the way of surprises once you've digested the premise but the film's absolutely beautiful to look at, the prosthetic gore FX are squishy, plentiful and effective, and the monster designs are pretty cool. It can never quite decide how serious it wants to be (the rooftop horse chase scene is particularly hilarious) but I'd say go into this one for the yuks and you won't be disappointed. Definitely one of the better Christmas horrors. ***

Lisa and the Devil (1974)

2011-12-29T16:51:00.000Z

Dir: Mario Bava

Elke Sommer parades around a gothic mansion in a series of gorgeous outfits in this most surreal and personal Mario Bava film. There's a soapish web of family secrets, dead lovers littering the house like dustmites and Telly Savalas as a spooky mannequin-bothering butler who may or may not be the Devil. The dreamlike nature of the film makes it hard to really discern exactly what's happening (and if you get a bad DVD transfer like the R1 Image Entertainment one it's even harder as the audio track is virtually inaudible) but there's something to it nevertheless. The photography is beautiful, Sommer and Savalas play their parts perfectly and some of the weird imagery is unforgettable. Shame it's marred by the fact that there really isn't a decent print available anywhere. This one really needs a lovingly restored Blu Ray version to happen soon so it can be enjoyed as intended; a beautiful kaleidoscopic nightmare. **1/2

Wicked Little Things (2006)

2011-12-29T16:49:00.001Z

Dir: J.S. Cardone

Veteran horror director Cardone hands over a workmanlike zombie flick that trundles along competently without ever offering anything above the strictly average. Lori Heuring, Scout Taylor-Compton and Chloe Moretz all do their best with what they've got, playing a mother and her two daughters. They move to a creepy house they've inherited somewhere up in the woods and live happily ever with their new real estate that soon increases in value. No, I'm kidding. It all goes horribly wrong. A bunch of kids who got buried in a 19th Century coal mining accident haunt the place, bashing in people's heads with pick-axes, eating livestock and generally doing stuff that creepy ghost/zombie kids might do. It's not a terrible film but it is so generic and loaded with familiar tropes and clichés that you'll struggle to pay attention for the full 90 minutes. The decent cast is kind of wasted on the material and the zombie kids look a bit too silly to ever really scare. *1/2

The Fifth Cord (1971)

2011-12-29T16:48:00.000Z

Dir: Luigi Bazzoni

Franco Nero plays a grizzled alcoholic journalist who becomes embroiled in a series of murders that start with an assault at a groovy psychedelic New Year party and continue every Tuesday with shocking regularity. Nero becomes prime suspect and the typically giallo race against time is soon on for him to prove his innocence. The plot is a bit ropey (no cord pun intended) but there are some nice flourishes and the tone is both consistent and deadly serious. There's a pretty tremendous chase sequence at the end too. However, what elevates "The Fifth Cord" above so many gialli from its era is the photography, courtesy of Vittorio Storaro (who'd later go on to shoot "Apocalypse Now"). Almost every scene is aesthetically breathtaking. You could freeze frame it just about anywhere and get something that looked like a still worth framing on your wall. Definitely a worthy addition to any giallo fan's collection. ***

Deep Red (1975)

2011-12-29T16:47:00.000Z

Dir: Dario Argento

The giallo's giallo, Deep Red is about as good as the genre gets. Although its plot follows a pretty familiar pattern (a foreigner (David Hemmings) in Rome witnesses a brutal murder and must prove his own innocence before the cops lock him up for it), the script is way slicker than most. There's a great rapport between Hemmings and Daria Nicolodi (a reporter who offers help in solving the crimes) and even some humour in there, which is rare for Argento. The set design and photography are both unbelievable and Argento's direction keeps things tight, brutal and beautiful. Goblin's ferocious musical score still sounds incredible today and the killer's reveal at the end is simply the most audacious and ingenious twist I've ever seen in a detective story. Brilliant stuff. ****

The Violent Kind (2010)

2011-12-29T16:46:00.000Z

Dir: The Butcher Brothers

The Butcher Brothers have another crack at genre-hopping horror in a similar vein to their earlier effort, The Hamiltons. Again, we're faced with a slightly lopsided "family"; in this case a group of bikers who go up to their isolated cabin in the woods for a party and wind up staying overnight when their engines stop working. This leads to, at first, a kind of "Sons of Anarchy" meets "The Evil Dead" type affair but soon takes a turn for the seriously weird. I won't spoil it because I quite enjoyed watching it unfold without having any idea what was going to happen and, for that, I've got to give them credit. Arguably, "The Violent Kind" bites off a little more than it can chew by throwing so many elements into the mix but the script and performances are all pretty strong and I do gives points for originality. **1/2

Inferno (1980)

2011-12-29T16:45:00.000Z

Dir: Dario Argento

Beautifully barmy, this gothic horror from Argento's halcyon period is definitely his most abstract and Bava-esque creation (unsurprisingly since Bava worked, uncredited, on the set design). There's a story in there somewhere about the architect who built the houses for The Three Mothers (the demonic witches from Suspiria) and some keys that must be found are an adequate MacGuffin to drag a group of characters through a whirlwind of surreal, violent imagery. The script's approach to matters magical and esoteric is surprisingly perceptive but it's less effective when it comes to linear storytelling. Looking better than ever on Blu Ray, I feel the only way to properly digest Inferno is to detach it from reality and just go with it. It's not a film for everyone but it is a fascinating and unique entry into Argento's oeuvre. ***

Ravenous (1999)

2010-05-03T19:20:00.002Z

Dir: Antonia Bird

Boring, pretentious twaddle about a party of travelers in 1840s California who run out of food and resort to cannibalism. A similar story is presented in a far more believable, moving and interesting way in Trey Parker's "Alferd Packer : The Musical!" and that should tell you all you need to know. For one, this film expects the viewer - without sufficient set-up - to swallow the fact that eating human flesh turns you into an invincible superhuman. Even if you can deal with that ol' chestnut, the total lack of characterisation or emotional core remains tough to digest. It's just one of those insufferable movies that thinks it's being awfully clever but fails to even spell "Nietzsche" correctly when quoting him on the film's epigram. Nice going, guys. The occasional attempt at black comedy also fails to satisfy. You'll just feel empty inside after this one. See? It's so depressingly bad, I can't even be bothered to make decent food puns.

The Good Sisters (2010)

2010-04-29T19:04:00.003Z

Dir: JimmyO Burril

"The Good Sisters" tells a strange tale of two witch sisters (scream queens April Monique Burril and Debbie Rochon) living in a boarding house full of people who may or may not be out to kill them and it's a rare example of what can be achieved when small-scale indie horror takes itself seriously. While I'm sure as Hell not averse to balls-out gonzoid splatter played for yuks, it does sometimes feel as though filmmakers are writing themselves a get-out clause, lest anyone criticise their efforts ("well, we weren't taking it seriously, so nyah!"). This is why, despite its limitations and the odd flaw, "The Good Sisters" really impressed me. It has the balls to be a smart, character-driven and mostly quite sombre film even though it clearly didn't cost much to make. Writer/director Burril excels at penning good, naturalistic dialogue and the film's increasingly paranoid atmosphere lends weight to the punch that's delivered when the gore kicks in. Don't go into it expecting glossy cinematic perfection but do keep an eye on Forbidden Pictures because, if this is anything to go by, greatness is very much on the horizon for them. ***

Lemora : A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973)

2010-04-25T21:45:00.001Z

Dir: Richard Blackburn

I am so pleased this has finally been given a (fantastic) DVD release, courtesy of Synapse Films. It's one of my all-time favourites, for sure. Panned upon its initial release and "lost" for years, this micro-budget creepfest is a must-see for anyone who likes atmospheric, surreal horror and is worth the cash just for the late Cheryl Smith, who gives her finest performance as Lila Lee, The Singin' Angel. If David Lynch wasn't influenced by the weirdness of this pale-faced behind-the-curtain nightmare world that Lila plunges into, I'd be astonished. Lesley Gilb, as the titular Lemora, also gives a tour-de-force performance (and doesn't appear to blink once!). The feel of the film is very much like another one-off classic, "Carnival of Souls" (director Blackburn, like "Carnival"'s Herk Harvey, never made another film) and, if you like that one, please seek this out. I honestly can't extol its virtue enough. It's a truly beautiful, lyrical horror film that's really hard to put out of your mind once you've seen it. ****

Beyond Reanimator (2003)

