The Arcane Sorcerer (1996)

Dir: Pupi Avati

If you're longing for the crawling flesh and rising goosebumps you got the last time you watched a properly creepy ghost story, and it's been way too long, then look no further. Pupi Avati's underrated gem, "The Arcane Sorcerer", is exactly what you're after. Set in the 16th century, a young student is disgraced by a sex scandal and sent away to become secretary to a defrocked priest who lives in a remote country house and is known for his collection of esoteric, occult books and his recently deceased former assistant - an apparent black wizard. I don't want to say too much else about the plot. It's largely a two-hander between the excellent leads - Carlo Cecchi and Stefano Dionisi - and packed with twists and scares. A film of great craftmanship, depth and understated beauty, Avati shoots in warm, earthy, autumnal tones and packs his screenplay with rich exploration of his themes (ol' favourites death and sin, mostly). The gothic atmosphere enhances some very creepy moments indeed and, despite a slightly rushed-feeling final five minutes, this is a strong example of a master horror director at work. If you like ghosts or intelligent occult horror, seek it out at once. ***1/2

Alucarda (1978)

Dir: Juan López Moctezuma

Batshit crazy Mexican horror that had me muttering "they don't make 'em like this any more" at the screen more than just about anything else I've ever seen. An innocent orphan named Justine (of COURSE she's named Justine!), who looks a bit like a young Carol Vorderman only more naked, enters a bizarre convent that seems to have been built inside a cave. It's covered in dangling Christ statues and candles, the nuns all dress in bloodied bandages and flagellate frequently, so it's really no surprise when fanaticism leads to lesbianism leads to Satanism leads to the dark side, etc... It is, however, a surprise when you throw in a bunch of vampirism, zombie nuns, blood rain, nuns on fire and goat-faced demons. Words can't describe how hysterical much of Alucarda is. It finally delivers on the promise of so many "all sizzle, no steak" nunsploitation films of its era. The truly insane gypsy black mass sequence alone wipes the floor with much of the subgenre. If you like 70s occult/psychedelic imagery, you'll find very little that will quell the hunger like this one. A lost classic. Just don't expect it to actually make sense (the film's only real flaw) and you'll love it! ***1/2

Devil's Nightmare (1971)

Dir: Jean Brismée

Dated gothic chiller in which a group of seven tourists find themselves careening around the candlelit corridors of a creepy castle at the mercy of a sultry succubus (Erika Blanc, in various states of undress). As cool as that sounds, there's not much to rave about in "Devil's Nightmare". The plotting is slow, the murders are kinda hokey (although I have to admit, the "drowning in gold glitter" one is flamboyant and original enough to warrant mention!) and the touted-all-over-the-sleeve lesbian sex scene is not as exciting as several overheated IMDB reviewers would have you believe. There's the odd touch of class here and there (each of the seven tourists represents one of the Deadly Sins if you're paying attention) and the atmosphere is nice but it's mostly quite dull, uneventful stuff. If you're going to watch it for anything, Daniel Emilfork's super-spooky turn as Satan is the best bit but otherwise this is a time-filler at best. **

The Shrine (2010)

Dir: Jon Knautz

A bonehead journalist drags her photographer boyfriend (who could do a whole lot better, all things considered) and her cannon fodder intern on an unsanctioned trip to Poland. They try (badly) to track down a number of American backpackers who've gone missing but instead find a spooky cloud of fog in the forests, a bleach-blonde gym-rat farmer who LOVES TO SHOUT and a statue of the Devil with eyes that cry blood! Yeah! Now we're talking. The Shrine is above average for this kind of horror as it takes a couple of risks - from the three significant tonal shifts in the film to the fact that there's a whole 15 minute section with dialogue entirely in unsubtitled Polish - and they pay off for the most part. The photography is that horrible washed-out blue that's a touchstone for "HORROR!" nowadays but otherwise, this is a zippy, gory little B-feature that'll pass the time on a lazy afternoon. **1/2

End of the Line (2007)

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

I wouldn't want to speak too soon having only seen two of his films but I'm fast becoming convinced that Canadian director Maurice Devereaux is one of the leading lights of the horror genre right now. "End of the Line" is wonderful. The twisty-turny plot concerns a group of travelers on a subway train, trapped underground with a crazed doomsday cult who believe the apocalypse is occurring above them. This skillfully uses conventions of survival horror while at the same time offering something new and exciting that's as creepy as it is gory. My one small complaint with the script is that the ending (although still unsettling) is given away far too early and I'd've probably had my mind completely blown beyond repair if I hadn't seen it coming. But this is a small price to pay for all the wonderful roving long takes, the finger-chewing tension, the chilling atmosphere, the unflinching gore and the above-average characterisation. I wish all indie horror was this inventive, disturbing and brilliant. Kinda reminds me of the buzz I got the first time I watched "The Descent". ***1/2

