Howl of the Devil (1987)

Dir: Paul Naschy

Paul Naschy (who also writes, produces and directs this) plays a pair of brothers, Alex and Hector Doriani. Alex is a B-Movie horror actor. Hector is a serious thespian. They hate each other but when Alex dies, his son Adrian (played by Naschy's own son) is placed into Hector's care. Hector beats the boy, abuses the servants and has a habit of abducting and drugging prostitutes for his weird sex games, so Adrian (understandably) retreats into a world of fantasy based on the characters played by his late father. This turbo-paced movie plays a little like an overheated, X-rated Spanish soap opera on fast-forward but with the mind-boggling bonus of Paul Naschy playing no fewer than 12 roles. Besides Alex and Hector, he is also Rasputin, Quasimodo, Bluebeard, Frankenstein's Monster, Fu Manchu, The Phantom of the Opera, Mr Hyde, his own wolfman creation Waldermar Daninsky (in one of the film's rare moments of poignancy), a mummy/zombie and, ultimately, Satan. On one hand "Howl of the Devil" is a glorious mess; a feverish kaleidoscope of misogynistic shouting, gratuitous nudity and ever-increasing absurdity. On the other, taken as part of Naschy's oeuvre, it's a heartfelt love letter to the artform he mastered and a furious lashing-out at the audience who rejected his genius. There's even political allegory in there; a disparaging of both tyrannical government (bear in mind Naschy's career began under General Franco's regime) and the Catholic church. What's weirdest is that, if you take out the fact that no one would/could ever behave like any of these characters do, the story - within its own universe - actually makes sense and has a really good twist. This kind of intensely personal cinema is rarely so entertaining as it is here and "Howl of the Devil" has the added bonus of watching Naschy - for perhaps the only time - completely off leash and wildly indulging every B-Movie fantasy he's ever had. For those who appreciate his genius, this is stuff that will really raise the goosebumps. Why this has never had a proper DVD release is beyond me. ***1/2

Alucarda (1978)

Dir: Juan López Moctezuma

Batshit crazy Mexican horror that had me muttering "they don't make 'em like this any more" at the screen more than just about anything else I've ever seen. An innocent orphan named Justine (of COURSE she's named Justine!), who looks a bit like a young Carol Vorderman only more naked, enters a bizarre convent that seems to have been built inside a cave. It's covered in dangling Christ statues and candles, the nuns all dress in bloodied bandages and flagellate frequently, so it's really no surprise when fanaticism leads to lesbianism leads to Satanism leads to the dark side, etc... It is, however, a surprise when you throw in a bunch of vampirism, zombie nuns, blood rain, nuns on fire and goat-faced demons. Words can't describe how hysterical much of Alucarda is. It finally delivers on the promise of so many "all sizzle, no steak" nunsploitation films of its era. The truly insane gypsy black mass sequence alone wipes the floor with much of the subgenre. If you like 70s occult/psychedelic imagery, you'll find very little that will quell the hunger like this one. A lost classic. Just don't expect it to actually make sense (the film's only real flaw) and you'll love it! ***1/2

Wicked Little Things (2006)

Dir: J.S. Cardone

Veteran horror director Cardone hands over a workmanlike zombie flick that trundles along competently without ever offering anything above the strictly average. Lori Heuring, Scout Taylor-Compton and Chloe Moretz all do their best with what they've got, playing a mother and her two daughters. They move to a creepy house they've inherited somewhere up in the woods and live happily ever with their new real estate that soon increases in value. No, I'm kidding. It all goes horribly wrong. A bunch of kids who got buried in a 19th Century coal mining accident haunt the place, bashing in people's heads with pick-axes, eating livestock and generally doing stuff that creepy ghost/zombie kids might do. It's not a terrible film but it is so generic and loaded with familiar tropes and clichés that you'll struggle to pay attention for the full 90 minutes. The decent cast is kind of wasted on the material and the zombie kids look a bit too silly to ever really scare. *1/2

Beyond Reanimator (2003)

