Demons 2 (1986)

Dir: Lamberto Bava

Sally (Coralina Cataldi-Tassoni) throws a party at her trendy apartment. She plays The Smiths all night, moans about how hideous her dress looks and threatens to throw her guests out at the slightest hint of a disagreement. Amazingly, she still has an awful lot of friends despite being such a massive drag. This is handy, as they make good victims for some random demons who pop out of a TV that's showing a film about events from the first film, which was in itself a film within a film. Bzzt. Whu-whu-what? If you can deal with the brain-warping lack of logic or reason, there are some gooey rubbery FX treats to be found here but not a lot else. Despite having almost identical characters/structure/plot, "Demons 2" just isn't a patch on the first film. It's a moodier affair, with far more subdued lighting, a lot less gore and goth hits from the 80s in place of the original's rowdier heavy metal. This could be more effective perhaps if the film wasn't so silly but the mix of ANY restraint whatsoever with such a ludicrous plot is ill-advised and much lowers the fun level. It's worth a look for one or two very cool scenes (one of a demon boy giving birth (!?) to a winged demon child is just jaw-dropping) but not a classic like the first. **1/2

Howl of the Devil (1987)

Dir: Paul Naschy

Paul Naschy (who also writes, produces and directs this) plays a pair of brothers, Alex and Hector Doriani. Alex is a B-Movie horror actor. Hector is a serious thespian. They hate each other but when Alex dies, his son Adrian (played by Naschy's own son) is placed into Hector's care. Hector beats the boy, abuses the servants and has a habit of abducting and drugging prostitutes for his weird sex games, so Adrian (understandably) retreats into a world of fantasy based on the characters played by his late father. This turbo-paced movie plays a little like an overheated, X-rated Spanish soap opera on fast-forward but with the mind-boggling bonus of Paul Naschy playing no fewer than 12 roles. Besides Alex and Hector, he is also Rasputin, Quasimodo, Bluebeard, Frankenstein's Monster, Fu Manchu, The Phantom of the Opera, Mr Hyde, his own wolfman creation Waldermar Daninsky (in one of the film's rare moments of poignancy), a mummy/zombie and, ultimately, Satan. On one hand "Howl of the Devil" is a glorious mess; a feverish kaleidoscope of misogynistic shouting, gratuitous nudity and ever-increasing absurdity. On the other, taken as part of Naschy's oeuvre, it's a heartfelt love letter to the artform he mastered and a furious lashing-out at the audience who rejected his genius. There's even political allegory in there; a disparaging of both tyrannical government (bear in mind Naschy's career began under General Franco's regime) and the Catholic church. What's weirdest is that, if you take out the fact that no one would/could ever behave like any of these characters do, the story - within its own universe - actually makes sense and has a really good twist. This kind of intensely personal cinema is rarely so entertaining as it is here and "Howl of the Devil" has the added bonus of watching Naschy - for perhaps the only time - completely off leash and wildly indulging every B-Movie fantasy he's ever had. For those who appreciate his genius, this is stuff that will really raise the goosebumps. Why this has never had a proper DVD release is beyond me. ***1/2

The Killer Reserved Nine Seats (1974)

Dir: Giuseppe Bennati

Incomprehensible giallo which tries to blend as many subgenres as possible in order to achieve an optimum level of confusion for the viewer. It starts out as a kind of drawing room mystery. Ten rich assholes who hate each other congregrate in a theatre that's been abandoned for a hundred years after a series of unsolved murders. They're picked off one by one by a black-gloved killer in what appears to be a Harpo Marx mask (!) but there's also a gothic element in play here; hidden doors in the wall, family curses, candlelit corridors and torrid melodrama (even a little incest!). To cap things off, they start hearing voices that can't be recorded on tape and seeing a strange man who materialises (and disappears as quickly) in random places to spout nonsense. This all leads to a bizarre, almost Fulci-esque conclusion in a hidden labyrinth beneath the theatre. The sets are great, there's one particularly shocking death scene and it's all peppered with copious nudity but Bennati's offbeat direction is too scattershot to pull it all together. Ultimately, the slipshod way in which the film tosses aside even its own internal logic in favour of twisting the meagre plot further towards obscurity wrecks what could've been a far better movie. File under "obscure and interesting curio" instead. **

Devil's Nightmare (1971)

