Bloodrayne (2005)

Dir: Uwe Boll

This wildly lavish costume horror from the scrambled brain of Uwe Boll is allegedly set in 18th century Romania, although any historical or geographical accuracy is ignored with gleeful abandon. The story centres on Rayne (Kristanna Loken), a half-human/half-vampire girl who seeks vengeance upon her evil undead father (Ben Kingsley, who here resembles the Pilsbury dough boy playing a kung-fu Marquis de Sade). He, meanwhile, is after some kind of magical talisman (aren't they always?) and it all leads to one big ol' swordfight. Somehow, Boll got a budget for this nonsense. The screenplay is written by Guinevere Turner ("American Psycho", "The Notorious Betty Page"), although this doesn't stop it from being riddled with ludicrous, anachronistic trumpery. The cast is full of 'name' actors (Michelle Rodriguez, Billy Zane, Udo Kier; even Meat Loaf pops up to grope Romanian prostitutes and get his ear bitten off!) but they seem to deliver their lines on auto-pilot and often with incomprehensible accents that sound like Cockney market sellers with Downs Syndrome (a symptom of the faux-period dialogue perhaps?). In spite of all this, the film somehow managed to entertain me and I found it hard to truly dislike. It's fast-paced, full of nudity and cartoon gore by the bucketload, and it's completely without shame. It's a big colorful whirlwind of trash and it's rare nowadays to see such Z-Grade exploitation on a dangerously high budget. They even replay ALL the gore at the end in slo-mo for maximum exploitation points. As if this wasn't enough, they gave Boll regular Will Sanderson a mohawk, a horse and his own private army. This can only be a good thing. ***