2010-04-25T21:44:00.002Z

Dir: Brian Yuzna

Lacklustre threequel that fails to live up to its predecessors. Jeffrey Combs is back as Herbert West but this time he's in prison. The clink doc, Howard Phillips (GROAN), enlists West to help in the clinic but his ulterior motive is to produce more of West's "re-agent", the secret formula that brings back the dead. Before long, zombies abound and the traditionally splattery mayhem ensues. Unfortunately, there's something missing. Although we get everything from twitching, rat-bothering severed penises to eyeballs running around of their own volition, the "shock and awe" of the first film's insane gore is missing. Instead, the mix of comedy and brutality just jars and feels somehow gross (in the bad way) and yet very, very dull. The fact that they use endlessly convoluted pseudo-science to justify what's basically a retread of the first two films just makes it all the more tedious. The prosthetic work by Screaming Mad George is technically excellent and Elsa Pataky is always a pleasure but otherwise, there's not much here. *1/2

Zombeak! (2006)

2010-04-25T21:40:00.002Z

Dir: Sam Drog

This killer "chick" flick's as low-budget as they come but there's an endearing enthusiasm to it that almost helps it fly (no pun intended). Some Satanists are trying to bring about the coming of the Devil but they get interrupted by local rednecks out to kick evil's ass. As a result, it all goes cock-eyed (no pun intended) and the Devil winds up in the body of a sacrificed chicken. This lively and inventive premise is enriched by some very funny dialogue ("This blasphemy! It's like razors in my brain!") in the first half but sadly loses its way a little when the gore kicks in. The chicken puppet itself is great fun at but most of the splattery stuff is very, very bad CGI. It's a shame because, in a film like this one, the red stuff has to be the pay-off and here it's woefully lacking. I'm sure there are legitimate budgetary reasons for using CGI but I can't begin to imagine how a few Super-Soakers full of corn syrup would cost more? Still, there are way worse movies out there. At least this has some cool ideas and a cast who seem to be having a ball with it. **

Splatter Beach (2007)

2010-04-12T20:19:00.003Z

Dir: John Polonia / Mark Polonia

El Cheapo Z-Movie from the guys who brought you "Splatter Farm". This one is a fairly bland "Humanoid From The Deep" rip-off that, to my immense disappointment, contains little splatter and barely even a beach. Shot at perhaps the greyest, most miserable looking lakeside I've ever seen, this mercifully short (70 minutes) no-brainer manages to have a double-figure body count and yet not one real special effect. Instead, a guy in a $2 Halloween suit glues some twigs to his back and runs around shaking people by the shoulders until they dribble red paint all down their tops. Sometimes, they superimpose extra versions of the suited dude into the shot so it looks like there are three or four of him. I guess it's meant as a homage to the early straight-to-video shockers and some of the dialogue is endearingly goofball but really... this is bad and (even worse) boring stuff. There's a surf-punk band, a beach party and Misty Mundae - some of my favourite things - and it's still all about as dull as the scenery. EL BOMBA!

Lady of the Lake (1998)

2010-04-11T21:12:00.003Z

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

This early Maurice Devereaux film failed to live up to the expectations I had from watching his later ones. It's an unfair comparison since he'd obviously had more time to practice and presumably more money for those but still... This tale of a drowned gypsy girl who seeks vengeance as a demon is convoluted to the point of incoherence by some really weird details (ie: her suitor is a knight but not quite - he's actually a carnival performer who pretends to be a knight and, boy, does he pretend). A shame because there's some beautiful photography (even if they overdid it severely on the underwater shots) and it's quite nicely made. It's just all painfully silly despite trying so hard for a dark, atmospheric tone. Perhaps if I'd caught this randomly on late night TV, I'd've had a different reaction and enjoyed it for its unintentional goofiness (ie: zombie knight fights, monsters with dental fillings, amazingly corny green-screen backdrops of fire and lightning, hellacious bad guy overacting, squirty gore galore, endless nudity) but I dunno. I guess I wanted something better. *1/2

End of the Line (2007)

2010-04-07T20:21:00.002Z

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

I wouldn't want to speak too soon having only seen two of his films but I'm fast becoming convinced that Canadian director Maurice Devereaux is one of the leading lights of the horror genre right now. "End of the Line", his latest, is wonderfully pitched. The twisty-turny plot concerns a group of travelers on a subway train, trapped underground with a crazed doomsday cult who believe the apocalypse is occurring above them. This skillfully uses conventions of survival horror while at the same time offering something new and exciting that's as creepy as it is gory. My one small complaint with the script is that the ending (although still unsettling) is given away far too early and I'd've probably had my mind completely blown beyond repair if I hadn't seen it coming. But this is a small price to pay for all the wonderful roving long takes, the finger-chewing tension, the chilling atmosphere, the unflinching gore and the above-average characterisation. I wish all indie horror was this inventive, disturbing and brilliant. Kinda reminds me of the buzz I got the first time I watched "The Descent". ***1/2

Hausu (1977)

2010-04-05T19:54:00.002Z

Dir: Nobuhiko Obayashi

If you've read about this recently rediscovered film already, you've probably heard that it's completely insane. It is, for sure, but it's also unexpectedly rather excellent. Yes, you have rapid-fire hallucinogenic visuals, stop-motion surrealist slapstick and an ear-splitting free jazz score played in time signatures you'd need Stephen Hawking to calculate. However, this is also a tremendously innovative, energetic and fierce piece of filmmaking. It often feels like you're riding on a 100mph ghost train built by Mario Bava but there's an effective old-fashioned haunted house story at its heart that both anchors it to reality (of sorts) and provides some genuine spookiness to temper the psychedelia. It's also strangely moving. "Hausu" is certainly not going to be a film for everyone but love it or hate it, you'll never see anything like it: guaranteed. "The Happiness of the Katakuris" is the closest comparison I can come up with but that was made 20+ years later, which only goes to show how way ahead of its time "Hausu" was... ***1/2

Children of the Corn 3 : Urban Harvest (1995)

2010-04-04T15:41:00.003Z

Dir: James D.R. Hickox

Two country boys - creepy little jerk Eli and loveable lummox Joshua - get fostered by a nice middle-class family in Chicago and bring with them the unspeakable horrors of Gatlin, which you may remember from the original Stephen King story. There's not much else to connect it, mind. All Hell breaks loose, quite literally, in this one and it all goes completely batshit in the final reel, veering into the realms of zombie scarecrows and gigantic slime monsters. But these things? I like! A threequel that's actually the best in the series, "Urban Harvest" is a solid supernatural horror with a strong script, some mad ideas, a tremendous amount of gore and wicked prosthetics courtesy of Screaming Mad George. If you only watch one "Children of the Corn" movie, make it this one, basically. ***

Killing Spree (1986)

2010-04-02T17:01:00.001Z

Dir: Tim Ritter

Classic trash from the early age of the straight-to-video shocker. It's easy to take "Killing Spree" for granted nowadays since it spawned a legion of no-budget imitators that continue to pollute the shelves to this day but there's a charm to this that endures. The marvellously-named Asbestos Felt plays Tom Russo, a working stiff who snaps under the dual pressures of his dead-end job and his wife who appears to be screwing up to three handymen a day. Unfortunately for Tom, the victims of his titular spree are coming back to life faster than he can kill them... Splatter ensues. The film's got a fun DIY ethic and, considering the now-unimaginable constraints these guys were working under, it's amazing they made anything watchable at all, let alone something as entertaining as this. While slow to start and quite terribly made at times, it's hard to not get some joy from this, even if it's just the outrageous dialogue ("You screw my wife, I screwdrive your head!" / "Take your pink faggot hat, you stupid country motherfucker!") or inventively gross-out gore FX. **1/2

The Last Broadcast (1998)

2010-04-01T20:40:00.003Z

Dir: Stefan Avalos / Lance Weiler

Ah. The infamous micro-budget film that "The Blair Witch Project" allegedly stole its ideas from. There are obvious similarities - a film crew heading out into the woods to investigate a supernatural being of local yore - but the presentation of the 'found footage' is very different. In this one, the conceit is that of a documentary being made about the filmmakers and their premature demise. It's well-structured and engaging for the most part as it leads up to the exciting discovery of a damaged videotape that may or may not contain the actual murders. On account of how well this is all done, the only punchline required to make it fly would've been a final reveal of an unforgettably creepy but ambiguous image. Instead, however, "The Last Broadcast" blows it with a catastrophically stupid and gratuitous twist that's way over-complicated and renders most of what we've already seen either meaningless, confusing or just plain incoherent. Amazing how 75 minutes of excellent low-budget filmmaking can be let down so heavily by just 5 really dumb ones but this is an example of just that. You'll feel cheated so don't say I didn't warn you. **1/2

Machine Head (2000)

2010-04-01T20:35:00.004Z

Dir: Michael Patrick Leonard Murphy (I think?)

