A preposterous goody-two-shoes college girl (Melissa Sagemiller) kisses her ex (Wes Bentley) then feels so guilty that she freaks out and accidentally crashes her car, killing her current boyfriend (Casey Affleck). Heavy drama, right? But wait! It's worse! Things are no longer what they used to be. Shadowy masked figures lurk in doorways. Everyone talks cryptically about "letting go" and "finding freedom". Her best friend starts wearing goth make-up. Could it be that someone's already dead/dying? I'm not spoiling the film, honestly, because this SURPRISE TWIST is made inarguably obvious some 20 minutes in, which leaves the remaining 61 to be squandered on moralising, sentimentalising, listening to bad 90s college rock and behaving with increasing implausibility as our heroine sleepwalks her way to the inevitable, mawkish conclusion. If it's worth watching "Soul Survivors", it's purely to remind yourself that as bad as horror can be now, it was worse in the early 2000s. *
Showing posts with label 1 star. Show all posts
Showing posts with label 1 star. Show all posts
Saturday, 28 April 2012
Sunday, 8 April 2012
Thir13en Ghosts (2001)
Dir: Steve Beck
This typical early-2000s spookfest marketed to teens seesMonk Tony Shalhoub and his family inherit a crazy mechanical mansion from a wayward uncle who apparently "squandered the family's fortune" and died on a ghost hunt. Obviously (far TOO obviously), the mansion is not all it seems and, before long, there are ghosts running amok in double figures, just like the title promises. This isn't too bad a premise and the production design is pleasant, but the script is a total disaster. It tells everything in an awkward order in an effort to provide "twist" after shocking "twist" but instead just succeeds in sucking out the tension and logic from a convoluted story that was teetering on the edge of nonsense anyway. If they'd kept it simpler (and ditched at least two or three extraneous characters) this would've been better but, even then, you've got the annoying strobe lights, madcap editing and mawkish sentimental streak to deal with. Matthew Lillard and Tony Shalhoub both act well with what they're given but overall this is a pretty poor reminder of a particularly shiny-but-empty period in mainstream horror history. *
This typical early-2000s spookfest marketed to teens sees
Sunday, 11 March 2012
The Devil's Rock (2011)
Dir: Paul Campion
The screenwriters of The Devil's Rock obviously did some interesting research on both witch trials in the Channel Islands and the Nazi occupation there many years later. There's a good idea somewhere in combining these two elements and having occult-obsessed Nazis on Guernsey messing with ancient grimoire and summoning a demon. Unfortunately, no one bothered to actually learn screenwriting technique. The script is an unstructured, leaden-paced mess devoid of characterisation and crammed with clunky dialogue that's heavy on exposition, low on sounding remotely natural and never tells us anything about the two leads beyond clichéd shortcuts and signposts (ie: "here's your cue to feel sorry for this guy because he has a dead wife"). It's never a good thing when there's more meat on the bones of the skinned corpses that litter the set than there is on the actual living characters. It's a pity because the acting and the (prosthetic) special effects are both way above average for this kind of low-budget product but the fact I'm even thinking of it as "product" kind of says it all. *
The screenwriters of The Devil's Rock obviously did some interesting research on both witch trials in the Channel Islands and the Nazi occupation there many years later. There's a good idea somewhere in combining these two elements and having occult-obsessed Nazis on Guernsey messing with ancient grimoire and summoning a demon. Unfortunately, no one bothered to actually learn screenwriting technique. The script is an unstructured, leaden-paced mess devoid of characterisation and crammed with clunky dialogue that's heavy on exposition, low on sounding remotely natural and never tells us anything about the two leads beyond clichéd shortcuts and signposts (ie: "here's your cue to feel sorry for this guy because he has a dead wife"). It's never a good thing when there's more meat on the bones of the skinned corpses that litter the set than there is on the actual living characters. It's a pity because the acting and the (prosthetic) special effects are both way above average for this kind of low-budget product but the fact I'm even thinking of it as "product" kind of says it all. *
Monday, 27 February 2012
Bloodsucker Leads The Dance (1975)
Dir: Alfredo Rizzo