Dir: Brian Yuzna

Lacklustre threequel that fails to live up to its predecessors. Jeffrey Combs is back as Herbert West but this time he's in prison. The clink doc, Howard Phillips (GROAN), enlists West to help in the clinic but his ulterior motive is to produce more of West's "re-agent", the secret formula that brings back the dead. Before long, zombies abound and the traditionally splattery mayhem ensues. Unfortunately, there's something missing. Although we get everything from twitching, rat-bothering severed penises to eyeballs running around of their own volition, the "shock and awe" of the first film's insane gore is missing. Instead, the mix of comedy and brutality just jars and feels somehow gross (in the bad way) and yet very, very dull. The fact that they use endlessly convoluted pseudo-science to justify what's basically a retread of the first two films just makes it all the more tedious. The prosthetic work by Screaming Mad George is technically excellent and Elsa Pataky is always a pleasure but otherwise, there's not much here. *1/2

Zombeak! (2006)

Dir: Sam Drog

This killer "chick" flick's as low-budget as they come but there's an endearing enthusiasm to it that almost helps it fly (no pun intended). Some Satanists are trying to bring about the coming of the Devil but they get interrupted by local rednecks out to kick evil's ass. As a result, it all goes cock-eyed (no pun intended) and the Devil winds up in the body of a sacrificed chicken. This lively and inventive premise is enriched by some very funny dialogue ("This blasphemy! It's like razors in my brain!") in the first half but sadly loses its way a little when the gore kicks in. The chicken puppet itself is great fun at but most of the splattery stuff is very, very bad CGI. It's a shame because, in a film like this one, the red stuff has to be the pay-off and here it's woefully lacking. I'm sure there are legitimate budgetary reasons for using CGI but I can't begin to imagine how a few Super-Soakers full of corn syrup would cost more? Still, there are way worse movies out there. At least this has some cool ideas and a cast who seem to be having a ball with it. **

Killing Spree (1986)

Dir: Tim Ritter

Classic trash from the early age of the straight-to-video shocker. It's easy to take "Killing Spree" for granted nowadays since it spawned a legion of no-budget imitators that continue to pollute the shelves to this day but there's a charm to this that endures. The marvellously-named Asbestos Felt plays Tom Russo, a working stiff who snaps under the dual pressures of his dead-end job and his wife who appears to be screwing up to three handymen a day. Unfortunately for Tom, the victims of his titular spree are coming back to life faster than he can kill them... Splatter ensues. The film's got a fun DIY ethic and, considering the now-unimaginable constraints these guys were working under, it's amazing they made anything watchable at all, let alone something as entertaining as Killing Spree. While slow to start and roughly made at times, the cast is charismatic and it's hard to not get some joy from the outrageous dialogue ("You screw my wife, I screwdrive your head!" / "Take your pink faggot hat, you stupid country motherfucker!") or inventively gross-out gore FX. **1/2

Machine Head (2000)

Dir: Michael Patrick Leonard Murphy (I think?)

Ultra-obscure weirdness that got released in the UK with the worst quality DVD transfer imaginable. It looks like a straight copy from a 3rd generation VHS tape that the cat sicked up on, which is a shame as the movie deserves better. In true Frankenstylee, a nerd brings a corpse back to life by attaching a lawnmower motor to its head and doing science (reversal of polarity, bouncing graviton particle beams or some other such made-up shit). This leads to a RAMPAGE! The script is surprisingly witty and poignant given the subject matter and, while it's clearly an el cheapo production, the editing and photography indicate the director at least went to film school. Some crowd scenes and impressive looking pyro also make the most of budgetary constraints. In fact, predictable storyline and some questionable acting aside, I found it hard not to warm to this. It's got heart. Even if that heart runs on petrol. Shame no one involved (seemingly) ever did anything again as it could've been the start of some beautiful careers. **1/2

Platoon of the Dead (2009)

Dir: John Bowker

I probably shouldn't like this one as much as I did. It's definitely the lowest-budget film I've ever seen. In fact, I'd hesitate to call it a film. It feels more like some guy's home movie. There's some terribly cheap CGI in it and a fair bit of questionable acting from what I can only guess are the director's friends. HOWEVER, what it does have is heart and lots of it. It feels much like the early No Rules straight-to-video splatter gems like the "Video Violence" films or Tim Ritter's serial killer stuff. The story is set in a near-future where the "army" are fighting zombies with toy laser guns (!). A platoon gets ambushed and killed, leaving just three mismatched semi-competent goobers alive. In fear for their lives, they find a house in the woods where a group of women are hiding out from the undead. I won't say any more but the plot gets surprisingly weird from there and has a fair few enjoyable twists and ideas in it. A perfect Sunday morning hangover movie; its unchallenging, freewheelin' approach makes it fun and easy viewing. **1/2