Ultra-obscure weirdness that got released in the UK with the worst quality DVD transfer imaginable. It looks like a straight copy from a 3rd generation VHS tape that the cat sicked up on, which is a shame as the movie deserves better. In true Frankenstylee, a nerd brings a corpse back to life by attaching a lawnmower motor to its head and doing science (reversal of polarity, bouncing graviton particle beams or some other such made-up shit). This leads to a RAMPAGE! The script is surprisingly witty and poignant given the subject matter and, while it's clearly an el cheapo production, the editing and photography indicate the director at least went to film school. Some crowd scenes and impressive looking pyro also make the most of budgetary constraints. In fact, predictable storyline and some questionable acting aside, I found it hard not to warm to this. It's got heart. Even if that heart runs on petrol. Shame no one involved (seemingly) ever did anything again as it could've been the start of some beautiful careers. **1/2

Freddy vs Jason (2003)

2010-03-28T20:56:00.003Z

Dir: Ronny Yu

I'd almost recommend that you get yourself a copy of this film just so that, if you're feeling a bit jaded about horror and the direction it's taken, you can pull this wretched crap off the shelf and remember... THINGS HAVE BEEN WORSE. This coked-up abortion is an almost perfect checklist of everything wrong with the genre. An absolute nadir. There's the total incoherence of the over-convoluted plot that appears to have been written by a six-year-old (like, Freddy has lost his powers 'cos people have forgotten who he is (!) so he goes into, uh, Hell, and, like, totally asks Jason to kill some teenagers for him). There's the muddled tone that flies from dark and spiteful to corny slapstick so fast it goes beyond stupid and hits downright tasteless. There's the horrible ultra-stylised rock video aesthetic that makes it so unrealistic and ugly that it's hard to even pay attention for more than 30 seconds at a time. There's the jaw-droppingly bad, 15+ minute "fight" sequence at the end is basically a CGI wrestling match set to bad nu-metal. It all combines to give you feeling a little like being lobotomised by children. Yeah, this is officially the worst film I've ever seen. I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Hansel & Gretel (2007)

2010-03-28T20:48:00.002Z

Dir: Pil-Sung Yim

This surreal Korean spookfest starts off with a dude crashing his car and waking up in a forest. He is led through the trees by a young girl who takes him to The House of Happy Children, a building in the woods where three kids live with their parents and an inordinate number of toys. Before you can yell "Dude, look out! Those kids are creepy as balls!" he works it out for himself and tries to leave. However, no matter how far he walks away from the house, he is unable to leave and keeps returning... The film doesn't work completely - there are one or two minor holes and, at 2 hours, it's waaaaaay too long - but it's got a strong concept, wonderful set design, a lot of atmosphere and quite an emotionally affecting reveal when the mystery of the house is finally made apparent. A solid scary movie. **1/2

The Blair Witch Project (1999)

2010-03-28T20:45:00.004Z

Dir: Daniel Myrick / Eduardo Sánchez

I'm sorry. I'd really like to say I love this but I don't. I enjoy the premise - three kids deep in the woods with a camcorder investigating the legend of a local witch get more than they bargained for - and I also kinda like the weirdness of the ending. But do I REALLY have to sit through 65 minutes of ENDLESS WHINING, MOANING AND SHOUTING from three of the most irritating characters in the history of cinema just to get there? Do I? Oh God, I do. A film where you're supposed to immerse yourself in the fate of the protagonists and fear for their lives simply can't work if all you're thinking is "FOR CHRIST'S SAKE, JUST DIE ALREADY!" so they'll shut the fuck up and stop bitching each other out. Ugh. Seriously, I'm all for slowly building up atmosphere and a sustained sense of terror but I am not all for sitting through OVER AN HOUR of shrill, nasal bickering in the dark. It just doesn't work. Sorry. Nice try though. Please play again. Oh wait, you did... and it sucked even more. *1/2

Platoon of the Dead (2009)

2010-03-28T20:42:00.003Z

Dir: John Bowker

I probably shouldn't like this one as much as I did. It's definitely the lowest-budget film I've ever seen. In fact, I'd hesitate to call it a film. It feels more like some guy's home movie. There's some terribly cheap CGI in it and a fair bit of questionable acting from what I can only guess are the director's friends. HOWEVER, what it does have is heart and lots of it. It feels much like the early No Rules straight-to-video splatter gems like the "Video Violence" films or Tim Ritter's serial killer stuff. The story is set in a near-future where the "army" are fighting zombies with toy laser guns (!). A platoon gets ambushed and killed, leaving just three goobers alive. In fear for their lives, they find a house in the woods where a group of women are hiding out from the undead. I won't say any more but the plot gets surprisingly weird from there and actually has a fair few enjoyable twists and ideas in it. A perfect Sunday morning hangover movie; its unchallenging, freewheelin' approach makes it fun and easy viewing. **1/2

Behind the Mask : The Rise of Leslie Vernon (2006)

2010-03-28T20:40:00.002Z

Dir: Scott Glosserman

Post-modern slasher film in which a documentary crew follows a serial killer as he chooses and stalks a new group of teenage victims. Although it owes a little to the superior "Man Bites Dog", the twist here is that, rather than being a straight killer, our titular Leslie Vernon is a horror movie slasher. There are some truly laugh-out-loud hilarious sequences where he deconstructs all the familiar film tropes for the audience and explains of the difficulty of things like running really fast but making it look like you're walking. Writer/director Glosserman has obviously watched a lot of movies and his film works both as a clever pastiche and a suspenseful slasher in itself. It won't change your life but it's fun, whip-smart stuff that turns the Fourth Wall to rubble - basically the film that "Scream" could've been if it only had a brain. ***

Psychos in Love (1986)

2010-03-23T15:28:00.002Z

Dir: Gorman Bechard

I first saw this on a bad quality VHS bootleg about fifteen years ago and, when I found out it was finally out on DVD, a part of me expected to be disappointed. I wasn't. One of the genuine gems of the early direct-to-video boom, "Psychos in Love" is a low-budget splatter comedy about a bartender and a manicurist who fall in love. The only problem is that they're both psychotic serial killers who murder people at random because they feel they can't fit in with society's "norms". The story is somehow tender, absurd, grotesque and hilarious all at the same time and it has depth far beyond the "bad jokes", near-constant nudity and copious bargain basement gore effects (although that's not to say all of that isn't enjoyable too!). The humour, if anything, seems very ahead of its time and it's well delivered by the two fantastic leads (Carmine Capobianco and Debi Thibeault). 24 years on and there's a lot of cheap and strange movies out there but none quite like this one. ***1/2

Open Graves (2009)

2010-03-21T21:50:00.002Z

Dir: Álvaro de Armiñán

Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.

I Sell The Dead (2008)

2010-03-21T14:59:00.003Z

Dir: Glenn McQuaid

Wildly inventive period piece in which two grave robbers boost their trade by supplying a more exotic product. Sadly, once they start exhuming the corpses of vampires, zombies and aliens (!), this attracts the attention of some very unsavoury local characters. Building up slowly, this one goes from the sublime to the ridiculous quite effortlessly and while it could maybe do with a little polishing, there are enough outlandish ideas, hilarious one-liners and Abbot & Costello style japery to ensure a good time is had by all. Dominic Monaghan and Larry Fessenden make a formidable double-act and their arch-nemeses, the Murphys provide the missing link you never knew existed between Charles Dickens and Quentin Tarantino characters. A strong debut. More like this one, thanks. ***

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

2010-03-21T10:10:00.006Z

Dir: Yoshihiro Nishimura

Unbelievable Japanese cyberpunk fantasy set in a future where the cops have been privatised by the shoot-first-ask-questions-later Tokyo Police Corporation and mutants run wild. Having been disappointed by J-Horror in the past couple of years, I'd dismissed "Tokyo Gore Police" because it looked zany and ironic and like novelty junk but I couldn't've been more wrong. There is certainly a little comedy in there and the gore is way over the top (definitely more, pint-for-pint, than anything I've seen in over twenty years of watching these kind of films) but the film's angry politics and obsessive Cronenbergian body horror lend it a depth that makes it fly. As jaded as I am, I spent most of this open-mouthed thinking "I have never seen ANYTHING like this before" and for that I sing its highest praises. When amputees with samurai swords for arms and legs and oversized prosthetic penises that shoot bullets are two of the less sensational set-pieces, you know you're in for a treat. A modern masterpiece of surrealist genius that makes "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" look like "Tetsuo: The Nerf Kid". ****

Triangle (2009)

2010-03-19T17:50:00.003Z

Dir: Christopher Smith

This film sucks more balls than opening up the airlock on an in-flight billiards tournament. Melissa George and her vapid friends disappear into some kind of paradoxical void presumably caused by their complete lack of charisma but it’s never really explained. There’s a boat involved. Actually, no, there’s a very poorly rendered CGI sea and some dire sets made to look occasionally like a boat. There’s a nod to the fact that director Christopher Smith has, at some point, watched films like “Donnie Darko” and deluded himself into thinking he could do something similar. There’s a graceless aesthetic (washed-out colours, shutter-speed fuckery) and a lot of derivative gimmickry. Even discounting the fact that the plot doesn’t make a lick of sense when you think about it, Smith doesn’t even try to temper the nonsense with anything distracting like, say, characterisation. This is strictly one for those who thought his first movie, “Creep”, was too challenging for them. It’ll pass their time pleasantly while they’re recovering from the DIY brain surgery.