This naff gothic potboiler finds a troupe of buxom actresses and their downtrodden assistant invited to the castle of a mysterious Count. The Count's family has suffered a convoluted "curse". Both his father and grandfather beheaded their wives with a special knife then jumped into the sea. His own wife has mysteriously disappeared so he's looking for a new one amongst the actresses. They seem to find nothing at all wrong with this situation. Mass decapitation and copious nudity ensues. Despite a reasonable first fifteen minutes setting things up, Bloodsucker quickly descends into tedium. The first half plays like a topless soap opera and the second like the dullest Sherlock Holmes story ever. It's cheap beyond belief; there's only one (daytime) exterior shot of the castle and it's repeated even when it's supposed to be night time. Colour stock footage of the surrounding sea wasn't affordable so they just use B&W. You get the idea. I guess someone somewhere tried their best with this and it has a sort of naive, hopeless charm to it but honestly? This is poor. *
This naff gothic potboiler finds a troupe of buxom actresses and their downtrodden assistant invited to the castle of a mysterious Count. The Count's family has suffered a convoluted "curse". Both his father and grandfather beheaded their wives with a special knife then jumped into the sea. His own wife has mysteriously disappeared so he's looking for a new one amongst the actresses. They seem to find nothing at all wrong with this situation. Mass decapitation and copious nudity ensues. Despite a reasonable first fifteen minutes setting things up, Bloodsucker quickly descends into tedium. The first half plays like a topless soap opera and the second like the dullest Sherlock Holmes story ever. It's cheap beyond belief; there's only one (daytime) exterior shot of the castle and it's repeated even when it's supposed to be night time. Colour stock footage of the surrounding sea wasn't affordable so they just use B&W. You get the idea. I guess someone somewhere tried their best with this and it has a sort of naive, hopeless charm to it but honestly? This is poor. *
Sunday, 29 January 2012
The Scorpion With Two Tails (1982)
Dir: Sergio Martino
This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *
This was originally made as a 7-part TV mini-series called "Murder in an Etruscan Cemetery" but it never aired. Then some bright spark thought they'd trim it down to 90 minutes and pitch it as a straightforward giallo. The results are impossibly convoluted and, since it's made for TV, all the usual pain-easing gore/nudity is totally absent. Plots about international drug trafficking collide with archaeological fuckery in an Etruscan tomb and some kind of magical reincarnation deal involving crystals and ancient rites while an unseen killer runs around twisting people's necks. Oh, and there are maggots. Lots and lots of maggots. One minute it's like an Indiana Jones film, all rolling boulders and explosions, the next there are gunfights and car chases, then dudes in robes incantating wildly. None of it makes much sense and, owing to the merciless edit, there's no clear structure or pacing either. It just feels like it goes on forever. If it wasn't for leading lady Elvire Audray's beautiful face being in almost every shot and Fabio Frizzi's lovely musical score (admittedly the latter is yoinked from "Gates of Hell" though), it would be impossible to watch. Sorry, Sergio. I love you, man, but this is too much. To paraphrase Beyoncé, I don't think I'm ready for this gialli. *
Monday, 16 January 2012
The Baby (1973)
Dir: Ted Post
An obscure 70s movie that's garnered cult classic status over time, I remember reading about this some twenty years ago and yet I've only now got round to watching it. I have to admit that it was a disappointment. Once you get over the shock of the unpleasant premise, it's really quite a boring film. A grown man with the apparent mental capacity of a small infant is treated like one by his mother and two older sisters. They keep him in a crib, call him only "Baby" and punish him with cattle prods when he does anything that might suggest he's growing up. There's a social worker trying to save "Baby" but it's clear from the start that she may have her own ulterior motives and dark secrets too... Some of the special 70s touches - the hair, the lighting, the costumes, the dancing, Suzanne Zenor - are enjoyable but these can't save the drab, lifeless TV-movie-like script/direction and the fact that it's just a little bit offensive. It deals with heavy subject matter like mental illness and child abuse in a way that's neither sensitive and well-informed, nor intentionally, gleefully tasteless. Instead it's just a bit misguided and leaves an aftertaste somewhere between a yuck and a yawn. *
