Simon, King of the Witches (1971)

Dir: Bruce Kessler

This wonderfully psychedelic film begins with the titular character (played by Andrew Prine) living in a storm drain and selling occult trinkets to rich scenesters. As his status among them increases, following a couple of effective spells, so does his power. He becomes convinced that if he can just perfect this one magical working, the entire universe and all the Gods will bend to his will. "Simon" is a very interesting film with a great deal of both intelligent subtext and high camp satire. It doesn't always entirely work but that's not for lack of ambition. With its genuine grasp of matters esoteric (the screenwriter was a practicing warlock), its startling imagery and its rabid lead performance - Prine is at once charismatic, psychotic, lovable, cool, irresistible, terrifying and pathetic - there's much to love here. At times it kind of plays like a cross between "Fight Club" and the Gospel of Christ, only far funnier than either. If nothing else, you've got to give that points for originality. ***

The Black Cat (1990)

Dir: Luigi Cozzi

This oddball unofficial sequel to "Suspiria" and "Inferno" finds Cozzi going vaguely post-modern on our asses and having a pair of filmmakers try to script a "Third Mother" film to cash-in on the success of Argento's classics. However, all this attention lavished on the Mother of Tears (a whole four pages of screenplay, apparently!) is too much and she is SUMMONED! The filmmakers begin to see her glowing-eyed, maggoty visage everywhere and they start to drop dead (and/or explode!) one after the other. This should be quite a simple premise but Cozzi packs his script with an array of increasingly weird twists and turns that eventually render the film impossible to follow (especially when time and space themselves start to bend for the climax), albeit oddly entertaining. It's a kaleidoscope of crazy lighting, splattery gore (Cozzi visibly has a love for watching people explode from the inside out and, y'know what? So do I!), multi-coloured lasers, eighties haircuts and Caroline Munro in her lingerie. So yeah, it's not right, but it's okay. As usual, Cozzi's rabid enthusiasm for the genre covers up a good many problems that could punch holes in less spirited efforts. Also, this is a lot more coherent and watchable than the real "Mother of Tears" wound up being. **

Howl of the Devil (1987)

Dir: Paul Naschy

Paul Naschy (who also writes, produces and directs this) plays a pair of brothers, Alex and Hector Doriani. Alex is a B-Movie horror actor. Hector is a serious thespian. They hate each other but when Alex dies, his son Adrian (played by Naschy's own son) is placed into Hector's care. Hector beats the boy, abuses the servants and has a habit of abducting and drugging prostitutes for his weird sex games, so Adrian (understandably) retreats into a world of fantasy based on the characters played by his late father. This turbo-paced movie plays a little like an overheated, X-rated Spanish soap opera on fast-forward but with the mind-boggling bonus of Paul Naschy playing no fewer than 12 roles. Besides Alex and Hector, he is also Rasputin, Quasimodo, Bluebeard, Frankenstein's Monster, Fu Manchu, The Phantom of the Opera, Mr Hyde, his own wolfman creation Waldermar Daninsky (in one of the film's rare moments of poignancy), a mummy/zombie and, ultimately, Satan. On one hand "Howl of the Devil" is a glorious mess; a feverish kaleidoscope of misogynistic shouting, gratuitous nudity and ever-increasing absurdity. On the other, taken as part of Naschy's oeuvre, it's a heartfelt love letter to the artform he mastered and a furious lashing-out at the audience who rejected his genius. There's even political allegory in there; a disparaging of both tyrannical government (bear in mind Naschy's career began under General Franco's regime) and the Catholic church. What's weirdest is that, if you take out the fact that no one would/could ever behave like any of these characters do, the story - within its own universe - actually makes sense and has a really good twist. This kind of intensely personal cinema is rarely so entertaining as it is here and "Howl of the Devil" has the added bonus of watching Naschy - for perhaps the only time - completely off leash and wildly indulging every B-Movie fantasy he's ever had. For those who appreciate his genius, this is stuff that will really raise the goosebumps. Why this has never had a proper DVD release is beyond me. ***1/2

Black Magic Rites (1974)

Dir: Renato Polselli

(aka The Reincarnation of Isabel)

I'm not even sure where to begin with trying to explain this. There's a witch/vampire called Isabella who gets burnt at the stake in some nebulous past where everyone wears funny hats. 500 years later, a cult of old dudes in red morphsuits try to ressurect her by killing naked virgins in a castle. Maybe? It's hard to tell because half of the actors play multiple roles and, thanks to fit-inducing editing, no shot lasts for more than a second or two. There's constant fire, psychedelic lighting, whips, chains and abundant nudity from some pretty ladies, yet somehow the total lack of coherence and technical ineptitude makes this near-unwatchable. The denouement includes 3-way sex with a podgy vampire who can't stop blinking, two naked girls prodded by pensioners with sticks for what seems like forever, a hunchbacked Donald Pleasance lookalike thrown into a snake pit with only two snakes in it, and a peculiar vision of Hell that's all red lycra and girls chained to stepladders. This film was lost for decades and, watching it now, it's not hard to see why. It is like staring directly into the mind of a complete lunatic. EL BOMBA!

Alucarda (1978)

Dir: Juan López Moctezuma

Batshit crazy Mexican horror that had me muttering "they don't make 'em like this any more" at the screen more than just about anything else I've ever seen. An innocent orphan named Justine (of COURSE she's named Justine!), who looks a bit like a young Carol Vorderman only more naked, enters a bizarre convent that seems to have been built inside a cave. It's covered in dangling Christ statues and candles, the nuns all dress in bloodied bandages and flagellate frequently, so it's really no surprise when fanaticism leads to lesbianism leads to Satanism leads to the dark side, etc... It is, however, a surprise when you throw in a bunch of vampirism, zombie nuns, blood rain, nuns on fire and goat-faced demons. Words can't describe how hysterical much of Alucarda is. It finally delivers on the promise of so many "all sizzle, no steak" nunsploitation films of its era. The truly insane gypsy black mass sequence alone wipes the floor with much of the subgenre. If you like 70s occult/psychedelic imagery, you'll find very little that will quell the hunger like this one. A lost classic. Just don't expect it to actually make sense (the film's only real flaw) and you'll love it! ***1/2

Devil's Nightmare (1971)

Dir: Jean Brismée

Dated gothic chiller in which a group of seven tourists find themselves careening around the candlelit corridors of a creepy castle at the mercy of a sultry succubus (Erika Blanc, in various states of undress). As cool as that sounds, there's not much to rave about in "Devil's Nightmare". The plotting is slow, the murders are kinda hokey (although I have to admit, the "drowning in gold glitter" one is flamboyant and original enough to warrant mention!) and the touted-all-over-the-sleeve lesbian sex scene is not as exciting as several overheated IMDB reviewers would have you believe. There's the odd touch of class here and there (each of the seven tourists represents one of the Deadly Sins if you're paying attention) and the atmosphere is nice but it's mostly quite dull, uneventful stuff. If you're going to watch it for anything, Daniel Emilfork's super-spooky turn as Satan is the best bit but otherwise this is a time-filler at best. **

The Scorpion With Two Tails (1982)

Dir: Sergio Martino

This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *

Baron Blood (1972)

Dir: Mario Bava

Sumptuous gothic horror in which cocky young upstart Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) flies out to Vienna to visit the castle of a long-dead distant ancestor... All sounds fine and dandy and like a setup for a nice tea party until you find out said ancestor was known around the village as Baron Blood and had a penchant for impaling people on spikes and hanging them from his castle ramparts. But wait! It gets worse because Peter's got an ancient parchment that can raise the Baron from the dead as a result of some convoluted witch's curse or other and... well, you know the rest, I'm sure. The script is pretty generic and predictable but master stylist Bava brings it to life with his usual array of dizzying camera work, phenomenal lighting and Escher-like set design. It helps that the dazzling Elke Sommer gets to show off about sixteen different designer outfits, but mostly this film is worth watching for the 'classic' horror atmosphere, all cobwebs and skulls, clanging bells, thunderstorms, flickering candles and creepy secret passageways. You just want to turn all the lights off and watch it alone on a rainy night with a goblet of blood (legal note: red wine is also available). It's simple but effective; a lovely old-fashioned movie and they really don't make them like this any more. **1/2

The Perfume of the Lady in Black (1974)

Dir: Francesco Barilli

The delightfully named Mimsy Farmer stars as some kind of industrial scientist who starts to believe she's losing her mind after a creepy friend talks to her about witchcraft and she experiences some bizarre hallucinations. The story unfolds in the same surreal, occasionally dreamlike manner as other "women on the edge"-style gialli like "Footprints" or "All The Colors Of The Dark" and, at times, this becomes frustratingly oblique. The beautiful photography (Barilli seems to frame every shot like a painting) carries it through the most puzzling sections but almost nothing about what's going on is revealed until the very end, at which point (conveniently) the sudden, unexpected gore and nudity kicks in too. However, the ending is one Hell of a kicker and pulls it back from the brink majestically. If you manage to guess what happens, I'll be amazed. I also probably wouldn't want to run into you in a dark alley. The climax shares a sombre, nightmarish tone with some of David Lynch's work and, if you've the patience to stick with the rest of the film, you'll be richly rewarded. ***

Witchery (1988)

Dir: Fabrizio Laurenti

(aka Ghosthouse 2, La Casa 4, Witchcraft)

Ropey late-80s Italian chiller in which a sexy virgin (Leslie Cumming, whose tragically short film career consists of just this and the even worse "Zombie 5 : Killing Birds") gets trapped on a haunted island with a witch, a pregnant girl (Linda Blair!), a rich old couple, some creepy real estate agents, a kid with the most annoying voice EVER and... (wait for it)... David Hasselhoff. What the Hoff was doing in this is beyond me but it marks either the high or the low point of his career, depending on how you judge things. There are many dubious aspects of "Witchery" - it's slow, badly acted, cheaply made and not entirely logical - but I have a soft spot for the sheer weirdness level. The gore FX are nasty and imaginative, it almost manages to be spooky at times and there are a few trippy, messed-up ideas buried beneath the more obvious ones (ie: while it's no surprise that Linda Blair's character gets possessed, it certainly feels new when she hallucinates two witches roasting a foetus on an open fire!). I'd never try to say this was a GOOD movie but it's easily watchable B-Grade fodder and there's much worse out there. **