Dance of the Dead (2008)

2010-03-19T17:45:00.002Z

Dir: Gregg Bishop

A troupe of goons from the high school sci-fi society inadvertently unleash the undead on prom night. Townsfolk turn into walking wormfood quicker than you can say “they’re coming to get you, Barbara”, so it’s left to the nerds goons to save the prom, kick zombie ass and change from boys into men while they’re at it. This rapid-fire splatterfest blends surprisingly sharp John Hughes-style comedy with a phenomenal level of gore and action. There’s little that’s new or original about it (except perhaps the zombie dissection frogs from the science lab) but it’s a great example of how to stay simple yet effective. The zombies show up pretty much immediately and, from that point on, there’s barely even time to grab a beer or open a bag of chips until the next spine is yanked out, the next arm ripped off or the next brain eaten. “Dance of the Dead” is a riot. See it. ***1/2

Short Night of the Glass Dolls (1971)

2009-10-04T19:07:00.007Z

Dir: Aldo Lado

The so-nearly palindromic Aldo Lado began his illustrious career in horror with this incredibly strange giallo. Jean Sorel plays Gregory Moore, a recently deceased journalist whose corpse is, uhhh, convinced it isn't really dead. Immobile on its slab in the morgue, it tries to solve its own murder by piecing together various scenes from its last few days alive. If you think that's weird, rest assured it gets weirder. The backdrop of early 70s Prague provides a suitably eerie and oppressive backdrop but the film loses points for being slow and, at times, incoherent. That said, this may be a result of the horrific English dubbing on the print I saw. Gregory's friend Jack, in particular, is utterly incomprehensible; his accent a growly, nasal mix of Scottish, Jamaican, Russian and Irish. I didn't understand a word he said so it's entirely possible I missed some of the plot on account of this. Still, the climactic scenes are shocking and weird enough to leave a fairly good impression, even if it's a bit of a chore getting there. **1/2

Far Cry (2008)

2009-10-04T16:43:00.004Z

Dir: Uwe Boll

Boll's back with another video game adaptation and this one is crazier than ever. Let's see what we've got: Udo Kier plays an evil scientist who lives on a secure island off the coast of Vancouver. He passes the days genetically modifying soldiers and turning them into bulletproof Billy Corgan lookalikes, programmed to kill without mercy or prejudice. Til Schweiger plays a retired Special Ops badass who goes to the island to rescue German bodybuilding superstar Ralf Moeller from Kier's clutches. Chris Coppola plays Til's comedy fat guy sidekick who shouts "I'M THE FOOD GUY!" at every available opportunity in between choking on meatball subs and falling over a lot. Natalia Avelon wears a low-cut top and shoots about a million guys in the face. A motor-boat, a helicopter and about five jeeps explode in lingering close-up. Am I selling this to you yet? If not, you obviously don't share my love of ridiculous 80s action movies, amongst which this nicely retro little Z-Movie could nestle. Sure, it's "bad" but it's fiercely entertaining and I'm sure it never had any intention of being more. Check it. **1/2

The House With Windows That Laughed (1976)

2009-10-04T08:30:00.005Z

Dir: Pupi Avati

A bizarre film that mixes a giallo-style plot with gothic aesthetic and political allegory to unique effect. The story tells of Stefano, a heroically-bearded restoration expert invited to a small and creepy island to work on a painting of St Sebastian that's been uncovered on the wall of their church. Turns out it's by a legendary local artist known as the "Painter of Agony", whose dark and horrible past intertwines with Stefano's present, leading to a shocking and violent denouement. There's a perfectly sinister atmosphere to the film and I defy anyone to see the twist coming (one of the best in any gialli I've seen) but the film is slooooow, so you'll need some patience if you're going to get into it and get the most out of it. On the bright side, no matter how little is happening onscreen, Stefano's ever-stylish array of shirts, ties and sleeveless jumpers should keep you entertained as you "ooh" and "aah" over his wardrobe (all of which he managed to pack in his obviously Tardis-like travel bag). But, seriously, there's so much more to like here if you stick with it. An underrated classic that's well worth checking out. ***

The Haunting of #24 (2005)

2007-11-06T21:23:00.001Z

Dir: Sean Hogan

(aka Lie Still)

Okay. A low budget British horror film that isn't like watching someone's home videos is shocking enough in itself, but this one's actually REALLY good to boot. A haunted house movie with serious nods to both MR James and Kubrick's "Shining", this atmospheric chiller tells the archetypal ghost paranoia tale: a man moves into a grotty bedsit after a relationship break-up and finds himself possibly tormented by the supernatural inhabitants. It's not exactly a surprise how events pan out, but it's done so well that I found myself repeatedly shocked into jumping by the beautifully orchestrated scares and genuinely creepy set-pieces that make "1408"'s overblown theatrics look laughable. It's refreshing to see a film that can be dark, artfully photographed, intelligently scripted and SCARY, even without much of a budget. Just proves that a little natural talent can go a long way. A very pleasant surprise. ***1/2

Wild Country (2005)

2007-10-28T08:15:00.002Z

Dir: Craig Strachan

Micro-budget Scottish film in which a bunch of teenagers orienteering in the Highlands fall prey to a pissed off werewolf. There's nothing too new here, beyond the setting, but it works small wonders with its minimal raw materials and shows promise as a first feature from writer/director Strachan. He casts real teenagers instead of grizzled 30-somethings which helps add plausibility (also - crucially - these kids can act!), the colloquial dialogue is sharp and realistic, the humour works and even the baggy, oversized wolf suit looks pretty cool if you let yourself get into it. There's a neat twist to the tale as well that I won't spoil, but it shows that some thought went into the screenplay and that's both nice and rare these days. At 75 minutes, Wild Country never outstays its welcome and is a cute little creature feature with bite. You might not want to go hiking for a little while afterwards though. ***

Big Bad Wolf (2006)

2007-10-23T06:34:00.002Z

Dir: Lance W. Dreesen

A wisecracking werewolf rapist wreaks havoc on California in this tasteless, crude and seriously cheap DTV horror outing. There's a nice surprise opening scene in which the obligatory group of teens who go to the spooky cabin in the woods get dispatched gorily within minutes before the credits have even rolled. After this, it heads in more of a "Fright Night" style direction plot with cherubic Trevor Duke playing 'Derek', a functionless teen bozo who believes his stepfather to be the werewolf that killed all his friends. Tick yer boxes for copious (but dubious) nudity, spurting red food dye by the bucketload and creepy dwarf Richard Tyson in a gorilla suit, and you know you're up for some sleazy crud of the lowest order. That said, turn your brain off and "Big Bad Wolf" is, I'm ashamed to admit, something of a guilty pleasure. It does what it says on the tin and if you're after some gory, exploitative trash, you could do way worse than killing 90 minutes with this sick little puppy. Every bit as bad as it looks and all the better for it, in other words. **1/2

Night of the Demons (1988)