An obscure 70s movie that's garnered cult classic status over time, I remember reading about this some twenty years ago and yet I've only now got round to watching it. I have to admit that it was a disappointment. Once you get over the shock of the unpleasant premise, it's really quite a boring film. A grown man with the apparent mental capacity of a small infant is treated like one by his mother and two older sisters. They keep him in a crib, call him only "Baby" and punish him with cattle prods when he does anything that might suggest he's growing up. There's a social worker trying to save "Baby" but it's clear from the start that she may have her own ulterior motives and dark secrets too... Some of the special 70s touches - the hair, the lighting, the costumes, the dancing, Suzanne Zenor - are enjoyable but these can't save the drab, lifeless TV-movie-like script/direction and the fact that it's just a little bit offensive. It deals with heavy subject matter like mental illness and child abuse in a way that's neither sensitive and well-informed, nor intentionally, gleefully tasteless. Instead it's just a bit misguided and leaves an aftertaste somewhere between a yuck and a yawn. *
Tuesday, 3 January 2012
Solstice (2007)
Dir: David Myrick
Dullness abounds in this horror that blends two of my least favourite fads of the past decade; post-"Scream" teen soap opera horror and post-"Ring" soggy dead girl ghosts. Ugh. In this one, a group of attractive teens (and two of their notably less attractive friends) drive out to a house in the woods to party on the summer solstice (what with pretty much every other significant date on the calendar having been used up in 80s slashers and all). Then strange, scary things start happening! Oh no, wait. That's a lie. TREMENDOUSLY MUNDANE THINGS start happening. A car won't start and the lights flicker. The water is muddy. A girl falls into a small hole and hurts her ankle. A girl breaks a nail. An old man gives them all a watermelon. A local shopkeeper freaks them all out by talking about voodoo. This yawnfest concludes with a denouement that should be tragic but instead feels hilarious because it's so overplayed and absurd. Don't let the presence of Amanda Seyfried or Shawn Ashmore fool you into thinking this is worth watching. *
Dullness abounds in this horror that blends two of my least favourite fads of the past decade; post-"Scream" teen soap opera horror and post-"Ring" soggy dead girl ghosts. Ugh. In this one, a group of attractive teens (and two of their notably less attractive friends) drive out to a house in the woods to party on the summer solstice (what with pretty much every other significant date on the calendar having been used up in 80s slashers and all). Then strange, scary things start happening! Oh no, wait. That's a lie. TREMENDOUSLY MUNDANE THINGS start happening. A car won't start and the lights flicker. The water is muddy. A girl falls into a small hole and hurts her ankle. A girl breaks a nail. An old man gives them all a watermelon. A local shopkeeper freaks them all out by talking about voodoo. This yawnfest concludes with a denouement that should be tragic but instead feels hilarious because it's so overplayed and absurd. Don't let the presence of Amanda Seyfried or Shawn Ashmore fool you into thinking this is worth watching. *
Thursday, 29 December 2011
Amer (2010)
Dir: Hélène Cattet / Bruno Forzani
Slow, pretentious snoozefest without much in the way of plot shows us three key events in a girl's life that involve sex and death. These incidents are demonstrated largely through endless close-ups of earlobes, fingernails, navels, nostrils, etc. There's some Bava-style lighting and some music stolen from classic gialli but it owes more to French new wave cinema and dialogue-free avant garde directors like Kenneth Anger. The main problem is that while the directors it pays tribute to were genuine mavericks, "Amer" instead just clunkily recycles stuff that's been done better some 30+ years ago. There's nothing challenging about that. It's almost the antithesis of the art they're imitating. I suppose it works as a self-aggrandising showreel for the directors to show off how clever they think they are but, as a film, it's unwatchably dull. *
Slow, pretentious snoozefest without much in the way of plot shows us three key events in a girl's life that involve sex and death. These incidents are demonstrated largely through endless close-ups of earlobes, fingernails, navels, nostrils, etc. There's some Bava-style lighting and some music stolen from classic gialli but it owes more to French new wave cinema and dialogue-free avant garde directors like Kenneth Anger. The main problem is that while the directors it pays tribute to were genuine mavericks, "Amer" instead just clunkily recycles stuff that's been done better some 30+ years ago. There's nothing challenging about that. It's almost the antithesis of the art they're imitating. I suppose it works as a self-aggrandising showreel for the directors to show off how clever they think they are but, as a film, it's unwatchably dull. *
Sunday, 21 March 2010
Open Graves (2009)
Dir: Álvaro de Armiñán
Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.
Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.
