The Texas Chainsaw Massacre (2003)

Dir: Marcus Nispel

Insufferable and vapid remake of the 1973 film which replaces anything of interest with generic, overcooked stalk-n-slash fodder. Teens in a van get stranded in a fairly nondescript location (they don't even try to make it look like Texas) and, one by one, they're hacked to bits by a lummox in a mask. The script here is one-dimensional and dismal. They even give Leatherface a lame back story in which he gets bullied at school for having a skin disease. Most shockingly of all, they unmask him (sacrilege!) and, uncannily, he's a deadringer for Stephen King! The whole film is so dull and unengaging that even the chase scenes feel like they're moving in slow motion. The set design is flat and unoriginal. The lighting makes everything feel washed out and gives the film a sterile atmosphere. The gore, whilst squishy and unpleasant, is needlessly cruel and this humourless mean streak running through everything feels more puerile than shocking. A perpetually braless Jessica Biel is the only thing at all appealing here. Everything else made me want just smash up the video case, take all the tape out and wear it on my face like a mask of celluloid. It'd be much better use of my time than actually watching the wretched thing.