Children of the Corn 3 : Urban Harvest (1995)

Dir: James D.R. Hickox

Two country boys - creepy little jerk Eli and loveable lummox Joshua - get fostered by a nice middle-class family in Chicago and bring with them the unspeakable horrors of Gatlin, which you may remember from the original Stephen King story. There's not much else to connect it, mind. All Hell breaks loose, quite literally, in this one and it all goes completely batshit in the final reel, veering into the realms of zombie scarecrows and gigantic slime monsters. But these things? I like! A threequel that's actually the best in the series, "Urban Harvest" is a solid supernatural horror with a strong script, some mad ideas, a tremendous amount of gore and wicked prosthetics courtesy of Screaming Mad George. If you only watch one "Children of the Corn" movie, make it this one, basically. ***

The Day of the Beast (1995)

Dir: Álex de la Iglesia

A theologian priest discovers, through extensive study, that the Book of Revelations is a cryptogram which, when deciphered, announces the birth of the Antichrist on December 25th, 1995. Convinced that this is to occur in Madrid, the priest enlists the help of a death metal record shop owner and a fraudulent TV spiritualist in order to prevent the Apocalypse by tricking Satan. Far from being as crude or exploitative as this sounds (especially when coming from the director of the raucous "Accion Mutante"), "The Day of the Beast" is strangely sensitive towards its subject matter. A 'buddy movie' with a difference, this modern masterpiece is intelligent, lively, loaded with hysterical gallows humour and a constant flow of inventive madness that never descends into schlock. The twisty screenplay is watertight and considered; the photography is breathtaking; the three leads (Alex Angulo, Armando De Razza and Santiago Segura) play their parts phenomenally so by the end, you're not only endeared to them but convinced that their insane mission is somehow bonafide. Quite frankly, this is one of the best films I've seen in any genre and a double-bill with this and "Gremlins" would be the best Christmas present you could give to someone. ****

The Nameless (1999)

Dir: Jaume Balagueró

In this loose adaptation of the Ramsey Campbell novel of the same name, director Balagueró plays around with the premise of the book to create an altogether darker piece. The story follows a literary editor whose daughter is abducted and brutally murdered. Some ten years later, she receives a phone call from someone purporting to be her daughter, claiming she's still alive but is being held captive. The ensuing investigation does away with all the supernatural/psychic elements that are alluded to in Campbell's work and replaces them with a more fearsome enemy. I honestly like what they've done with it and the ending is a stunningly executed boot in the gall bladder - one of the few genuinely shocking sequences I've seen in recent memory - but the film falls short on characterisation and narrative structure (ironically, the book's two strongest points). Still, in spite of its flaws, it plays well, is nicely shot and, like I say, the horrifying finalé will kick your ass into taking away stronger memories with you than perhaps is justified. I'd be interested in seeing more of Balagueró's work. ***

Dark Devil

Dir: Denchat Rakyart

A Thai village is terrorised by a black magician who specialises in killing women and then bringing them back to life as subserviant undead housewives. This is an appealing prospect to various village sleazeballs who enlist the conjurer's help in enslaving their respective crushes. But never fear; all this misogynist villainy is thwarted by a pair of righteous Buddhist monks, who use karma and dharma to kick evil's ass! RIGHTEOUS, DUDES! This is a very strange film indeed; it plays like a public access rural soap opera (shot on camcorder, bright pastel colours everywhere, tranquil muzak, inane villager chatter ad nauseam) and then every now and again it feels as though someone has mischievously superimposed a bunch of CGI ghouls and gore over the top. If it wasn't so damn weird (made even weirder by the excruciating 'Engrish' subtitles on the R3 DVD), this would probably be unwatchable. It's essentially one 80-minute-long advert for Buddhism, but its combination of the unpredictable and the banal keeps it oddly engaging (for all the wrong reasons) on a first viewing. The ending has to be seen to be believed and, while I don't wish to ruin it for you, I can tell you it involves giant spectral cows fighting with lightning bolts in the sky. Oh yes. Also essential viewing for anyone amused by seemingly endless scenes in which Thai goofballs vomit up rusty nails, scorpions and, at one point, swords. EL BOMBA!