Sunday, 5 August 2007
The Ferryman (2007)
Dir: Chris Graham
A group of yachters in peril when they pick up a Greek sailor in distress, who's played by the dwarf from "Lord of the Rings" and speaks like some kind of croaky Welsh rasta. He's all kinds of evil and has cheated death for thousands of years by continually swapping bodies, which he does by stabbing people with his magic dagger. There's so much potential here to be "The Thing at sea" but it fails miserably. Every time he swaps bodies, he immediately starts running about, spouting misogynistic wisecracks and megalomaniacal threats, which makes it obvious which body he's inhabiting at any given time. It also makes it very silly and draining to watch after awhile. The film is also, despite an okay budget, atrociously acted and directed; flaws which just become more critical as the film lapses into absurd melodrama. Yes, it's gruesome and nasty but just too stupid and badly made to work. The whole ludicrous mess culminates with a heavy metal cover of Chris DeBurgh's "Don't Pay The Ferryman", which probably tells you all you need to know. *
A group of yachters in peril when they pick up a Greek sailor in distress, who's played by the dwarf from "Lord of the Rings" and speaks like some kind of croaky Welsh rasta. He's all kinds of evil and has cheated death for thousands of years by continually swapping bodies, which he does by stabbing people with his magic dagger. There's so much potential here to be "The Thing at sea" but it fails miserably. Every time he swaps bodies, he immediately starts running about, spouting misogynistic wisecracks and megalomaniacal threats, which makes it obvious which body he's inhabiting at any given time. It also makes it very silly and draining to watch after awhile. The film is also, despite an okay budget, atrociously acted and directed; flaws which just become more critical as the film lapses into absurd melodrama. Yes, it's gruesome and nasty but just too stupid and badly made to work. The whole ludicrous mess culminates with a heavy metal cover of Chris DeBurgh's "Don't Pay The Ferryman", which probably tells you all you need to know. *
Friday, 6 July 2007
Blood and Chocolate (2007)
Dir: Katja von Garnier
A clutter of cliches mars this soppy teen take on the werewolf myth. Somewhere in Bucharest, a highly organised 'pack' of wolf royalty known as the Loup-Garous hunts their human prey. When one of them (Agnes Bruckner) falls in love with a snotty whining comic book artist (Hugh Dancy), she must fight for her freedom against pathological pack leader Gabriel (Oliver Martinez on hammy autopilot). Oooh, who will win? Will love conquer all? Bah, who cares? I certainly didn't by the time I'd realised that all the stupid, misplaced CGI-enhanced "Underworld"-esque leaping in the world isn't going to enliven this illogical and utterly unengaging bore. Perhaps with some charismatic actors, a tighter script and less of the laughable 'action', this could've worked (there is actually a marginally interesting story underneath all the dross) but as it stands, no. Sorry. That said, I am praying they make a sequel, just so as they can call it "Blood and Chocolate 2 : Electric Loup-garou". *
A clutter of cliches mars this soppy teen take on the werewolf myth. Somewhere in Bucharest, a highly organised 'pack' of wolf royalty known as the Loup-Garous hunts their human prey. When one of them (Agnes Bruckner) falls in love with a snotty whining comic book artist (Hugh Dancy), she must fight for her freedom against pathological pack leader Gabriel (Oliver Martinez on hammy autopilot). Oooh, who will win? Will love conquer all? Bah, who cares? I certainly didn't by the time I'd realised that all the stupid, misplaced CGI-enhanced "Underworld"-esque leaping in the world isn't going to enliven this illogical and utterly unengaging bore. Perhaps with some charismatic actors, a tighter script and less of the laughable 'action', this could've worked (there is actually a marginally interesting story underneath all the dross) but as it stands, no. Sorry. That said, I am praying they make a sequel, just so as they can call it "Blood and Chocolate 2 : Electric Loup-garou". *
Friday, 1 June 2007
The Gingerdead Man (2005)
Dir: Charles Band
I have no idea what happened to Charles Band. In the heyday of Empire Pictures, he funded and/or directed some of my favourite 80s genre flicks, from bonafide classics like "From Beyond" to enjoyably puerile trash like "Ghoulies" or "Trancers", so how did it come to this? Did killer alien puppets eat his brain? "The Gingerdead Man" looks like it's made by teen amateurs, rather than someone who's been in the business for over 30 years. It's a cheap, shot-on-video affair about an executed serial killer (Gary Busey) whose ashes wind up, improbably, in some dough mix. Cue a 12 inch killer gingerbread man who can wield a knife, shoot a gun and even drive a car. This sounds like great fun, I know, but the level of gore matches the FX budget (ie: very low), the acting is terrible and the script is clumsy and meandering. Even at a scant 71 minutes, it felt like I was watching this terrible sub-home-movie junk for hours. Avoid. *