I Sell The Dead (2008)

Dir: Glenn McQuaid

Wildly inventive period piece in which two grave robbers boost their trade by supplying a more exotic product. Sadly, once they start exhuming the corpses of vampires, zombies and aliens (!), this attracts the attention of some very unsavoury local characters. Building up slowly, this one goes from the sublime to the ridiculous quite effortlessly and while it could maybe do with a little polishing, there are enough outlandish ideas, hilarious one-liners and Abbot & Costello style japery to ensure a good time is had by all. Dominic Monaghan and Larry Fessenden make a formidable double-act and their arch-nemeses, the Murphys provide the missing link you never knew existed between Charles Dickens and Quentin Tarantino characters. A strong debut. More like this one, thanks. ***

Dance of the Dead (2008)

Dir: Gregg Bishop

A troupe of goons from the high school sci-fi society inadvertently unleash the undead on prom night. Townsfolk turn into walking wormfood quicker than you can say “they’re coming to get you, Barbara”, so it’s left to the nerds goons to save the prom, kick zombie ass and change from boys into men while they’re at it. This rapid-fire splatterfest blends surprisingly sharp John Hughes-style comedy with a phenomenal level of gore and action. There’s little that’s new or original about it (except perhaps the zombie dissection frogs from the science lab) but it’s a great example of how to stay simple yet effective. The zombies show up pretty much immediately and, from that point on, there’s barely even time to grab a beer or open a bag of chips until the next spine is yanked out, the next arm ripped off or the next brain eaten. “Dance of the Dead” is a riot. See it. ***1/2

Flight of the Living Dead (2007)

Dir: Scott Thomas

Sigh. How hard can it be? Zombies. On a plane. It's almost a pre-written recipe for success. Just point the camera and go. How the fuck could you be so fucking talent-barren and stupid to fuck that one up!? I don't get it. I really don't get it, but this is one of the WORST FILMS I'VE EVER SEEN. Not even in a nice way, or a kitschy way. This is just a sad, acutely cynical money-making exercise. No thought or effort seems to have put in. The characters - even for stock stereotypes - are inconsistent, the layout of the 'set' is ridiculous, the photography's appalling, there are logic holes in the script that you could FLY a Goddamn plane through, it's painfully slow, the gore is largely CGI (bad CGI at that) and, by CHRIST, how could you screw this up!? It doesn't have to be hard. ZOMBIES on a motherfucking plane, people. Jesus. There's no hope.

Return of the Living Dead: Rave To The Grave (2005)

Dir: Ellory Elkayem

The surviving teens from "Necropolis" find themselves once more in the gooey grasp of a zombie outbreak. This time, opportunistic science geek Cody (Cory Hardrict) extracts some kind of trioxin essence from the ubiquitous zombie barrels and turns it (in pill form) to 'Z', a hip new designer drug that's sweeping the college campus. Sadly, a side-effect of taking 'Z' is that one soon develops a taste for human brains. This causes much fun at the Halloween rave party ... The script is a little bit flakey now and again, but everything else is solid. Nice visuals, strong direction, an enjoyable cast and wicked special FX. Whilst not as relentless as "Necropolis", "Rave To The Grave" is a much funnier film, with its tongue so far in its cheek, it's poking out the other side and licking the eyeball of the guy next to it. The gore here is outrageous; we get decapitation by electric guitar, drumsticks through the eyes and (best of all) bum-biting zombies attacking the posteriors of a cheerleader human pyramid. Win. ***

Return of the Living Dead: Necropolis (2005)