Satan's Return (1996)

Dir: Ah Lun

This rollicking Hong Kong actioneer with a supernatural twist stars Chigmy Yau and Donnie Yen as a pair of cops in pursuit of a serial killer. He calls himself 'Judas', likes to crucify young women and is convinced that the Daughter of the Devil will be reborn on the 6th June 1996. At first, it seems he's just a nutter (well, he does like eating human hearts, after all) but then, as evidence mounts up that may well confirm his batshit theory, the cops find themselves doubting their own sanity and quite possibly plunging headlong towards the apocalypse. The movie bounds along at a rate of knots, loaded with hi-energy camerawork, exagerrative lighting and tons of blasphemous imagery (unusual for an Eastern film). Yau, as ever, lights up the screen and sizzles, whilst Yen looks suitably intense and kicks everybody's ass, as the hard-as-nails no-nonsense detective (who also wields a mean chainsaw). True, the script has a few holes and the ending is annoyingly goofball, but there are some wicked action sequences, a few moments of creepiness and enough quirkiness to keep you guessing. I'm feeling generous. ***

Evilspeak (1981)

Dir: Eric Weston

Clint Howard (then just known for being the wee boy from "Gentle Ben") stars in this early 80s nasty, playing the geeky Stanley Coopersmith, a military academy misfit who is bullied by both his superiors and his fellow cadets. By chance, he discovers a Satanic chapel that was built beneath the school, hundreds of years before (how conveeeeenient... muhahaha!) and, somehow, manages to program his computer into helping him perform a Black Mass (bear with me here). Obligatory unholy vengeance on his enemies follows. "Evilspeak" starts slowly and very little happens for the first hour, but this is excusable through an above-average script with decent characterisation. The insane final reel, however, is well worth ANY wait and seriously has to be seen to be believed - a righteous splatterfest of epic proportions that manages to be actually quite chilling, in spite of the film's low budget and occasional absurdity. Also, the old-skool computer graphics are nothing short of wild and you'll be willing to trade in your own Grandma's soul for an "ESTEBAN ESTEBAN ESTEBAN" screensaver by the end. Anyway, what really pushes "Evilspeak" out of the 80s video glut and into the realms of the genuinely unusual is its inherent darkness and total lack of the normally ever-present moralising. The final shot (which I won't ruin) is disturbing, bleak and yet, oddly, beautiful. One really gets the impression that writer/director Weston had a score to settle with the hypocrisy of both the church and the military and "Evilspeak" feels like a passionately delivered sword in the skull of both. ***

Fear No Evil (1981)

Dir: Frank LaLoggia

Even a bitchin' new wave soundtrack (Ramones, B-52s, Talking Heads, etc) can't save this absolute turd of a movie. The plot? Don't even try. It has lofty religious pretensions and a vague homo-erotic undercurrent but aside from the Devil being born into the body of a high schooler, there isn't an awful lot that makes sense. We do, however, learn that the Devil likes tree swings, red lipstick, kissing dogs and shrieking like a schoolgirl while being chased around a castle. As a bonus, we get death by dodgeball (seriously), an epidemic of spontaneously bleeding afros, a random Jesus cameo, a swarm of zombies (some with make-up, some who just couldn't be bothered) crashing a passion play and a Technicolor laser climax straight out of the Jacksons' "Can You Feel It?" video. Or possibly the worst Broadway musical imaginable. If anything, the ludicrous overacting and non-existent budget make this even more absurd than I've just made it sound. EL BOMBA!

The Antichrist (1974)

Dir: Alberto Martino

Laughable Italian possession story in which Carla Gravina plays a paralysed woman who curses God and winds up possessed by Satan Himself. Satan, here, talks with a ridiculous accent and in the third person, which makes him sound like a cross between a bad James Bond villain and Jar Jar Binks. He also makes Gravina spew up copious amounts of spinach soup on the maid, her family, several priests and some weird old voodoo guy who threatens her with sausages. It's possibly even more ludicrous than it sounds though distinctly less enjoyable. Snail-paced and illogical beyond belief (especially the talky scenes, in which the priests try to convince us that it's a well-established scientific fact how sexual frustration leads to demonic possession), "The Antichrist" has very little to recommend about it. Even "the notorious goat orgy" promised on the back cover of the DVD is merely a bunch of naked hippies bouncing around in a field with a goat. Avoid. EL BOMBA!