I have no idea what happened to Charles Band. In the heyday of Empire Pictures, he funded and/or directed some of my favourite 80s genre flicks, from bonafide classics like "From Beyond" to enjoyably puerile trash like "Ghoulies" or "Trancers", so how did it come to this? Did killer alien puppets eat his brain? "The Gingerdead Man" looks like it's made by teen amateurs, rather than someone who's been in the business for over 30 years. It's a cheap, shot-on-video affair about an executed serial killer (Gary Busey) whose ashes wind up, improbably, in some dough mix. Cue a 12 inch killer gingerbread man who can wield a knife, shoot a gun and even drive a car. This sounds like great fun, I know, but the level of gore matches the FX budget (ie: very low), the acting is terrible and the script is clumsy and meandering. Even at a scant 71 minutes, it felt like I was watching this terrible sub-home-movie junk for hours. Avoid. *
Wednesday, 4 April 2007
Reeker (2005)
Dir: Dave Payne
Very dodgy US indie effort about a group of partying teens who end up stranded at a spooky motel in the middle of the desert, whilst on their way to a rave. The game is soon afoot and they start getting picked off by a mystery killer. The twist? You can't see him; but you can smell him! Hence the title. All the requisite cliches of the genre are out in force and, whilst the gore FX are decent, I just felt as though this was a horror movie for people who've never seen a horror movie before. All its tricks and turns were so patently obvious it made me want to scream for all the wrong reasons. The frequent attempts at black humour were ill-timed and poorly delivered enough to feel downright uncomfortable and the CGI 'fumes' used to denote the killer's stench just looked ridiculous. This one started off with about two and a half stars, but just kept worsening with each increasingly ludicrous and predictable plot development leading up to the catastrophic, verboten twist. Pants. Big steaming pants. That's what you can smell. *
Very dodgy US indie effort about a group of partying teens who end up stranded at a spooky motel in the middle of the desert, whilst on their way to a rave. The game is soon afoot and they start getting picked off by a mystery killer. The twist? You can't see him; but you can smell him! Hence the title. All the requisite cliches of the genre are out in force and, whilst the gore FX are decent, I just felt as though this was a horror movie for people who've never seen a horror movie before. All its tricks and turns were so patently obvious it made me want to scream for all the wrong reasons. The frequent attempts at black humour were ill-timed and poorly delivered enough to feel downright uncomfortable and the CGI 'fumes' used to denote the killer's stench just looked ridiculous. This one started off with about two and a half stars, but just kept worsening with each increasingly ludicrous and predictable plot development leading up to the catastrophic, verboten twist. Pants. Big steaming pants. That's what you can smell. *
Sunday, 4 February 2007
The Eye 10 (...Infinity) (2005)
Dir: Oxide and Danny Pang
Well, the good news is that the ordinarily po-faced Pang Brothers seem to have developed a sense of humour. The bad news is that it isn't funny. This inconsistent comedy/horror sequel bears little relation to the previous two "Eye" films. A teenager purchases a useful old book called "10 Ways To See Ghosts" and tries to conjure spirits through its arcane suggestions. The tone of the movie shifts between frat-house comedy (who'd've thought that a single, well-placed fart in the spirit world could dispel demons?) to the moody'n'spooky style the Pangs are renknowned for, but since most of the scenes are neither funny nor scary, it fails on both levels. Instead we're treated to mindless shit like a five minute sequence of a girl being chased down a corridor by a supernatural basketball. There is only one joke that's funny (it involves the kid from the first "Eye" film being kicked in the face - rar!) and the rest of the movie is pure tedium. As ever, the atmosphere and photography are lush but this, to me, just says the Pangs should stick to music videos. They clearly can't write a screenplay to save their lives. Sigh. Do you remember when Asia was at the cutting edge of the genre? Seems like such a very long time ago now.