Dir: Ellory Elkayem

Unexpectedly superb masterclass in how to make a no-nonsense, hi-octane zombie flick comes from the director of "Eight-Legged Freaks". "Necropolis" sees the trioxin barrels from the first three films causing havoc once more as a shady pharmaceuticals company unleashes the zombie gas on all and sundry, in the name of world domination. A group of (surprisingly) likeable teens get caught in the splattery crossfire and have to save the day against the undead hordes. We get everything that's good here; bio-zombies with gatling gun arms, chewy bouncing brains, spraying headwounds galore, big tanks, children with flamethrowers and ubercute Aimee-lynn Chadwick running around in pigtails. It's fast-paced, often very funny and, at times, even a little tense. It's nice to see an old-fashioned, reasonable budget approach to zombies and this is the most fun I've had in front of a TV for awhile now. Dare I say, I even found myself screaming things like, "Stick 'im, Becky!" at the screen? ***1/2

Nightmare City (1980)

Dir: Umberto Lenzi

Truly atrocious Italian zombie fare that hits new lows even for a subgenre reknowned for them. I love, say, Fulci's trash as much as the next guy but Lenzi's shot at the formula is nothing short of embarrassing. A winged Trojan horse full of zombies arrives at a city airport in the form of an unmarked plane. They burst out, running, jumping and using weapons to trash their rather too athletic way through the population. The zombies just look like people in mud packs; their faces are made-up but not their necks or arms, although these other things are visible beneath their cheap shirts and dodgy cardigans. They move way too fast (I HATE running zombies - HATE HATE HATE) and there's just no story or characters or, well, anything to tie together all the scenes of incoherent, barely watchable mayhem. Attempts are made to intersperse the dime store gore with Mel Ferrer camping about in an army uniform, but this is not of interest to the sane. The ending - an unapologetic "it was just a dream" scam - should be illegal. Dull, dull, dull. EL BOMBA!

Dellamore Dellamore (1994)

Dir: Michele Soavi

Absurdist horror stuck somewhere between genius and madness, this one involves a cemetery keeper called Francisco Dellamorte (Rupert Everett, in a genuine star turn) who (along with his assistant, Gnaghi) handles the nasty business of disposing of returners - dead people who come back to life a week after being buried. The film crosses the genres skillfully, weaving goofball splatter with stony-faced nuggets of philosophy and even a smattering of romance into its artfully surreal tapestry. Taken scene by scene, this is a beautiful piece of work. The photography is magnificent, the direction assured, the dialogue fantastic. It's perhaps too abstract to work entirely as a whole but it has admirable ambitions and, if you're looking for something different, you really can't get much weirder than this one. ***1/2

Prison of the Dead (2000)

Dir: Victoria Sloan (aka David DeCoteau)

"Prison of the Dead" is a must for anyone who genuinely won't accept that there are movies out there that make all the quintessential 'turkeys' and 'razzies' in the world seem like Ingmar Bergman by comparion. This one appears to have been written and performed in the space of a night, with everyone high on crystal meth. It makes not a lick of sense. I'm not even sure where to begin with explaining the plot. A college kid (Patrick Flood - who has no neck!) fakes his own funeral to lure his mates into a haunted prison that, apparently, housed witches. They arse about with a ouija board and a bunch of glowing-eyed freaks pop out the ground to slash them up with spades, knives and what appears to be a giant toilet brush. All of this makes it sound better than it actually is. What could've been a great little B flick if they'd just kept it simple gets bogged down in unnecessary convolution. By about an hour in, it's not clear in the slightest why anyone's doing anything they're doing or even who is whom. Even if you're watching this for a cheap laugh, I defy you to be fully awake by the time the completely forgettable ending crawls onscreen. In fact, here's a test: if you've seen it, how does it end? EL BOMBA!