2007-10-23T06:32:00.000Z

Dir: Kevin S. Tenney

Delightfully unpretentious 80s fun in which the local goth throws a Halloween party in a haunted house. It all goes to Hell, quite literally, as the pretty teenage guests turn into rubber-faced ghouls, hungry for souls. The plot's nothing new but, cleverly, it uses clichés to its advantage, rather than just recycling them cynically. Everything, from the Scooby-Doo-like animation in the title sequence to Dennis Tenney's pipe organ score, just makes this feel like one big ol' midnight movie extravaganza; a love letter to the most absurd elements of the genre from its roots right up to the (then) present day. Gothic set designs straight of Corman's Poe movies collide with garish splatter and more tits than you can possibly ogle in one sitting. What really makes it special is the way it manages to combine high camp with one or two moments that are genuinely creepy/scary. A nice balance. One day there'll be a Kevin Tenney revival and he'll be up there where he belongs with the greats. ***1/2

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

2007-10-23T06:29:00.000Z

Dir: Scott Thomas

Sigh. How hard can it be? Zombies. On a plane. It's almost a pre-written recipe for success. Just point the camera and go. How the fuck could you be so fucking talent-barren and stupid to fuck that one up!? I don't get it. I really don't get it, but this is one of the WORST FILMS I'VE EVER SEEN. Not even in a nice way, or a kitschy way. This is just a sad, acutely cynical money-making exercise. No thought or effort seems to have put in. The characters - even for stock stereotypes - are inconsistent, the layout of the 'set' is ridiculous, the photography's appalling, there are logic holes in the script that you could FLY a Goddamn plane through, it's painfully slow, the gore is largely CGI (bad CGI at that) and, by CHRIST, how could you screw this up!? It doesn't have to be hard. ZOMBIES on a motherfucking plane, people. Jesus. There's no hope.

1408 (2007)

2007-08-26T07:12:00.001Z

Dir: Mikael Håfström

A hack writer of ghostly guide books (John Cusack) checks into a supposedly haunted room at a New York hotel, with intent to expose it as a hoax. Needless to say, it isn't a hoax and, before long, the clichés are wheeled out in their droves. The room goes hot! The room goes cold! Hark! The sound of infants crying in the walls! You know the drills. It's actually done rather well for the first forty five minutes or so and there are even some nicely orchestrated jump scares. Sadly, as you'd expect from a Stephen King adaptation, it all goes a bit too far in the final reel and loses its understated subtlety in favour of screen-saturating CGI, convoluted dream sequences and faux-philosophical sentimentalism. Like the movie "Dead End", it builds up so many creepy ideas that it paints itself into a corner from which it can only escape via a massive cop-out. There are worse movies and it's nice to see a traditional ghost story on the big screen again, but this won't change your life. What I mostly took away from it was that I want to get my own little Samuel L. Jackson that lives in my fridge and talks shit at me. **

The Signal (2007)

2007-08-26T07:11:00.002Z

Dir: David Bruckner / Dan Bush / Jacob Gentry

A signal is sent across cell phones, radios and TVs that makes people go crazy and kill. Or does it? The problem is in knowing who's crazy and who isn't. Do you kill the person next to you because they're crazy and, if so, does that make YOU crazy? This is the eternal dilemma faced by all the characters in this wickedly original paranoid headfuck movie. Evoking early Cronenberg, early Romero and David Lynch at his finest, "The Signal" is an anarchic, stylish and deeply disturbing shock to the system. I don't want to say too much more, for fear of giving away too many of the (continual) surprises in the screenplay, but just go see this. Its raw brutality is made into a thing of beauty by the intelligence with which it's handled. It's amped-up Theatre Of The Absurd; I was laughing throughout a good half of it, yet still came away feeling frightened and shaken. When people talk about evoking the spirit of 70s horror, it's usually just an excuse to make something seedy. "The Signal" actually takes the true spirit of 70s horror and makes a progressive and smart movie that's also extreme and unpleasant. It's even got a Matt Skiba song in it. Repeatedly. Awesome, awesome, awesome. One of the best horror films of the decade. ****

Black Sheep (2007)

2007-08-26T07:06:00.001Z

Dir: Jonathan King

Genetic experiments gone awry create a flock of mutant sheep, hungry for human flesh. If you've read any pulp novels from the 70s or 80s, you'll have heard this plot more times than you care to remember, featuring any animal from crabs to pigs and back again. When you factor in that this is a New Zealand film, the use of sheep becomes depressingly obvious. However, much kudos to first-time writer/director King for taking such a tired idea and actually making it fly. "Black Sheep" is great. The characters, although stereotypes, are fleshed out enough to make you care. The dialogue is sharp. The jokes are way more hit than miss (including one scene in a truck that had me, literally, in tears with laughter) and there's an intelligence, even to the dumbest of fart gags, that forces the film to restrain itself when in risk of going too far. Throw in some well- orchestrated scenes of tension and horror, gooey prosthetic FX and slick cinematography and you've got a winner. This low-key little movie is far closer to Edgar Wright than it is to Peter Jackson. A nice effort and I look forward to seeing what comes next from these guys. ***

The Ferryman (2007)

2007-08-05T11:04:00.002Z

Dir: Chris Graham

A group of yachters in peril when they pick up a Greek sailor in distress, who's played by the dwarf from "Lord of the Rings" and speaks like some kind of croaky Welsh rasta. He's all kinds of evil and has cheated death for thousands of years by continually swapping bodies, which he does by stabbing people with his magic dagger. There's so much potential here to be "The Thing at sea" but it fails miserably. Every time he swaps bodies, he immediately starts running about, spouting misogynistic wisecracks and megalomaniacal threats, which makes it obvious which body he's inhabiting at any given time. It also makes it very silly and draining to watch after awhile. The film is also, despite an okay budget, atrociously acted and directed; flaws which just become more critical as the film lapses into absurd melodrama. Yes, it's gruesome and nasty but just too stupid and badly made to work. The whole ludicrous mess culminates with a heavy metal cover of Chris DeBurgh's "Don't Pay The Ferryman", which probably tells you all you need to know. *

The Breed (2006)

2007-07-22T10:45:00.001Z

Dir: Nicholas Mastandrea

Wes Craven "presents" this directorial debut for Nicholas Mastandrea about a group of five kids who go to a remote island to party and, you guessed it, end up getting stalked and killed by a pack of huge, angry dogs that make Cujo look like the Andrex puppy. While there's nothing new whatsoever in this concept and it's clumsily handled on occasion, I found "The Breed" to be a painlessly entertaining 90 minutes. You get one or two great nailbiting moments of suspense, lots of fun footage of big dogs going mental and the female leads (Michelle Rodriguez and Taryn Manning from "Lost" and "CSI" respectively) scarcely put on anything more substantial than a bikini, so the film clearly knows and plays to its audience. That said, I'd personally have enjoyed it, even if it were boiled down to 90 minutes of the awesome dogs running around like mad things so my review may be a bit biased. Cat lovers can stick with "The Uncanny" instead. Losers. **1/2

Blood and Chocolate (2007)

2007-07-06T20:24:00.001Z

Dir: Katja von Garnier

A clutter of cliches mars this soppy teen take on the werewolf myth. Somewhere in Bucharest, a highly organised 'pack' of wolf royalty known as the Loup-Garous hunts their human prey. When one of them (Agnes Bruckner) falls in love with a snotty whining comic book artist (Hugh Dancy), she must fight for her freedom against pathological pack leader Gabriel (Oliver Martinez on hammy autopilot). Oooh, who will win? Will love conquer all? Bah, who cares? I certainly didn't by the time I'd realised that all the stupid, misplaced CGI-enhanced "Underworld"-esque leaping in the world isn't going to enliven this illogical and utterly unengaging bore. Perhaps with some charismatic actors, a tighter script and less of the laughable 'action', this could've worked (there is actually a marginally interesting story underneath all the dross) but as it stands, no. Sorry. That said, I am praying they make a sequel, just so as they can call it "Blood and Chocolate 2 : Electric Loup-garou". *

I, Madman (1989)

2007-06-09T11:48:00.001Z

Dir: Tibor Takacs

Quirky 80s horror sees a bookstore clerk (Jenny Wright) becoming obsessed with a series of old, obscure pulp novels from a mysterious author called Malcolm Brand. The more she gets into them - most notably a graphic tale of self-mutilation called "I, Madman" - the more she notices that friends of hers are dropping dead in ways taken straight from the books. The basic idea here is not a bad one and there's one particular twist that had me going, "ooh, that's NICE!" at the screen, but it all falls apart in the final third and fails to tie up in a coherent way, instead descending into cliché and silliness. There's some cool stop-motion monster FX (what did you expect from the guy who directed "The Gate"?) and Jenny Wright looks great in nerd glasses, but the script is too sloppy to really work. **

Black Kiss (2004)

