Dir: Fabrice Du Welz
Listen? Do you hear that? That hollow, scratching sound? Fingernails on wood? Ah yes. You do, because here, folks, we are truly, desperately scraping the very bottom of the barrel. The plot of "Calvaire" involves a travelling cabaret singer whose van breaks down in the countryside during bad weather. He is obliged to accept the hospitality of a weirdo innkeeper named 'Paul Bartel' (a clumsy and perplexingly lateral reference) and next thing you know, he gets brained by a car battery, wakes up in a dress, tied to a chair and being given a curious new haircut. From thereon, we're forced to endure about an hour's worth of torture and the obligatory, obviously thwarted escape attempts. I don't know about you, but I'm way beyond bored of mindless sadism and people being tied to chairs now. This one offers nothing new. In fact, what little story there is becomes so pointless, incoherent and ridiculous that I wanted to throw a brick through my TV screen. How on Earth they expect the viewer, after sitting through such a slow, excruciating movie to somehow believe in such a clichéd, far-fetched primary-school level 'twist' ending is beyond me. Even a cameo from an unrecognisable Brigitte Lahaie doesn't save it. Who is funding this nonsense? MAKE IT STOP.
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