Punk Rock Holocaust (2004)

Dir: Doug Sakmann

It's the Vans Warped Tour 2003. Less Than Jake tell a story by the fireside about the worst band ever to play the tour. They were called Brutal Enigma and "they weren't even punk rock; they were industrial or synthpop or some shit". They got kicked off the tour and no one ever heard from them again. Now, a masked killer is picking off bands and fans en masse. Could there be a connection? Could there also somehow be an even more fiendish plot at hand, involving zombies, supernatural powers and Satan Himself (who may or may not be played by Lloyd Kaufman)? Indeed there could. I warn you now; this film is utterly mindless. It's made for about a dollar, horribly shot on video with hyperactive editing and a high level of stupidity. On the other hand, it's great fun if you like punk rock and splatter. Not only are there some gloriously inventive death scenes (the way in which Bowling For Soup meet their unfortunate end is a work of genius) and a relentless triple-figure body count (hardcore gore approxmiately every two minutes) but also a ton of killer tunes from the likes of Rancid and Tsunami Bomb, and sense of demented fun that feels entirely sincere. As if this wasn't enough, there's also a certain guilty pleasure in watching rubbish bands like Simple Plan and The Used die horribly. The moment in which Andrew WK gets electrocuted onstage is a Godsend that should've happened long ago. But yeah, "Punk Rock Holocaust" requires a lot of beer, your brain in a jar and a love of good obnoxious music to fully work, but what can I say? This is clearly my puerile idea of a fun time. ***

Dark Devil

Dir: Denchat Rakyart

A Thai village is terrorised by a black magician who specialises in killing women and then bringing them back to life as subserviant undead housewives. This is an appealing prospect to various village sleazeballs who enlist the conjurer's help in enslaving their respective crushes. But never fear; all this misogynist villainy is thwarted by a pair of righteous Buddhist monks, who use karma and dharma to kick evil's ass! RIGHTEOUS, DUDES! This is a very strange film indeed; it plays like a public access rural soap opera (shot on camcorder, bright pastel colours everywhere, tranquil muzak, inane villager chatter ad nauseam) and then every now and again it feels as though someone has mischievously superimposed a bunch of CGI ghouls and gore over the top. If it wasn't so damn weird (made even weirder by the excruciating 'Engrish' subtitles on the R3 DVD), this would probably be unwatchable. It's essentially one 80-minute-long advert for Buddhism, but its combination of the unpredictable and the banal keeps it oddly engaging (for all the wrong reasons) on a first viewing. The ending has to be seen to be believed and, while I don't wish to ruin it for you, I can tell you it involves giant spectral cows fighting with lightning bolts in the sky. Oh yes. Also essential viewing for anyone amused by seemingly endless scenes in which Thai goofballs vomit up rusty nails, scorpions and, at one point, swords. EL BOMBA!

Death Train (2005)

Dir: Kazuyuki Sakamoto

Surreal Hideshi Hino story about three schoolgirls who catch a train to the local amusement park. The train crashes but the girls survive, only to find that little parts of their surroundings seem to be coming apart at the seams. Strangers live in their houses, pretending to be family. Mother sneaks into the bedroom at night with no head. Armies of zombies prowl the streets. Dismembered corpses come to life. 50-foot ghost girls stomp around behind the buildings. That sort of thing. The girls must (naturally) use their wits to escape this hallucinatory Hell-world but, sadly, this is done so slowly and aimlessly that any strange or interesting ideas the film has get left behind to drown in a big puddle of pointlessness. The sort-of 'twist' in the tale is apparent from about ten minutes in. It's all well-directed and acted, the gore is nicely done and I appreciate the characteristic weirdness of Hino's imagination but ultimately, "Death Train" is an atrociously-paced movie that left me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. *1/2

The Boy From Hell (2005)

Dir: Mari Asato

A demented Japanese gore film, based on a manga by the ever-crazy Hideshi Hino, tells the twisted story of a doctor (Mirai Yamamoto) who loses her son in a car accident (he is decapitated by a passing lorry while leaning out the window!). On the advice of a witch, she kidnaps a terminally ill child from the hospital and slits his throat with a giant fang over the grave of her own dead lad. This, of course, brings her beloved back as a hideously deformed zombie boy who develops a habit for eating his peers alive. Although loaded with inventively surreal imagery, as expected for a Hino adaptation, "The Boy From Hell" never quite takes off. It seems to strive for a blackly comic poignancy, kind of like a sick "Frankenstein" retelling, but the lack of substance (and occasionally even sense) lets it down. It's fast paced enough, with sufficient cartoon gore to hold the attention throughout some of the more derivative plot devices, but by the time it finished, I was left wondering what the point was. By Hino's standards, this is astonishingly tame too. **