Well, the good news is that the ordinarily po-faced Pang Brothers seem to have developed a sense of humour. The bad news is that it isn't funny. This inconsistent comedy/horror sequel bears little relation to the previous two "Eye" films. A teenager purchases a useful old book called "10 Ways To See Ghosts" and tries to conjure spirits through its arcane suggestions. The tone of the movie shifts between frat-house comedy (who'd've thought that a single, well-placed fart in the spirit world could dispel demons?) to the moody'n'spooky style the Pangs are renknowned for, but since most of the scenes are neither funny nor scary, it fails on both levels. Instead we're treated to mindless shit like a five minute sequence of a girl being chased down a corridor by a supernatural basketball. There is only one joke that's funny (it involves the kid from the first "Eye" film being kicked in the face - rar!) and the rest of the movie is pure tedium. As ever, the atmosphere and photography are lush but this, to me, just says the Pangs should stick to music videos. They clearly can't write a screenplay to save their lives. Sigh. Do you remember when Asia was at the cutting edge of the genre? Seems like such a very long time ago now.
Thursday, 1 February 2007
Blade 2 (2002)
Dir: Guillermo del Toro
This gory but mundane sequel finds our fearless vampire killer (Wesley Snipes) joining forces with his undead nemeses, in order to defeat the Reapers, a new strain of super-vamps with explodey faces and curiously long tongues. This entails, essentially, a two hour chase through the neon-drenched streets of Prague. Two hours is a long time. The visual style is slicker than in the first film and the explodey face effect on the Reapers is fantastic. However, this one's let down by having almost no storyline at all. What little there is lacks pace or focus and it renders even the most visually striking of action sequences quite dull and meaningless. The film's also SERIOUSLY overlong although I did appreciate the way that, in the final reel, there is a sprinkle of reassuring dialogue like "it's nearly over" and "it won't be long now" (just to ensure no one leaves the cinema early, I suppose). Basically, unless the sight of Ron Perlman in a shiny rubber suit, blowing bubblegum, appeals to you (in which case, can I just pause to say "eww"?) then you're better off skipping this one. *
This gory but mundane sequel finds our fearless vampire killer (Wesley Snipes) joining forces with his undead nemeses, in order to defeat the Reapers, a new strain of super-vamps with explodey faces and curiously long tongues. This entails, essentially, a two hour chase through the neon-drenched streets of Prague. Two hours is a long time. The visual style is slicker than in the first film and the explodey face effect on the Reapers is fantastic. However, this one's let down by having almost no storyline at all. What little there is lacks pace or focus and it renders even the most visually striking of action sequences quite dull and meaningless. The film's also SERIOUSLY overlong although I did appreciate the way that, in the final reel, there is a sprinkle of reassuring dialogue like "it's nearly over" and "it won't be long now" (just to ensure no one leaves the cinema early, I suppose). Basically, unless the sight of Ron Perlman in a shiny rubber suit, blowing bubblegum, appeals to you (in which case, can I just pause to say "eww"?) then you're better off skipping this one. *
Thursday, 21 December 2006
Tokyo Psycho (2004)
Dir: Ataru Oikawa
Amateurish shot-on-video cheapie from the director of the popular "Tomie" series. In this one, a young girl (Sachiko Kokubu) is sent a curiously stained note that reads "YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME", after which she finds herself the victim of a psycho stalker. It's revealed very early on in the film (ie: within the first 20 minutes) that the antagonist is a chap she went to high school with, who had a crush on her and has had trouble letting go. I have to admit, even as an expert on inappropriate crushes myself, I still feel that force-feeding centipedes to the one you love is quite a bizarre approach and his other tactics (which I'll leave you to find out, should you deign to watch the film) are equally unsuccessful. I guess that's why he's a psycho. The best thing about the movie is that it's only 78 minutes long, but even this is spread thin given that I've just managed to cover the entire plot in a couple of lines. The pre-credits sequence (a creepy, bloodstained drag queen in whiteface pushing his hands through a letterbox) is quite jarring but sadly has little to do with the rest of the movie. Even some of the weird/unsettling/grotesque imagery later on (including a horrible close-up face-ripping) can't save this one from drowning in its own pointlessness. Plus, the excess cackling/gurning in the final reel is thoroughly uncalled for. Unintentional amusement stems from the director's message at the very end, in which he tells us that the Japanese police don't take stalking seriously enough (why he made the film, apparently) and that we should all "be careful". Indeed. *
Amateurish shot-on-video cheapie from the director of the popular "Tomie" series. In this one, a young girl (Sachiko Kokubu) is sent a curiously stained note that reads "YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME", after which she finds herself the victim of a psycho stalker. It's revealed very early on in the film (ie: within the first 20 minutes) that the antagonist is a chap she went to high school with, who had a crush on her and has had trouble letting go. I have to admit, even as an expert on inappropriate crushes myself, I still feel that force-feeding centipedes to the one you love is quite a bizarre approach and his other tactics (which I'll leave you to find out, should you deign to watch the film) are equally unsuccessful. I guess that's why he's a psycho. The best thing about the movie is that it's only 78 minutes long, but even this is spread thin given that I've just managed to cover the entire plot in a couple of lines. The pre-credits sequence (a creepy, bloodstained drag queen in whiteface pushing his hands through a letterbox) is quite jarring but sadly has little to do with the rest of the movie. Even some of the weird/unsettling/grotesque imagery later on (including a horrible close-up face-ripping) can't save this one from drowning in its own pointlessness. Plus, the excess cackling/gurning in the final reel is thoroughly uncalled for. Unintentional amusement stems from the director's message at the very end, in which he tells us that the Japanese police don't take stalking seriously enough (why he made the film, apparently) and that we should all "be careful". Indeed. *
Sunday, 5 November 2006
Infection (2004)
Dir: Masayuki Ochiai
Messy in several senses of the phrase, this deeply strange Japanese film is set in the worst hospital ever. The doctors and nurses complain about being short-staffed, but seem to have no time management skills whatsoever. A patient who falls over demands the attention of at least two or three of them and, when another is accidentally killed, almost the entire staff (bar the only vaguely capable doctor who is, of course, sleeping) run around panicking before deciding to slowly cook the body in an empty ward (and then they complain about there being no bed space!). This unintentionally hilarious nonsense (think "Scrubs" on mogadon) ensues for some time before the infection in the title hits and everyone starts turning to green goo and bursting. But fear not, because an army of about five hundred increasingly incoherent twist endings is on hand to fix things and make it all right. Maybe. *
Messy in several senses of the phrase, this deeply strange Japanese film is set in the worst hospital ever. The doctors and nurses complain about being short-staffed, but seem to have no time management skills whatsoever. A patient who falls over demands the attention of at least two or three of them and, when another is accidentally killed, almost the entire staff (bar the only vaguely capable doctor who is, of course, sleeping) run around panicking before deciding to slowly cook the body in an empty ward (and then they complain about there being no bed space!). This unintentionally hilarious nonsense (think "Scrubs" on mogadon) ensues for some time before the infection in the title hits and everyone starts turning to green goo and bursting. But fear not, because an army of about five hundred increasingly incoherent twist endings is on hand to fix things and make it all right. Maybe. *
Sunday, 8 October 2006
From Dusk 'Til Dawn 2 : Texas Blood Money (1999)
Dir: Scott Spiegel
I admit only picked up this Z-grade sequel on the grounds that it had Tiffani-Amber Thiessen on the front cover. For anyone else who may share such base motives, I warn you, she appears only for two minutes at the very start of the movie (with Bruce Campbell!) but gets mauled by bats in a gratuitous scene that's unrelated to the rest of the film. A shame because the real cast members (excluding Robert Patrick, who's always good value) fail to engage, as they blunder their monotone way through a truly abysmal screenplay. The whole story from start to finish is given away on the back of the UK DVD box and that lasts only a paragraph. I can probably do it in a sentence: Texan bank robbers on the run get attacked by lame-ass rubber-faced vamps. Unlike the first one, which shares a similar concept, this isn't stylish, fast, funny nor particularly gory (even KNB's usually sterling FX work looks fake and awful here). Characterisation is non-existent and clichéd. Spiegel's direction grates enormously and the kooky camera angles that worked so well in his debut, "Intruder", simply annoy and look hokey here (those 'camera between the fangs' shots are embarrassingly n00b). To cap it all off, this one includes THE single dullest shoot-out scene in the history of cinema and one monumentally feeble attempt at a plot 'twist' that's so contrived, I actually winced aloud. They should be ashamed of this one. *