2007-06-03T12:25:00.001Z

Dir: Macoto Tezka

Having become so jaded with Asian horror of late (thanks to a flood of soggy dead girls) it's a good feeling to see a new(ish) movie that reminds me why I got into it in the first place. "Black Kiss" is a beautifully shot nerve-shredder about Asuka (Reika Hashimoto) and Kasumi (Kaori Kawamura), two models who wind up sharing a seedy Tokyo apartment. In true "Rear Window" stylee, Asuka witnesses a brutal murder in the hotel across the street and this plunges both girls into a nightmare of slaughter, taxidermy, voodoo and more besides. Yeah, "Black Kiss" has it all. It's lengthy and character-driven but surprisingly well-paced, with murders as disturbing, inventive and stomach-churning as anything I've seen. The final third is tense and exciting and there's one scene (where the murderer is finally revealed) that sent me flying out of my seat, shrieking. Don't even get me started on all the incredible camerawork. An intelligent, original, well-made shocker that lives up admirably to the Asia Extreme tag. ****

Society (1989)

2007-06-01T12:55:00.001Z

Dir: Brian Yuzna

As directorial debuts go, Brian Yuzna (who's subsequently failed to direct anything of interest) made quite a splash with "Society". A gooey, slimy, multi-coloured splash that you'll find hard to wipe off. Billy Warlock plays a Beverly Hills teenager who finds he doesn't fit in with his schoolmates or his family. He feels they're excluding him from something and that they look down on him. His shrink tells him that he's being paranoid and it's just teenage angst but, as the film goes on, Billy realises that the secrets behind his affluent community are more nightmarish than he could've possibly imagined. Shocking, original and seriously fuckin' weird, "Society" certainly has the accolade of being a film unlike any other I've seen. It's a little dated at times perhaps and its social satire element is hardly world-shattering, but still ... that's one Hell of an ending. Screaming Mad George's sickening special FX still make me squirm. Happy 'shunting'! ***1/2

The Gingerdead Man (2005)

2007-06-01T12:51:00.001Z

Dir: Charles Band

I have no idea what happened to Charles Band. In the heyday of Empire Pictures, he funded and/or directed some of my favourite 80s genre flicks, from bonafide classics like "From Beyond" to enjoyably puerile trash like "Ghoulies" or "Trancers", so how did it come to this? Did killer alien puppets eat his brain? "The Gingerdead Man" looks like it's made by teen amateurs, rather than someone who's been in the business for over 30 years. It's a cheap, shot-on-video affair about an executed serial killer (Gary Busey) whose ashes wind up, improbably, in some dough mix. Cue a 12 inch killer gingerbread man who can wield a knife, shoot a gun and even drive a car. This sounds like great fun, I know, but the level of gore matches the FX budget (ie: very low), the acting is terrible and the script is clumsy and meandering. Even at a scant 71 minutes, it felt like I was watching this terrible sub-home-movie junk for hours. Avoid. *

Candyman : Day of the Dead (1999)

2007-05-14T09:51:00.000Z

Dir: Turi Meyer

Have your brain re-Todded by this chronologically questionable final part to the "Candyman" trilogy. Candyman (Tony Todd) returns to torment charisma-barren "Baywatch" star Donna D'Errico, who wanders around open-mouthed and vapid for much of the movie, while her friends are impaled on hooks. The most I learnt from this, between fading in and out of consciousness, was that if you taunt a fried egg for long enough, bees will come out of it. Absolute nonsense.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave To The Grave (2005)

2007-05-10T15:31:00.000Z

Dir: Ellory Elkayem

The surviving teens from "Necropolis" find themselves once more in the gooey grasp of a zombie outbreak. This time, opportunistic science geek Cody (Cory Hardrict) extracts some kind of trioxin essence from the ubiquitous zombie barrels and turns it (in pill form) to 'Z', a hip new designer drug that's sweeping the college campus. Sadly, a side-effect of taking 'Z' is that one soon develops a taste for human brains. This causes much fun at the Halloween rave party ... The script is a little bit flakey now and again, but everything else is solid. Nice visuals, strong direction, an enjoyable cast and wicked special FX. Whilst not as relentless as "Necropolis", "Rave To The Grave" is a much funnier film, with its tongue so far in its cheek, it's poking out the other side and licking the eyeball of the guy next to it. The gore here is outrageous; we get decapitation by electric guitar, drumsticks through the eyes and (best of all) bum-biting zombies attacking the posteriors of a cheerleader human pyramid. Win. ***

Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)

2007-05-10T15:29:00.000Z

Dir: Ellory Elkayem

Unexpectedly superb masterclass in how to make a no-nonsense, hi-octane zombie flick comes from the director of "Eight-Legged Freaks". "Necropolis" sees the trioxin barrels from the first three films causing havoc once more as a shady pharmaceuticals company unleashes the zombie gas on all and sundry, in the name of world domination. A group of (surprisingly) likeable teens get caught in the splattery crossfire and have to save the day against the undead hordes. We get everything that's good here; bio-zombies with gatling gun arms, chewy bouncing brains, spraying headwounds galore, big tanks, children with flamethrowers and ubercute Aimee-lynn Chadwick running around in pigtails. It's fast-paced, often very funny and, at times, even a little tense. It's nice to see an old-fashioned, reasonable budget approach to zombies and this is the most fun I've had in front of a TV for awhile now. Dare I say, I even found myself screaming things like, "Stick 'im, Becky!" at the screen? ***1/2

Darkness (2002)

2007-05-10T15:20:00.001Z

Dir: Jaume Balagueró

Make sure you get the uncut version of this rather than the Disney edit which cuts out a lot of the plot, almost all of the gore and dubs over the swear words with "gollly darn gosh" style silliness that takes you right out of it. However, if you watch it as the director intended, it's a very nice surprise indeed. Much like Balagueró's debut, "The Nameless", "Darkness" is a creepy and vicious depiction of pure evil as a supernatural force. It begins with the tired, overused motif of a family moving into a new and creepy home, but gradually unfolds into something far more sinister and original. The magnificently bleak ending is stylish, sombre and sobering stuff. ***1/2

Candyman: Farewell to the Flesh (1995)

2007-05-03T16:17:00.002Z

Dir: Bill Condon

This beautifully shot, unfairly maligned sequel sees Tony Todd reprising the titular role; an executed slave who is brought back to vengeful life through mirrors if you stare at your reflection and say his name five times. A New Orleans schoolteacher (Kelly Rowan) finds herself dragged into his world unexpectedly when her father and brother become obsessed with the legend of Candyman. Director Condon brings his almost ludicrously stylised vision of New Orleans to life with flamboyant lighting and some very outlandish sets/costumes. Todd is terrifying as ever and Rowan plays a decent enough foil. The script pans out skillfully and provides enough substance to prevent this from just being a parade of flashy visuals. There are even one or two good shocks in amongst the several zillion cynical false scares. It's obvious from these that Condon perhaps isn't a horror director at heart and is playing to the genre's conventions, but he does it a damn sight more admirably than most and "Farewell to the Flesh" is a nifty little shocker that could happily stand alone without being part of the Candyman franchise. ***

Nightmare City (1980)

2007-04-18T21:46:00.001Z

Dir: Umberto Lenzi

Truly atrocious Italian zombie fare that hits new lows even for a subgenre reknowned for them. I love, say, Fulci's trash as much as the next guy but Lenzi's shot at the formula is nothing short of embarrassing. A winged Trojan horse full of zombies arrives at a city airport in the form of an unmarked plane. They burst out, running, jumping and using weapons to trash their rather too athletic way through the population. The zombies just look like people in mud packs; their faces are made-up but not their necks or arms, although these other things are visible beneath their cheap shirts and dodgy cardigans. They move way too fast (I HATE running zombies - HATE HATE HATE) and there's just no story or characters or, well, anything to tie together all the scenes of incoherent, barely watchable mayhem. Attempts are made to intersperse the dime store gore with Mel Ferrer camping about in an army uniform, but this is not of interest to the sane. The ending - an unapologetic "it was just a dream" scam - should be illegal. Dull, dull, dull. EL BOMBA!

