The Scorpion With Two Tails (1982)

Dir: Sergio Martino

This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *