The Ungodly (2007)

Dir: Thomas Dunn

Wes Bentley stars as a down-on-his-luck documentary maker who decides to follow a serial killer (played by co-writer Mark Borkowski) around New York and, uh, find the human behind the monster? Maybe? It's never entirely clear just what prompted this. However, we're asked to draw awkward, questionable paralells between Bentley's addiction to drugs and Borkowski's addiction to murder and just buy into the two men being pretty much star-crossed as a result. There are one or two nice ideas here and the leads work hard with the material but it's too muddled to ever fully engage. Unfavourable mental comparisons to "Man Bites Dog" do it even fewer favours. This probably isn't a film I'd recommend unless you're particularly in thrall to Wes Bentley's beard. *1/2

The Eye In The Labyrinth (1972)

Dir: Mario Caiano

Weird giallo in which a beautiful but seemingly unemployed woman with no friends or family (played by the wonderful Rosemary Dexter) investigates her boyfriend's disappearance. The search takes her to a weird villa populated by a dizzying array of misfits, hepcats and scumbags, all of whom appear to have a motive for bumping him off. Between the surprise transvestites, child perverts, drug barons and retired gangsters, the plot is convoluted to say the least. It has more red herrings than a sith fishmonger but, despite best efforts to obfuscate with weirdness, the final twist is blindingly obvious from the opening scenes. Sure, the cast is interesting, there's a nice black streak of humour and the Argento-esque camera-play is lively but this isn't quite enough to make the preposterous plot fly. One for the completists. *1/2

Jeepers Creepers (2001)

Dir: Victor Salva

I never saw this one at the time but, watching it now, it hasn't really aged that well. Justin Long and Gina Phillips play a brother and sister driving home from college along a barren highway. In true Duel style, they're pursued by a creepy old truck and a deadly cat and mouse game is thrown down. The cat, however, soon turns out to have some unexpected claws... There are some things to enjoy about this modern-day creature feature - a couple of really nasty gore scenes and high production values in particular - but it's just too thin a plot (monster-chases-kids...endlessly) to work for 90 minutes. It probably would've made a nice 45 minute Masters of Horror episode but, as it stands, there are some very odd, laboured attempts to stretch things out and it's hard to maintain a sense of threat for such a long time without getting to the implausible "they're still not dead!?" stage. *1/2

Four Flies On Grey Velvet (1971)

Dir: Dario Argento

An abstract giallo from Argento's halcyon days that doesn't work as well as it should do. I appreciate that he was experimenting with the form he helped create and the artistry (and indeed audacity) of some the setpiece scenes here is breathtaking but the film's tone is too uneven. On one hand, it's a straight mystery story with a jazz drummer becoming embroiled in a web of blackmail and mass murder when he accidentally stabs a stranger who's been following him. On the other, it's a surreal black comedy, loaded with oddball red herrings, like Bud Spencer as "God" and Jean-Pierre Marielle's camp detective who spouts offbeat dialogue and flirts outrageously. It's also an utterly illogical, almost plotless film of images; an excuse for Argento to indulge his arthouse leanings. While any of these three elements could work alone, they clash badly and fight against each other. The messy result is interesting if you're an Argento scholar and it's always a pleasure to see Mimsy Farmer on the screen, but this is actually quite a dull film to watch. Yes. Even with Mimsy, it's flimsy. Sorry. Couldn't resist. *1/2

Demons Never Die (2011)

Dir: Arjun Rose

A group of depressed high schoolers make a suicide pact and decide they'll all "go out in style" at an upcoming party. However, a helpful masked gentleman dressed in black shows up and picks them off one by one, thus removing the need for it. This is obviously an odd, slightly contradictory premise for a slasher but - in fairness - the script initially manages to sell it. The characters, while a little stereotypical, are passable and the dialogue is nice and naturalistic. It tackles a few heavy teen issues (suicide, bulimia, depression, grief, etc) in a slightly crass, surface-level way but that doesn't seem too troublesome until everything goes to pieces in the final reel. This combines direct scene lifts from "Scream" with gimmicky hand-held footage and a completely confusing, hideous misfire of a twist ending that devalues the whole thing. One of those "you'll never guess because it makes no sense" types. The movie was apparently made for £90,000 so you can forgive the ugly washed-out videography a little but there's no excuse for the dodgy writing. *1/2

Wicked Little Things (2006)

Dir: J.S. Cardone

Veteran horror director Cardone hands over a workmanlike zombie flick that trundles along competently without ever offering anything above the strictly average. Lori Heuring, Scout Taylor-Compton and Chloe Moretz all do their best with what they've got, playing a mother and her two daughters. They move to a creepy house they've inherited somewhere up in the woods and live happily ever with their new real estate that soon increases in value. No, I'm kidding. It all goes horribly wrong. A bunch of kids who got buried in a 19th Century coal mining accident haunt the place, bashing in people's heads with pick-axes, eating livestock and generally doing stuff that creepy ghost/zombie kids might do. It's not a terrible film but it is so generic and loaded with familiar tropes and clichés that you'll struggle to pay attention for the full 90 minutes. The decent cast is kind of wasted on the material and the zombie kids look a bit too silly to ever really scare. *1/2