Roman (2006)

2007-04-18T21:42:00.001Z

Dir: Angela Bettis

Angela Bettis directs Lucky McKee (who also wrote the script) in this creepy older brother to his own minor classic, "May". He plays Roman, a loner who spends his time obsessing over minutiae in his apartment. One day he meets a girl (pixie-like Kristen Bell from "Pulse") and, uh, accidentally kills her. It's hard to explain the rest without giving too much away, but it aims for a quirky combination of black humour, heartfelt melancholy and a touch of the grotesque. Sadly, it's also not that great. I think it could do with some tightening all round; the script flags and becomes puzzlingly obscure at times. It's shot on some kind of digital video format and, aesthetically, fails to hook the interest. The editing is twitchy and I found my attention wandering a lot by the second half. I It's nice to see people making original, independent horror films, but I just found myself wishing this one had a bit more to it. **1/2

Reeker (2005)

2007-04-04T20:24:00.002Z

Dir: Dave Payne

Very dodgy US indie effort about a group of partying teens who end up stranded at a spooky motel in the middle of the desert, whilst on their way to a rave. The game is soon afoot and they start getting picked off by a mystery killer. The twist? You can't see him; but you can smell him! Hence the title. All the requisite cliches of the genre are out in force and, whilst the gore FX are decent, I just felt as though this was a horror movie for people who've never seen a horror movie before. All its tricks and turns were so patently obvious it made me want to scream for all the wrong reasons. The frequent attempts at black humour were ill-timed and poorly delivered enough to feel downright uncomfortable and the CGI 'fumes' used to denote the killer's stench just looked ridiculous. This one started off with about two and a half stars, but just kept worsening with each increasingly ludicrous and predictable plot development leading up to the catastrophic, verboten twist. Pants. Big steaming pants. That's what you can smell. *

Candyman (1992)

2007-03-05T22:34:00.000Z

Dir: Bernard Rose

Genuinely creepy little film with Virginia Madsen as a graduate student researching urban legends. She focuses, in particular, on the subject of the Candyman, a hook-handed killer who appears in the mirror if you say his name five times. The first half of the movie is intelligent, gorgeously shot and eerie as fuck, as writer/director Rose (also responsible for the underrated "Paperhouse") creates a dark canvas on which to paint his nightmares. Sadly, he stretches our disbelief just a little too far in the second half, but even this is redeemed by Tony Todd's terrifying performance as the titular ghoul and some genuinely shocking special FX. Although it isn't perfect, "Candyman" is far stronger than average and still has the power to unsettle in its own way. Never comfortable viewing and its stylised depiction of urban entropy is really quite beautiful, in a strange sort of way. ***

Dellamore Dellamore (1994)

2007-02-21T21:45:00.002Z

Dir: Michele Soavi

Absurdist horror stuck somewhere between genius and madness, this one involves a cemetery keeper called Francisco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett, in a genuine star turn) who (along with his assistant, Gnaghi) handles the nasty business of disposing of returners - dead people who come back to life a week after being buried. The film crosses the genres skillfully, weaving goofball splatter with stony-faced nuggets of philosophy and even a smattering of romance into its artfully surreal tapestry. Taken scene by scene, this is a beautiful piece of work. The photography is magnificent, the direction assured, the dialogue fantastic. It's perhaps too abstract to work entirely as a whole but it has admirable ambitions and, if you're looking for something different, you really can't get much weirder than this one. ***1/2

Prison of the Dead (2000)

2007-02-18T21:47:00.000Z

Dir: Victoria Sloan (aka David DeCoteau)

"Prison of the Dead" is a must for anyone who genuinely won't accept that there are movies out there that make all the quintessential 'turkeys' and 'razzies' in the world seem like Ingmar Bergman by comparion. This one appears to have been written and performed in the space of a night, with everyone high on crystal meth. It makes not a lick of sense. I'm not even sure where to begin with explaining the plot. A college kid (Patrick Flood - who has no neck!) fakes his own funeral to lure his mates into a haunted prison that, apparently, housed witches. They arse about with a ouija board and a bunch of glowing-eyed freaks pop out the ground to slash them up with spades, knives and what appears to be a giant toilet brush. All of this makes it sound better than it actually is. What could've been a great little B flick if they'd just kept it simple gets bogged down in unnecessary convolution. By about an hour in, it's not clear in the slightest why anyone's doing anything they're doing or even who is whom. Even if you're watching this for a cheap laugh, I defy you to be fully awake by the time the completely forgettable ending crawls onscreen. In fact, here's a test: if you've seen it, how does it end? EL BOMBA!

Hellbreeder (2004)

2007-02-17T22:03:00.000Z

Dir: Johannes Roberts/James Eaves

You were walking an eight year old child home? After 11:30pm? On a schoolnight? And you took a shortcut? Under the bridge? WERE YOU MAD?!

Bleak Future (1997)

2007-02-17T21:53:00.000Z

Dir: Brian S. O'Malley

Quirky no-budget 16mm effort that pits post-apocalyptic mutants against one another in a race against time! Slangman (Frank Kowal) is a dictionary-toting anti-hero who, with the help of a mute Scotsman and a quirky blonde actress, embarks on a quest to find 'the source' (this appears to be a compact disc - or possibly a library - I lost track). A number of others are searching for this too, including King Malice (a mutant with two faces, one that spits goo) and Doctor Obvious (a punk rock prophet who believes himself the smartest man in the world). It all culminates with a ton of fake gore and terrible puns. To be honest, as hard as it tries, "Bleak Future" is one ghastly, Godawful mess. There's some talent and enthusiasm here, but the best thing about the movie is, by far, the Pig Latin subtitles on the 2007 DVD release. If only the screenplay were anywhere near this funny! I'd like to think it's because director O'Malley has genuinely gotten funnier in the 10 year interim. Might have to watch another of his to fully conclude. *1/2

Dolls (1987)

2007-02-06T21:52:00.001Z

Dir: Stuart Gordon

Cracking, underrated Empire Pictures movie from Stuart Gordon's golden period of overwhelming creativity (one a year with "Re-animator", "From Beyond" and "Dolls"! Wowser!). This one plays with the classic motif of travellers seeking shelter from the storm in a spooky old house. The house is inhabited by the Hartwickes, a pair of hospitable dollmakers who seem glad of the company. The only problem is that, during the night, their loyal and protective dolls made come alive and have plans of their own for anyone who's been naughty ... Part fairytale, part classic horror and part rampant splatter flick, "Dolls" is a successful and original blend of styles. At 77 minutes, it zips along and manages to be funny, poignant and shocking, all without pretense. John Carl Buechler provides some top-notch FX work; his evil little dolls are simply marvelous. This beats the stuffing out of most deadly toy movies. ***1/2

The Eye 10 (...Infinity) (2005)

2007-02-04T11:11:00.001Z

Dir: Oxide and Danny Pang

Well, the good news is that the ordinarily po-faced Pang Brothers seem to have developed a sense of humour. The bad news is that it isn't funny. This inconsistent comedy/horror sequel bears little relation to the previous two "Eye" films. A teenager purchases a useful old book called "10 Ways To See Ghosts" and tries to conjure spirits through its arcane suggestions. The tone of the movie shifts between frat-house comedy (who'd've thought that a single, well-placed fart in the spirit world could dispel demons?) to the moody'n'spooky style the Pangs are renknowned for, but since most of the scenes are neither funny nor scary, it fails on both levels. Instead we're treated to mindless shit like a five minute sequence of a girl being chased down a corridor by a supernatural basketball. There is only one joke that's funny (it involves the kid from the first "Eye" film being kicked in the face - rar!) and the rest of the movie is pure tedium. As ever, the atmosphere and photography are lush but this, to me, just says the Pangs should stick to music videos. They clearly can't write a screenplay to save their lives. Sigh. Do you remember when Asia was at the cutting edge of the genre? Seems like such a very long time ago now.

Blade: Trinity (2004)

2007-02-02T08:42:00.001Z

Dir: David S. Goyer

Gratuitous third installment in this series of mindless vamp-romps sees Blade (Wesley Snipes) teaming up with a hip and happening team of young slayers called The Nightstalkers to take on Dracula himself. Sadly, Dracula looks and dresses like a reject from a German hip hop band and isn't a convincingly dangerous enemy for a second of his screen time (although he does throw a baby across a rooftop at one point - ouch). This film is simultaneously the best and worst of the series. The plot is lazy, derivative and full of holes; the acting is atrocious; the dialogue is almost entirely made up of sub-Joss-Whedon wisecracking, and the whole script is littered with misguided pop culture references (ie: "She loves to listen to mp3s when she hunts. Dark core and trip hop, you know"). However, it's the best because it has A VAMPIRE POMERANIAN ATTACKING A SHIRTLESS RYAN REYNOLDS. Genius! Reynolds shines throughout this and his (possibly improvised) dialogue is frequently hilarious, loaded with creative language like "cockjuggling thundercunt". Still, even his screen time can't save this most cynical and ridiculous effort. The (nonsensical) ending paves the way for a fourth "Blade" movie. God help us all. EL BOMBA!