Dir: Jean Brismée

Dated gothic chiller in which a group of seven tourists find themselves careening around the candlelit corridors of a creepy castle at the mercy of a sultry succubus (Erika Blanc, in various states of undress). As cool as that sounds, there's not much to rave about in "Devil's Nightmare". The plotting is slow, the murders are kinda hokey (although I have to admit, the "drowning in gold glitter" one is flamboyant and original enough to warrant mention!) and the touted-all-over-the-sleeve lesbian sex scene is not as exciting as several overheated IMDB reviewers would have you believe. There's the odd touch of class here and there (each of the seven tourists represents one of the Deadly Sins if you're paying attention) and the atmosphere is nice but it's mostly quite dull, uneventful stuff. If you're going to watch it for anything, Daniel Emilfork's super-spooky turn as Satan is the best bit but otherwise this is a time-filler at best. **

The Scorpion With Two Tails (1982)

Dir: Sergio Martino

This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *

Baron Blood (1972)

Dir: Mario Bava

Sumptuous gothic horror in which cocky young upstart Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) flies out to Vienna to visit the castle of a long-dead distant ancestor... All sounds fine and dandy and like a setup for a nice tea party until you find out said ancestor was known around the village as Baron Blood and had a penchant for impaling people on spikes and hanging them from his castle ramparts. But wait! It gets worse because Peter's got an ancient parchment that can raise the Baron from the dead as a result of some convoluted witch's curse or other and... well, you know the rest, I'm sure. The script is pretty generic and predictable but master stylist Bava brings it to life with his usual array of dizzying camera work, phenomenal lighting and Escher-like set design. It helps that the dazzling Elke Sommer gets to show off about sixteen different designer outfits, but mostly this film is worth watching for the 'classic' horror atmosphere, all cobwebs and skulls, clanging bells, thunderstorms, flickering candles and creepy secret passageways. You just want to turn all the lights off and watch it alone on a rainy night with a goblet of blood (legal note: red wine is also available). It's simple but effective; a lovely old-fashioned movie and they really don't make them like this any more. **1/2

Death Smiles At Murder (1973)

Dir: Aristide Massaccesi (aka Joe D'Amato)

Notable for being the only film directed by Joe D'Amato in which he used his real name on the director's credit, this one is, in his own words, "special". It's a gothic period piece and the stunning Ewa Aulin plays a girl whose memory disappears after her horse-drawn carriage crashes in front of a rich couple's mansion. From there, the plot spins off in several directions that take in the usual D'Amato themes of necrophilia, obsession and violent death, with a little bit of "Mad Science With Klaus Kinski" thrown in for good measure. Perhaps mismarketed as some kind of giallo, this bears far more relation to dreamy, abstract pieces like "Lisa & The Devil" or "La Vampire Nue". It doesn't make a lot of sense on first viewing but there's a feeling encouraged by the film's fervour that, beneath the madness and the leaden pacing, are the seeds of a brilliant, serious vision that perhaps D'Amato never got chance to fully realise as his career became ever less adventurous. Beautifully shot and loaded with bizarre imagery, this may not be his most watchable film but it's undoubtedly his most ambitious and the one to show to non-believers who doubt his artistry. ***

Witchery (1988)

Dir: Fabrizio Laurenti

(aka Ghosthouse 2, La Casa 4, Witchcraft)

Ropey late-80s Italian chiller in which a sexy virgin (Leslie Cumming, whose tragically short film career consists of just this and the even worse "Zombie 5 : Killing Birds") gets trapped on a haunted island with a witch, a pregnant girl (Linda Blair!), a rich old couple, some creepy real estate agents, a kid with the most annoying voice EVER and... (wait for it)... David Hasselhoff. What the Hoff was doing in this is beyond me but it marks either the high or the low point of his career, depending on how you judge things. There are many dubious aspects of "Witchery" - it's slow, badly acted, cheaply made and not entirely logical - but I have a soft spot for the sheer weirdness level. The gore FX are nasty and imaginative, it almost manages to be spooky at times and there are a few trippy, messed-up ideas buried beneath the more obvious ones (ie: while it's no surprise that Linda Blair's character gets possessed, it certainly feels new when she hallucinates two witches roasting a foetus on an open fire!). I'd never try to say this was a GOOD movie but it's easily watchable B-Grade fodder and there's much worse out there. **

The Night Child (1975)

Dir: Massimo Dallamano

(aka The Cursed Medallion, Perche?!)

