Etoile (1989)

Dir: Peter Del Monte

Extremely bizarre Italian fairytale/thriller from the 80s stars Jennifer Connelly as a ballet student who flies to an unspecified European city (Budapest? Rome? Vienna? Seems to be a little of all three) to audition for some kind of Suspiria-esque school that has "get the fuck out!" written all over it. Things get weird when she becomes possessed by a long-dead ballerina, stalked by a creepy old guy (well, two creepy old guys if you include horribly miscast "handsome" lead Gary McCleery) and forced to perform in some sort of ghost version of "Swan Lake". There are some incredible ideas in "Etoile", it is filmed beautifully and the ballet backdrop is always one I appreciate in a horror film, but it's way too muddled, unstructured and incomprehensible to work. There are several annoying dead end subplots (including one with a manic, screaming Charles Durning buying and selling clocks for no discernible reason) and Connelly and McCleery's total lack of onscreen chemistry kill their scenes together but it's actually worth sitting through all the nonsense just for the truly insane final reel. I don't want to give away the twist but it's one of the most glorious "WTF!?" moments I can remember. Not a great film but wow, what an ending. For an idea as batshit outlandish as that, I'm willing to forgive a multitude of sins! **

Bloodrayne (2005)

Dir: Uwe Boll

This wildly lavish costume horror from the scrambled brain of Uwe Boll is allegedly set in 18th century Romania, although any historical or geographical accuracy is ignored with gleeful abandon. The story centres on Rayne (Kristanna Loken), a half-human/half-vampire girl who seeks vengeance upon her evil undead father (Ben Kingsley, who here resembles the Pilsbury dough boy playing a kung-fu Marquis de Sade). He, meanwhile, is after some kind of magical talisman (aren't they always?) and it all leads to one big ol' swordfight. Somehow, Boll got a budget for this nonsense. The screenplay is written by Guinevere Turner ("American Psycho", "The Notorious Betty Page"), although this doesn't stop it from being riddled with ludicrous, anachronistic trumpery. The cast is full of 'name' actors (Michelle Rodriguez, Billy Zane, Udo Kier; even Meat Loaf pops up to grope Romanian prostitutes and get his ear bitten off!) but they seem to deliver their lines on auto-pilot and often with incomprehensible accents that sound like Cockney market sellers with Downs Syndrome (a symptom of the faux-period dialogue perhaps?). In spite of all this, the film somehow managed to entertain me and I found it hard to truly dislike. It's fast-paced, full of nudity and cartoon gore by the bucketload, and it's completely without shame. It's a big colorful whirlwind of trash and it's rare nowadays to see such Z-Grade exploitation on a dangerously high budget. They even replay ALL the gore at the end in slo-mo for maximum exploitation points. As if this wasn't enough, they gave Boll regular Will Sanderson a mohawk, a horse and his own private army. This can only be a good thing. ***