Beyond Reanimator (2003)

Dir: Brian Yuzna

Lacklustre threequel that fails to live up to its predecessors. Jeffrey Combs is back as Herbert West but this time he's in prison. The clink doc, Howard Phillips (GROAN), enlists West to help in the clinic but his ulterior motive is to produce more of West's "re-agent", the secret formula that brings back the dead. Before long, zombies abound and the traditionally splattery mayhem ensues. Unfortunately, there's something missing. Although we get everything from twitching, rat-bothering severed penises to eyeballs running around of their own volition, the "shock and awe" of the first film's insane gore is missing. Instead, the mix of comedy and brutality just jars and feels somehow gross (in the bad way) and yet very, very dull. The fact that they use endlessly convoluted pseudo-science to justify what's basically a retread of the first two films just makes it all the more tedious. The prosthetic work by Screaming Mad George is technically excellent and Elsa Pataky is always a pleasure but otherwise, there's not much here. *1/2

Lady of the Lake (1998)

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

This early Maurice Devereaux film failed to live up to the expectations I had from watching his later ones. It's an unfair comparison since he'd obviously had more time to practice and presumably more money for those but still... This tale of a drowned gypsy girl who seeks vengeance as a demon is convoluted to the point of incoherence by some really weird details (ie: her suitor is a knight but not quite - he's actually a carnival performer who pretends to be a knight and, boy, does he pretend). A shame because there's some beautiful photography (even if they overdid it severely on the underwater shots) and it's quite nicely made. It's just all painfully silly despite trying so hard for a dark, atmospheric tone. Perhaps if I'd caught this randomly on late night TV, I'd've had a different reaction and enjoyed it for its unintentional goofiness (ie: zombie knight fights, monsters with dental fillings, amazingly corny green-screen backdrops of fire and lightning, hellacious bad guy overacting, squirty gore galore, endless nudity) but I dunno. I guess I wanted something better. *1/2

Bleak Future (1997)

Dir: Brian S. O'Malley

Quirky no-budget 16mm effort that pits post-apocalyptic mutants against one another in a race against time! Slangman (Frank Kowal) is a dictionary-toting anti-hero who, with the help of a mute Scotsman and a quirky blonde actress, embarks on a quest to find 'the source' (this appears to be a compact disc - or possibly a library - I lost track). A number of others are searching for this too, including King Malice (a mutant with two faces, one that spits goo) and Doctor Obvious (a punk rock prophet who believes himself the smartest man in the world). It all culminates with a ton of fake gore and terrible puns. To be honest, as hard as it tries, "Bleak Future" is one ghastly, Godawful mess. There's some talent and enthusiasm here, but the best thing about the movie is, by far, the Pig Latin subtitles on the 2007 DVD release. If only the screenplay were anywhere near this funny! I'd like to think it's because director O'Malley has genuinely gotten funnier in the 10 year interim. Might have to watch another of his to fully conclude. *1/2

Blade (1998)

Dir: Stephen Norrington

Action-packed comic book adaptation about a leather-clad mutant bad-ass (Wesley Snipes) who devotes his life to avenge his mother's death at the hands of nocturnal predators (vampires, not raccoons). To make things worse, there's a conspiracy afoot involving Stephen Dorff and some ancient, gelatinous Blood God, which threatens to put our hero out of action once and for all if he doesn't fight back with krazy kung-fu and novelty gadgets. This brief synopsis should warn you not to expect anything cerebral and, in fairness, "Blade" is pacy enough to not be completely dull. Unfortunately, the story never quite engages and the almost constant stream of atrocious CGI effects manages to detract from, well, everything. There are no real surprises here and, in spite of a few imaginative action sequences, the plot is stunningly predictable. Even brief cameos from trash icons like Traci Lords and Udo Kier don't improve things as much as they should do. Maybe I was just tired; maybe I wasn't in the right mood but overall, this just didn't do much for me. *1/2

White Noise : The Light (2007)