Inferno (1980)

Dir: Dario Argento

Beautifully barmy, this gothic horror from Argento's halcyon period is definitely his most abstract and Bava-esque creation (unsurprisingly since Bava worked, uncredited, on the set design). There's a story in there somewhere about the architect who built the houses for The Three Mothers (the demonic witches from Suspiria) and some keys that must be found are an adequate MacGuffin to drag a group of characters through a whirlwind of surreal, violent imagery. The script's approach to matters magical and esoteric is surprisingly perceptive but it's less effective when it comes to linear storytelling. Looking better than ever on Blu Ray, I feel the only way to properly digest Inferno is to detach it from reality and just go with it. It's not a film for everyone but it is a fascinating and unique entry into Argento's oeuvre. ***

The Good Sisters (2010)

Dir: JimmyO Burril

"The Good Sisters" tells a strange tale of two witch sisters (scream queens April Monique Burril and Debbie Rochon) living in a boarding house full of people who may or may not be out to kill them and it's a rare example of what can be achieved when small-scale indie horror takes itself seriously. While I'm sure as Hell not averse to balls-out gonzoid splatter played for yuks, it does sometimes feel as though filmmakers are writing themselves a get-out clause, lest anyone criticise their efforts ("well, we weren't taking it seriously, so nyah!"). This is why, despite its limitations and the odd flaw, "The Good Sisters" really impressed me. It has the balls to be a smart, character-driven and mostly quite sombre film even though it clearly didn't cost much to make. Writer/director Burril excels at penning good, naturalistic dialogue and the film's increasingly paranoid atmosphere lends weight to the punch that's delivered when the gore kicks in. Don't go into it expecting glossy cinematic perfection but do keep an eye on Forbidden Pictures because, if this is anything to go by, greatness is very much on the horizon for them. ***

Lady of the Lake (1998)

Dir: Maurice Devereaux

This early Maurice Devereaux film failed to live up to the expectations I had from watching his later ones. It's an unfair comparison since he'd obviously had more time to practice and presumably more money for those but still... This tale of a drowned gypsy girl who seeks vengeance as a demon is convoluted to the point of incoherence by some really weird details (ie: her suitor is a knight but not quite - he's actually a carnival performer who pretends to be a knight and, boy, does he pretend). A shame because there's some beautiful photography (even if they overdid it severely on the underwater shots) and it's quite nicely made. It's just all painfully silly despite trying so hard for a dark, atmospheric tone. Perhaps if I'd caught this randomly on late night TV, I'd've had a different reaction and enjoyed it for its unintentional goofiness (ie: zombie knight fights, monsters with dental fillings, amazingly corny green-screen backdrops of fire and lightning, hellacious bad guy overacting, squirty gore galore, endless nudity) but I dunno. I guess I wanted something better. *1/2

Open Graves (2009)

Dir: Álvaro de Armiñán

Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.

Prison of the Dead (2000)

Dir: Victoria Sloan (aka David DeCoteau)

"Prison of the Dead" is a must for anyone who genuinely won't accept that there are movies out there that make all the quintessential 'turkeys' and 'razzies' in the world seem like Ingmar Bergman by comparion. This one appears to have been written and performed in the space of a night, with everyone high on crystal meth. It makes not a lick of sense. I'm not even sure where to begin with explaining the plot. A college kid (Patrick Flood - who has no neck!) fakes his own funeral to lure his mates into a haunted prison that, apparently, housed witches. They arse about with a ouija board and a bunch of glowing-eyed freaks pop out the ground to slash them up with spades, knives and what appears to be a giant toilet brush. All of this makes it sound better than it actually is. What could've been a great little B flick if they'd just kept it simple gets bogged down in unnecessary convolution. By about an hour in, it's not clear in the slightest why anyone's doing anything they're doing or even who is whom. Even if you're watching this for a cheap laugh, I defy you to be fully awake by the time the completely forgettable ending crawls onscreen. In fact, here's a test: if you've seen it, how does it end? EL BOMBA!

The Woods (2006)

Dir: Lucky McKee

Supernatural spookfest set in a private boarding school for girls in the 1960s that doubles as a some kind of witch coven. Agnes Bruckner plays a 'rebel' girl sent there by her overbearing parents who tries to uncover the mystery of it all, while fighting off a bunch of creepy voices in her head. The first time I watched this, I found it a little confusing and disappointing after McKee’s stunning debut, “May”, but it improved no end on a repeat viewing. It’s a smart, stylish film with enough weirdness to keep you interested and a “Suspiria”-like combination of camp and creepy. Also boasts some sweet-ass old-skool style SFX work with giant killer trees and axes in heads that made me feel like the 70s never ended... in the best possible sense. Plus, Rachel Nichols, in her role as ineffectual bully Samantha, gives an oddly endearing, memorable performance. I don't know why I couldn't get on with this the first time! ***