This low-key Italian chiller tells the story of Emily (Nicoletta Elmi), a young girl whose documentary-making father (Richard Johnson) is working on a piece about "diabolical art". Intrigued by a photograph of a rare painting, he drags Emily and her nanny to Italy for a look at the ghastly thing (a Bosch-like panorama of demons, crazy-eyed peasants and women on fire) up close. Needless to say, there's a curse involved and Emily finds herself at the centre of it, exhibiting increasingly weird and violent behaviour as the family spiral towards certain doom. Lavishly photographed in opulent locations and punctuated by a delicate musical score, The Night Child is Dallamano's take on the "classic" ghost story model and it holds up beautifully next to the best of 'em. Nicoletta Elmi, in a rare lead role, gives it her all and turns in a creepy, show-stealing performance. The pacing takes a little patience and the characters could maybe use some fleshing-out but it's worth the wait for the bleak and heartbreaking finalé. A subtle, serious horror film. ***1/2

The Shrine (2010)

Dir: Jon Knautz

A bonehead journalist drags her photographer boyfriend (who could do a whole lot better, all things considered) and her cannon fodder intern on an unsanctioned trip to Poland. They try (badly) to track down a number of American backpackers who've gone missing but instead find a spooky cloud of fog in the forests, a bleach-blonde gym-rat farmer who LOVES TO SHOUT and a statue of the Devil with eyes that cry blood! Yeah! Now we're talking. The Shrine is above average for this kind of horror as it takes a couple of risks - from the three significant tonal shifts in the film to the fact that there's a whole 15 minute section with dialogue entirely in unsubtitled Polish - and they pay off for the most part. The photography is that horrible washed-out blue that's a touchstone for "HORROR!" nowadays but otherwise, this is a zippy, gory little B-feature that'll pass the time on a lazy afternoon. **1/2

Saint (2010)

Dir: Dick Maas

Super-stylish Dutch Christmas horror in which Saint Nicholas turns out to be a zombie bastard with an army of black orc slaves who kill indiscriminately, steal children and ship them off to Spain in giant flying ships. No, really. I'm not making this up. Worse still, this is loosely based on a real Dutch Christmas story. Still, in this film, it's up to the obligatory rebel teenager and an alcoholic cop-on-the-edge to save the day. There's not much in the way of surprises once you've digested the premise but the film's absolutely beautiful to look at, the prosthetic gore FX are squishy, plentiful and effective, and the monster designs are pretty cool. It can never quite decide how serious it wants to be (the rooftop horse chase scene is particularly hilarious) but I'd say go into this one for the yuks and you won't be disappointed. Definitely one of the better Christmas horrors. ***

The Violent Kind (2010)

Dir: The Butcher Brothers

The Butcher Brothers have another crack at genre-hopping horror in a similar vein to their earlier effort, "The Hamiltons". Again, we're faced with a slightly lopsided family; in this case a group of bikers who go up to their isolated cabin in the woods for a party and wind up staying overnight when their engines stop working. This leads to, at first, a kind of "Sons of Anarchy" meets "The Evil Dead" type affair but soon takes a turn for the seriously weird. I won't spoil it because I quite enjoyed watching it unfold without having any idea what was going to happen and, for that, I've got to give them credit. Arguably, "The Violent Kind" bites off a little more than it can chew by throwing so many elements into the mix but the script and performances are all pretty strong and I do gives points for originality. **1/2

Inferno (1980)

Dir: Dario Argento

Beautifully barmy, this gothic horror from Argento's halcyon period is definitely his most abstract and Bava-esque creation (unsurprisingly since Bava worked, uncredited, on the set design). There's a story in there somewhere about the architect who built the houses for The Three Mothers (the demonic witches from Suspiria) and some keys that must be found are an adequate MacGuffin to drag a group of characters through a whirlwind of surreal, violent imagery. The script's approach to matters magical and esoteric is surprisingly perceptive but it's less effective when it comes to linear storytelling. Looking better than ever on Blu Ray, I feel the only way to properly digest Inferno is to detach it from reality and just go with it. It's not a film for everyone but it is a fascinating and unique entry into Argento's oeuvre. ***

Lemora : A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973)

Dir: Richard Blackburn

I am so pleased this has finally been given a (fantastic) DVD release, courtesy of Synapse Films. It's one of my all-time favourites, for sure. Panned upon its initial release and "lost" for years, this micro-budget creepfest is a must-see for anyone who likes atmospheric, surreal horror and is worth the cash just for the late Cheryl Smith, who gives her finest performance as Lila Lee, The Singin' Angel. If David Lynch wasn't influenced by the weirdness of this pale-faced behind-the-curtain nightmare world that Lila plunges into, I'd be astonished. Lesley Gilb, as the titular Lemora, also gives a tour-de-force performance (and doesn't appear to blink once!). The feel of the film is very much like another one-off classic, "Carnival of Souls" (director Blackburn, like "Carnival"'s Herk Harvey, never made another film) and, if you like that one, please seek this out. I honestly can't extol its virtue enough. It's a truly beautiful, lyrical horror film that's really hard to put out of your mind once you've seen it. ****