Dir: Patrick Lussier

After a botched suicide attempt, grief-stricken Abe Dale (Nathan Fillion) finds he can see a glowing white light hovering around those about to die. He sets to sprinting around Vancouver, saving several Darwin Award contenders from meeting their moronic doom (seriously, the old dude under the truck really had it coming) but his noble intentions are thwarted by invisible zombies, Satanic conspiracy and the ever-present hand of fate. Although there are (to my surprise!) some quite original ideas here, the screenplay is too slapdash to pull them together. Heavy-handed direction ensures that obvious points are clarified six or seven times over, pandering to an audience it clearly views as dribbling idiots. Nathan Fillion can act but he's wasted here as his character is too one-dimensional ever come alive. His love interest, played by squeak-voiced Katee Sackhoff, just comes across as creepy. The film's grand finalé throws internal logic away in favour of flashing lights and cheap CGI, which is a damn shame. I don't know how many hands a script like this has to pass through before it's approved, but it's a pity none of them stopped to make a few key red pen marks. This, like so many recent supernatural movies, has a lot of bright potential but its head firmly buried in the dirt. *1/2

Scanners II : The New Order (1991)

Dir: Christian Duguay

Bland, tedious sequel sees a return of the Scanners; men and women who have strong telepathic and telekinetic abilities and can do anything from reading thoughts to making heads explode. They also have mad arcade game skills, although I can't work out quite how. It's never explained. Nor is the reason why the Scanners are being exploited by a corrupt policeman who gets them hooked on an experimental drug in order to form a private Scanner army and bring about a vague "new order" in Canada (it's the fourth reich, eh! What's that all aboot?). A generic 'good vs evil' plot emerges as puppy-eyed country boy scanner David Hewlett decides to stop the Bad Man. The expected scan-offs occur, there's a semi-ok exploding head effect and some creepy/groovy contact lens work, but the story is so transparent and predictable, it just plods without generating the slightest bit of tension or interest. The only surprise here is that it wasn't actually made for TV, as it certainly feels like it was. At 100 minutes, it long outstays its welcome too. Ah well. Easy come, easy go. *1/2

Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye (1973)

Dir: Antonio Margheriti

Jane Birkin was never really the world's greatest actress, but she looked so staggeringly stunning in 1973 that you won't even mind as she flits, flounces and flounders her way through this goofy, gothic giallo, even though it's little beyond a vanity vehicle for the vintage vixen. Plotwise, Jane plays the absurdly named Corringa, a convent girl who's expelled and returns to her family home; a sprawling castle in the Scottish countryside. There's a curse on the place that involves cats and vampires as well as a secret passage in the wall, a horny gorilla in the attic, a rat-eaten corpse in the cellar and (as the title suggests) a promised number of throat-slashy murders (von, two, I love to count!). We also get nudity-free sex, unconvincingly lumpen red paint in lieu of decent special FX and a wonky synthesiser soundtrack. Too patently ludicrous even for the genre, "Seven Deaths in the Cat's Eye" is a messy affair that's probably only enjoyed as a slice of high-camp nonsense that looks pretty and requires no thought at all. The bonus of an atrociously dubbed Serge Gainsbourg, slumming it here as a Scottish policeman with a squeaky Glasgae accent, is appreciated though. The things we do for love, eh, Serge? *1/2

Deep Evil (2004)

Dir: Pat Williams

Zero-budget, made-for-TV alien horror in which a bunch of painfully miscast scientists and military types are sent into a secret cave on a top secret government mission. An 'experiment' has escaped and someone's gotta stop it. Uwe Boll favourites Ona Grauer and Will Sanderson provide much unintentional amusement (especially Sanderson's Southern American accent - "Spah-ders!") and the script is actually quite lively to begin with, but the movie falls apart after about 45 minutes. It takes over an hour before anyone is killed off and badly-lit shots of people in protective headgear (that comes off very easily, so that Grauer can shake her hair about) get old fast. The CGI effects are, hands-down, the worst I've ever seen (especially the CGI helicopters) and the science behind the aliens makes absolutely no sense at all. The ridiculous twist at the end is even more obvious than the fact that none of the cast have ever been to acting school. It's a shame because somewhere in amongst the gibberish, there's half a good idea here, but it just plays like a poor man's "Resident Evil". I admit I've seen a lot worse in my time but, unless you're enough of a Will Sanderson junkie to extract joy from his bad accent, this is probably not worth the rental. *1/2

Pulse (2006)

Dir: Jim Sonzero

I like the idea. I really do. Telecommunications experiments involving super long wave frequencies end up channeling the dead. The angry dead at that. Before long, said dead are coming through modems, cellphones, wi-fi, you name it. Anything that has a network seems to release screaming, flickering static ghosties faster than you say "'Ring' was eight years ago! these FX are passé!" and it's down to a group of nondescript, apathetic teens to save the world. Sadly, this hip retelling of Kiyoshi Kurosawa's "Kairo" fails for several reasons. Firstly, the screenplay (co-penned by a sheepish Wes Craven) is seriously clumsy and filled with holes you could push André The Giant through; the characters never come to life, the story doesn't get going until about 15 minutes before the end and there are way too many confusing, inconsequential scenes that bog it down and go nowhere. Secondly, the style/direction is atrocious. Imagine being locked in a room for ten years watching nothing but TV commercials and Metallica videos circa 1991 and "Pulse" would be the resultant nightmares you'd have. Filters, post-production trickery, bad CGI, shakycam handheld shots and more gratuitous Kristen Bell costume changes than you can shake a halter top at. A damn shame because with some tightening up, a little directorial restraint, and a few more of the fleeting creepy moments, this could've been a contender. *1/2