I admit only picked up this Z-grade sequel on the grounds that it had Tiffani-Amber Thiessen on the front cover. For anyone else who may share such base motives, I warn you, she appears only for two minutes at the very start of the movie (with Bruce Campbell!) but gets mauled by bats in a gratuitous scene that's unrelated to the rest of the film. A shame because the real cast members (excluding Robert Patrick, who's always good value) fail to engage, as they blunder their monotone way through a truly abysmal screenplay. The whole story from start to finish is given away on the back of the UK DVD box and that lasts only a paragraph. I can probably do it in a sentence: Texan bank robbers on the run get attacked by lame-ass rubber-faced vamps. Unlike the first one, which shares a similar concept, this isn't stylish, fast, funny nor particularly gory (even KNB's usually sterling FX work looks fake and awful here). Characterisation is non-existent and clichéd. Spiegel's direction grates enormously and the kooky camera angles that worked so well in his debut, "Intruder", simply annoy and look hokey here (those 'camera between the fangs' shots are embarrassingly n00b). To cap it all off, this one includes THE single dullest shoot-out scene in the history of cinema and one monumentally feeble attempt at a plot 'twist' that's so contrived, I actually winced aloud. They should be ashamed of this one. *
Tuesday, 29 August 2006
The Texas Chainsaw Massacre : The Next Generation (1994)
Dir: Kim Henkel
This perplexingly banal send-up of the series from its original creator pits a group of swiftly disposable teens against a bizarre new family of chainsaw-wielding murderers. That's really all there is, plotwise. Renée Zellweger runs around and screams. Matthew McConaughey runs after her and screams even more (by Christ, he's such an irritating hack actor; how on Earth did he get famous?). Some guy called Robert Jacks plays Leatherface, but he doesn't do a lot besides scream, run around and, uh, dress up as a woman. In drag, he's a deadringer for Kelly Osbourne; this is probably the scariest part of the movie. Otherwise, it's predictable, moronic stuff and devoid of thrills, gore or even the laughs it seems to be striving for with its, um, eccentric brand of black comedy. I have absolutely no clue what the ending (featuring a time-travelling Marilyn Burns cameo) is supposed to mean, but I detect it's some kind of surrealist private joke that the audience hasn't been let in on. Maybe I just don't understand the subtle nuances of Kim Henkel's Texan humour, but this is 83 minutes of my life that I will never see again and that saddens me a little. *
This perplexingly banal send-up of the series from its original creator pits a group of swiftly disposable teens against a bizarre new family of chainsaw-wielding murderers. That's really all there is, plotwise. Renée Zellweger runs around and screams. Matthew McConaughey runs after her and screams even more (by Christ, he's such an irritating hack actor; how on Earth did he get famous?). Some guy called Robert Jacks plays Leatherface, but he doesn't do a lot besides scream, run around and, uh, dress up as a woman. In drag, he's a deadringer for Kelly Osbourne; this is probably the scariest part of the movie. Otherwise, it's predictable, moronic stuff and devoid of thrills, gore or even the laughs it seems to be striving for with its, um, eccentric brand of black comedy. I have absolutely no clue what the ending (featuring a time-travelling Marilyn Burns cameo) is supposed to mean, but I detect it's some kind of surrealist private joke that the audience hasn't been let in on. Maybe I just don't understand the subtle nuances of Kim Henkel's Texan humour, but this is 83 minutes of my life that I will never see again and that saddens me a little. *
Sunday, 30 July 2006
Unborn But Forgotten (2003)
Dir: Chang-jae Lim
Soporific Korean entry into the endless sub-"Ring" cycle, that looked far more interesting on the box than is actually the case. This one involves a beautiful investigative reporter (the tragically late Eun-ju Lee) who stumbles across a spooky website. Turns out that every woman who clicks on it ends up with a phantom pregnancy and dead within 15 days. No prizes for guessing there's a soggy dead girl seeking vengeance and hugs in this story somewhere. The movie's nicely shot, as seems to be almost mandatory for anything coming out of Korea nowadays, and the performances are good, but it's snail-paced, low on logic and so derivative that you can spend the entire film second-guessing it without much effort, as long as you've seen one of the other five zillion "Ring" clones that have been clogging up the Asian film industry for far too long now. Flush. *
Soporific Korean entry into the endless sub-"Ring" cycle, that looked far more interesting on the box than is actually the case. This one involves a beautiful investigative reporter (the tragically late Eun-ju Lee) who stumbles across a spooky website. Turns out that every woman who clicks on it ends up with a phantom pregnancy and dead within 15 days. No prizes for guessing there's a soggy dead girl seeking vengeance and hugs in this story somewhere. The movie's nicely shot, as seems to be almost mandatory for anything coming out of Korea nowadays, and the performances are good, but it's snail-paced, low on logic and so derivative that you can spend the entire film second-guessing it without much effort, as long as you've seen one of the other five zillion "Ring" clones that have been clogging up the Asian film industry for far too long now. Flush. *
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