Lady of the Lake (1998)

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

This early Maurice Devereaux film failed to live up to the expectations I had from watching his later ones. It's an unfair comparison since he'd obviously had more time to practice and presumably more money for those but still... This tale of a drowned gypsy girl who seeks vengeance as a demon is convoluted to the point of incoherence by some really weird details (ie: her suitor is a knight but not quite - he's actually a carnival performer who pretends to be a knight and, boy, does he pretend). A shame because there's some beautiful photography (even if they overdid it severely on the underwater shots) and it's quite nicely made. It's just all painfully silly despite trying so hard for a dark, atmospheric tone. Perhaps if I'd caught this randomly on late night TV, I'd've had a different reaction and enjoyed it for its unintentional goofiness (ie: zombie knight fights, monsters with dental fillings, amazingly corny green-screen backdrops of fire and lightning, hellacious bad guy overacting, squirty gore galore, endless nudity) but I dunno. I guess I wanted something better. *1/2

End of the Line (2007)

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

I wouldn't want to speak too soon having only seen two of his films but I'm fast becoming convinced that Canadian director Maurice Devereaux is one of the leading lights of the horror genre right now. "End of the Line" is wonderful. The twisty-turny plot concerns a group of travelers on a subway train, trapped underground with a crazed doomsday cult who believe the apocalypse is occurring above them. This skillfully uses conventions of survival horror while at the same time offering something new and exciting that's as creepy as it is gory. My one small complaint with the script is that the ending (although still unsettling) is given away far too early and I'd've probably had my mind completely blown beyond repair if I hadn't seen it coming. But this is a small price to pay for all the wonderful roving long takes, the finger-chewing tension, the chilling atmosphere, the unflinching gore and the above-average characterisation. I wish all indie horror was this inventive, disturbing and brilliant. Kinda reminds me of the buzz I got the first time I watched "The Descent". ***1/2

Children of the Corn 3 : Urban Harvest (1995)

Dir: James D.R. Hickox

Two country boys - creepy little jerk Eli and loveable lummox Joshua - get fostered by a nice middle-class family in Chicago and bring with them the unspeakable horrors of Gatlin, which you may remember from the original Stephen King story. There's not much else to connect it, mind. All Hell breaks loose, quite literally, in this one and it all goes completely batshit in the final reel, veering into the realms of zombie scarecrows and gigantic slime monsters. But these things? I like! A threequel that's actually the best in the series, "Urban Harvest" is a solid supernatural horror with a strong script, some mad ideas, a tremendous amount of gore and wicked prosthetics courtesy of Screaming Mad George. If you only watch one "Children of the Corn" movie, make it this one, basically. ***

Freddy vs Jason (2003)

Dir: Ronny Yu

I'd almost recommend that you get yourself a copy of this film just so that, if you're feeling a bit jaded about horror and the direction it's taken, you can pull this wretched crap off the shelf and remember... THINGS HAVE BEEN WORSE. This coked-up abortion is an almost perfect checklist of everything wrong with the genre. An undeniable nadir. There's the total incoherence of a plot that appears to have been written by a six-year-old ("hey, so like, Freddy has lost his powers 'cos people have forgotten who he is (!) so he, like, goes into, uh, Hell, and, like, totally asks Jason to kill some kids for him"). There's the muddled tone that flies from dark and spiteful to corny slapstick so fast that it goes beyond stupid and hits downright tasteless. There's the horrible ultra-stylised rock video aesthetic that makes it so unrealistic and ugly that it's hard to even pay attention for more than 30 seconds at a time. There's the jaw-droppingly bad, 15+ minute "fight" sequence at the end (think CGI wrestling match set to bad nu-metal). It all combines to give you feeling a little like being lobotomised by mad children. Yeah, this is officially the worst film I've ever seen. I said it and I'm not taking it back.

Hansel & Gretel (2007)

Dir: Pil-Sung Yim

This surreal Korean spookfest starts off with a dude crashing his car and waking up in a forest. He is led through the trees by a young girl who takes him to The House of Happy Children, a building in the woods where three kids live with their parents and an inordinate number of toys. Before you can yell "Dude, look out! Those kids are creepy as balls!" he works it out for himself and tries to leave. However, no matter how far he walks away from the house, he is unable to leave and keeps returning... The film doesn't work completely - there are one or two minor holes and, at 2 hours, it's waaaaaay too long - but it's got a strong concept, wonderful set design, a lot of atmosphere and quite an emotionally affecting reveal when the mystery of the house is finally made apparent. A solid scary movie. **1/2

Open Graves (2009)

Dir: Álvaro de Armiñán

Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.