Blade 2 (2002)

2007-02-01T07:35:00.002Z

Dir: Guillermo del Toro

This gory but mundane sequel finds our fearless vampire killer (Wesley Snipes) joining forces with his undead nemeses, in order to defeat the Reapers, a new strain of super-vamps with explodey faces and curiously long tongues. This entails, essentially, a two hour chase through the neon-drenched streets of Prague. Two hours is a long time. The visual style is slicker than in the first film and the explodey face effect on the Reapers is fantastic. However, this one's let down by having almost no storyline at all. What little there is lacks pace or focus and it renders even the most visually striking of action sequences quite dull and meaningless. The film's also SERIOUSLY overlong although I did appreciate the way that, in the final reel, there is a sprinkle of reassuring dialogue like "it's nearly over" and "it won't be long now" (just to ensure no one leaves the cinema early, I suppose). Basically, unless the sight of Ron Perlman in a shiny rubber suit, blowing bubblegum, appeals to you (in which case, can I just pause to say "eww"?) then you're better off skipping this one. *

Blade (1998)

2007-01-30T21:45:00.001Z

Dir: Stephen Norrington

Action-packed comic book adaptation about a leather-clad mutant bad-ass (Wesley Snipes) who devotes his life to avenge his mother's death at the hands of nocturnal predators (vampires, not raccoons). To make things worse, there's a conspiracy afoot involving Stephen Dorff and some ancient, gelatinous Blood God, which threatens to put our hero out of action once and for all if he doesn't fight back with krazy kung-fu and novelty gadgets. This brief synopsis should warn you not to expect anything cerebral and, in fairness, "Blade" is pacy enough to not be completely dull. Unfortunately, the story never quite engages and the almost constant stream of atrocious CGI effects manages to detract from, well, everything. There are no real surprises here and, in spite of a few imaginative action sequences, the plot is stunningly predictable. Even brief cameos from trash icons like Traci Lords and Udo Kier don't improve things as much as they should do. Maybe I was just tired; maybe I wasn't in the right mood but overall, this just didn't do much for me. *1/2

White Noise : The Light (2007)

2007-01-06T16:18:00.001Z

Dir: Patrick Lussier

After a botched suicide attempt, grief-stricken Abe Dale (Nathan Fillion) finds he can see a glowing white light hovering around those about to die. He sets to sprinting around Vancouver, saving several Darwin Award contenders from meeting their moronic doom (seriously, the old dude under the truck really had it coming) but his noble intentions are thwarted by invisible zombies, Satanic conspiracy and the ever-present hand of fate. Although there are (to my surprise!) some quite original ideas here, the screenplay is too slapdash to pull them together. Heavy-handed direction ensures that obvious points are clarified six or seven times over, pandering to an audience it clearly views as dribbling idiots. Nathan Fillion can act but he's wasted here as his character is too one-dimensional ever come alive. His love interest, played by squeak-voiced Katee Sackhoff, just comes across as creepy. The film's grand finalé throws internal logic away in favour of flashing lights and cheap CGI, which is a damn shame. I don't know how many hands a script like this has to pass through before it's approved, but it's a pity none of them stopped to make a few key red pen marks. This, like so many recent supernatural movies, has a lot of bright potential but its head firmly buried in the dirt. *1/2

Scanners II : The New Order (1991)

2007-01-03T22:22:00.001Z

Dir: Christian Duguay

Bland, tedious sequel sees a return of the Scanners; men and women who have strong telepathic and telekinetic abilities and can do anything from reading thoughts to making heads explode. They also have mad arcade game skills, although I can't work out quite how. It's never explained. Nor is the reason why the Scanners are being exploited by a corrupt policeman who gets them hooked on an experimental drug in order to form a private Scanner army and bring about a vague "new order" in Canada (it's the fourth reich, eh! What's that all aboot?). A generic 'good vs evil' plot emerges as puppy-eyed country boy scanner David Hewlett decides to stop the Bad Man. The expected scan-offs occur, there's a semi-ok exploding head effect and some creepy/groovy contact lens work, but the story is so transparent and predictable, it just plods without generating the slightest bit of tension or interest. The only surprise here is that it wasn't actually made for TV, as it certainly feels like it was. At 100 minutes, it long outstays its welcome too. Ah well. Easy come, easy go. *1/2

Punk Rock Holocaust (2004)

2006-12-28T23:03:00.001Z

Dir: Doug Sakmann

It's the Vans Warped Tour 2003. Less Than Jake tell a story by the fireside about the worst band ever to play the tour. They were called Brutal Enigma and "they weren't even punk rock; they were industrial or synthpop or some shit". They got kicked off the tour and no one ever heard from them again. Now, a masked killer is picking off bands and fans en masse. Could there be a connection? Could there also somehow be an even more fiendish plot at hand, involving zombies, supernatural powers and Satan Himself (who may or may not be played by Lloyd Kaufman)? Indeed there could. I warn you now; this film is utterly mindless. It's made for about a dollar, horribly shot on video with hyperactive editing and a high level of stupidity. On the other hand, it's great fun if you like punk rock and splatter. Not only are there some gloriously inventive death scenes (the way in which Bowling For Soup meet their unfortunate end is a work of genius) and a relentless triple-figure body count (hardcore gore approxmiately every two minutes) but also a ton of killer tunes from the likes of Rancid and Tsunami Bomb, and sense of demented fun that feels entirely sincere. As if this wasn't enough, there's also a certain guilty pleasure in watching rubbish bands like Simple Plan and The Used die horribly. The moment in which Andrew WK gets electrocuted onstage is a Godsend that should've happened long ago. But yeah, "Punk Rock Holocaust" requires a lot of beer, your brain in a jar and a love of good obnoxious music to fully work, but what can I say? This is clearly my puerile idea of a fun time. ***

The Guardian (1990)

2006-12-28T18:58:00.002Z

Dir: William Friedkin

William Friedkin's long-awaited return to the horror genre has been justifiably forgotten over time and is almost never mentioned in the same breath as "The Exorcist". This may be because it's complete nonsense about a bonkers druidess nanny (Jenny Seagrove) who feeds babies to a big tree somewhere out in the Hollywood hills. It never properly gets explained and since this heady concept is revealed within the first five minutes, there are no surprises nor any tension as the movie progresses. The dialogue and characterisation are both below par and there are one or two monumentally stupid moments resulting from the slipshod direction (including an hilarious shot, where it looks like a guy twhacks a woman over the head with a two week old baby (he actually just slaps her but the continuity and the camera angle are both way off)). Still, that's not to say the film is without merit. You just have to be feeling tolerant. Jenny Seagrove spends most of her screen time naked, which is no bad thing, there are gallons of entertaining gore (not to mention an inventive use of a chainsaw), there are even one or two creepy moments; and, call me a sucker, but I can't totally hate a movie in which a hot naked girl painted green flies through a living room and gets spontaneously dismembered by invisible forces. You just have to suspend disbelief completely and sit through some of the most painful stupidity ever committed to celluloid to get to this good stuff. **

Tokyo Psycho (2004)

2006-12-21T13:15:00.002Z

Dir: Ataru Oikawa

Amateurish shot-on-video cheapie from the director of the popular "Tomie" series. In this one, a young girl (Sachiko Kokubu) is sent a curiously stained note that reads "YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME", after which she finds herself the victim of a psycho stalker. It's revealed very early on in the film (ie: within the first 20 minutes) that the antagonist is a chap she went to high school with, who had a crush on her and has had trouble letting go. I have to admit, even as an expert on inappropriate crushes myself, I still feel that force-feeding centipedes to the one you love is quite a bizarre approach and his other tactics (which I'll leave you to find out, should you deign to watch the film) are equally unsuccessful. I guess that's why he's a psycho. The best thing about the movie is that it's only 78 minutes long, but even this is spread thin given that I've just managed to cover the entire plot in a couple of lines. The pre-credits sequence (a creepy, bloodstained drag queen in whiteface pushing his hands through a letterbox) is quite jarring but sadly has little to do with the rest of the movie. Even some of the weird/unsettling/grotesque imagery later on (including a horrible close-up face-ripping) can't save this one from drowning in its own pointlessness. Plus, the excess cackling/gurning in the final reel is thoroughly uncalled for. Unintentional amusement stems from the director's message at the very end, in which he tells us that the Japanese police don't take stalking seriously enough (why he made the film, apparently) and that we should all "be careful". Indeed. *