The Ghost of Mae Nak (2005)

Dir: Mark Duffield

Set against the urban sprawl of modern-day Bangkok, "The Ghost of Mae Nak", although directed by a Westerner, plants itself firmly in the current Eastern cycle of now-cliché spookiness. It's a loose adaptation of the Thai folk legend, Mae Nak in which a vengeful ghost manifests itself in the house of a newlywed couple in the form of (you guessed it) a pale-faced soggy dead girl. If you've seen "Ringu" or any of its innumerable clones, you'll know the drill by now and Duffield's overlong screenplay does little to separate itself from the pack. Only the occasional flash of black comedy and some show-stopping gore set pieces (the man being split in half with a pane of glass was spectacular) enliven what's otherwise a fairly mediocre effort. *1/2

The Marsh (2006)

Dir: Jordan Barker

Gabrielle Anwar plays a writer of spooky children's books. She suffers recurring nightmares about a creepy old house by a marshland. When she discovers the location of the house she (naturally!) moves in there, only to find... wait for it... she's haunted by visions of a SOGGY DEAD GIRL! WITH LANK HAIR! ARRGH! Yes, it all goes a bit "Ring"-like from thereon and if you've seen any one of these kinda movies, you can guess exactly how the story ends. To the filmmakers' credit, it is beautifully shot, with some luscious production design and even the odd few moments of creepiness here and there. Unfortunately it's spoiled by a painfully deriative plot and too many bogus 'jolts' over nothing (aiiieee! it's a spooky glass of wine! BOOM! it's an open window!) that made me feel hugely patronised. Even with Gabrielle Anwar's nipples bursting out of her shirt in every scene, I still found myself falling asleep by the end of this. Zzzz. *1/2

Sexbomb (1988)

Dir: Jeff Broadstreet

Inane spoof from the ever-schlocky production house of Fred Olen Ray. This one is an elaborate cause-and-effect farce about "I Rip Your Flesh With Pliers", a fictional splatter movie. The cast and crew seem less concerned about manufacturing onscreen violence and more into just killing one another. There are some sporadically amusing moments (the exploding horny werewolf raised a smile), weird ideas and Grade A eye candy (Linnea Quigley and Delia Shepphard being the female leads), but this can't sustain it for 86 laboured minutes. There's even a terrible musical number half way through in which 'Ethan', the plier-wielding serial killer, chases Linnea (wearing a 'VICTIM' t-shirt) around the set whilst occasionally stopping for the twist and the mashed potato. I really need to stop watching this kind of film before my brain gives out entirely. *1/2

Kakashi (2001)

Dir: Norio Tsuruta

This unusual, low-key Japanese chiller tells the story of Kaoru (Maho Nonami of "2LDK" fame), a girl searching for her brother who has disappeared, leaving only a mysterious letter behind. The return address leads Kaoru to an isolated village where the mute, antisocial inhabitants are preparing for a 'Kakashi' (scarecrow) festival ... The atmosphere throughout the film is very moody and the scarecrows are creepy as anything (but then again, scarecrows frighten the pants off of me in any context); I really loved the photography, the use of the rural setting and the cast (especially Kou Shibasaki as the obligatory evil little girl). I thought the film had enormous potential. Then it all fell to pieces in the second half and stopped making sense. I could just about see what it was getting at but the screenplay is too clumsy and confused to fully come together. By the end, you'll be scratching your head and wishing they could've spent a bit more time on keeping things coherent. Characterisation is nil. A waste of some nice ideas. *1/2

Death Train (2005)

Dir: Kazuyuki Sakamoto

Surreal Hideshi Hino story about three schoolgirls who catch a train to the local amusement park. The train crashes but the girls survive, only to find that little parts of their surroundings seem to be coming apart at the seams. Strangers live in their houses, pretending to be family. Mother sneaks into the bedroom at night with no head. Armies of zombies prowl the streets. Dismembered corpses come to life. 50-foot ghost girls stomp around behind the buildings. That sort of thing. The girls must (naturally) use their wits to escape this hallucinatory Hell-world but, sadly, this is done so slowly and aimlessly that any strange or interesting ideas the film has get left behind to drown in a big puddle of pointlessness. The sort-of 'twist' in the tale is apparent from about ten minutes in. It's all well-directed and acted, the gore is nicely done and I appreciate the characteristic weirdness of Hino's imagination but ultimately, "Death Train" is an atrociously-paced movie that left me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. *1/2