Thir13en Ghosts (2001)

Dir: Steve Beck

This typical early-2000s spookfest marketed to teens sees Monk Tony Shalhoub and his family inherit a crazy mechanical mansion from a wayward uncle who apparently "squandered the family's fortune" and died on a ghost hunt. Obviously (far TOO obviously), the mansion is not all it seems and, before long, there are ghosts running amok in double figures, just like the title promises. This isn't too bad a premise and the production design is pleasant, but the script is a total disaster. It tells everything in an awkward order in an effort to provide "twist" after shocking "twist" but instead just succeeds in sucking out the tension and logic from a convoluted story that was teetering on the edge of nonsense anyway. If they'd kept it simpler (and ditched at least two or three extraneous characters) this would've been better but, even then, you've got the annoying strobe lights, madcap editing and mawkish sentimental streak to deal with. Matthew Lillard and Tony Shalhoub both act well with what they're given but overall this is a pretty poor reminder of a particularly shiny-but-empty period in mainstream horror history. *

Baron Blood (1972)

Dir: Mario Bava

Sumptuous gothic horror in which cocky young upstart Peter Kleist (Antonio Cantafora) flies out to Vienna to visit the castle of a long-dead distant ancestor... All sounds fine and dandy and like a setup for a nice tea party until you find out said ancestor was known around the village as Baron Blood and had a penchant for impaling people on spikes and hanging them from his castle ramparts. But wait! It gets worse because Peter's got an ancient parchment that can raise the Baron from the dead as a result of some convoluted witch's curse or other and... well, you know the rest, I'm sure. The script is pretty generic and predictable but master stylist Bava brings it to life with his usual array of dizzying camera work, phenomenal lighting and Escher-like set design. It helps that the dazzling Elke Sommer gets to show off about sixteen different designer outfits, but mostly this film is worth watching for the 'classic' horror atmosphere, all cobwebs and skulls, clanging bells, thunderstorms, flickering candles and creepy secret passageways. You just want to turn all the lights off and watch it alone on a rainy night with a goblet of blood (legal note: red wine is also available). It's simple but effective; a lovely old-fashioned movie and they really don't make them like this any more. **1/2

Witchery (1988)

Dir: Fabrizio Laurenti

(aka Ghosthouse 2, La Casa 4, Witchcraft)

Ropey late-80s Italian chiller in which a sexy virgin (Leslie Cumming, whose tragically short film career consists of just this and the even worse "Zombie 5 : Killing Birds") gets trapped on a haunted island with a witch, a pregnant girl (Linda Blair!), a rich old couple, some creepy real estate agents, a kid with the most annoying voice EVER and... (wait for it)... David Hasselhoff. What the Hoff was doing in this is beyond me but it marks either the high or the low point of his career, depending on how you judge things. There are many dubious aspects of "Witchery" - it's slow, badly acted, cheaply made and not entirely logical - but I have a soft spot for the sheer weirdness level. The gore FX are nasty and imaginative, it almost manages to be spooky at times and there are a few trippy, messed-up ideas buried beneath the more obvious ones (ie: while it's no surprise that Linda Blair's character gets possessed, it certainly feels new when she hallucinates two witches roasting a foetus on an open fire!). I'd never try to say this was a GOOD movie but it's easily watchable B-Grade fodder and there's much worse out there. **

The Nesting (1981)

Dir: Armand Weston

An agoraphobic author moves into a haunted (former) whorehouse in this early 80s potboiler. All the staple haunted house elements are present (breaking glasses, strange noises, disappearing furnishings, etc) and although the conceit of agoraphobia provides a nifty answer to the perennial "Why don't you just leave?" question in these movies, there are few other surprises. The twist is signposted from very early on and while it's not a terrible one, it all feels a little bit TV Movie Of The Week. What's bizarre is that this is the only "straight" feature by the mysterious and enigmatic (and now dead) hardcore porn director Armand Weston. Perhaps he was intentionally playing it very safe in order to launch a mainstream career (if so, it didn't work) but, sadly, I think a large dose of nudity (of which there's almost none) and gore (of which there's little beyond one pretty mean sickle-in-the-face moment) is exactly what's needed. Especially for a haunted whorehouse movie! It's all very sweet and sincerely made but, sadly, there's not a lot here that's memorable. As a bonus, there are some quotably bad one-liners though ("You're too crazy to be crazy!" and "You wanted to type on my typewriter!" being two examples). **

Hausu (1977)

Dir: Nobuhiko Obayashi

If you've read about this recently rediscovered film already, you've probably heard that it's completely insane. It is, for sure, but it's also unexpectedly rather excellent. Yes, you have rapid-fire hallucinogenic visuals, stop-motion surrealist slapstick and an ear-splitting free jazz score played in time signatures you'd need Stephen Hawking to calculate. However, this is also a tremendously innovative, energetic and fierce piece of filmmaking. It often feels like you're riding on a 100mph ghost train built by Mario Bava but there's an effective old-fashioned haunted house story at its heart that both anchors it to reality (of sorts) and provides some genuine spookiness to temper the psychedelia. It's also strangely moving. "Hausu" is certainly not going to be a film for everyone but love it or hate it, you'll never see anything like it: guaranteed. "The Happiness of the Katakuris" is the closest comparison I can come up with but that was made 20+ years later, which only goes to show how way ahead of its time "Hausu" was... ***1/2

Hansel & Gretel (2007)

Dir: Pil-Sung Yim

This surreal Korean spookfest starts off with a dude crashing his car and waking up in a forest. He is led through the trees by a young girl who takes him to The House of Happy Children, a building in the woods where three kids live with their parents and an inordinate number of toys. Before you can yell "Dude, look out! Those kids are creepy as balls!" he works it out for himself and tries to leave. However, no matter how far he walks away from the house, he is unable to leave and keeps returning... The film doesn't work completely - there are one or two minor holes and, at 2 hours, it's waaaaaay too long - but it's got a strong concept, wonderful set design, a lot of atmosphere and quite an emotionally affecting reveal when the mystery of the house is finally made apparent. A solid scary movie. **1/2

The House With Windows That Laughed (1976)

Dir: Pupi Avati

A bizarre film that mixes a giallo-style plot with gothic aesthetic and political allegory to unique effect. The story tells of Stefano, a heroically-bearded restoration expert invited to a small and creepy island to work on a painting of St Sebastian that's been uncovered on the wall of their church. Turns out it's by a legendary local artist known as the "Painter of Agony", whose dark and horrible past intertwines with Stefano's present, leading to a shocking and violent denouement. There's a perfectly sinister atmosphere to the film and I defy anyone to see the twist coming (one of the best in any gialli I've seen) but the film is slooooow, so you'll need some patience if you're going to get into it and get the most out of it. On the bright side, no matter how little is happening onscreen, Stefano's ever-stylish array of shirts, ties and sleeveless jumpers should keep you entertained as you "ooh" and "aah" over his wardrobe (all of which he managed to pack in his obviously Tardis-like travel bag). But, seriously, there's so much more to like here if you stick with it. An underrated classic that's well worth checking out. ***

The Haunting of #24 (2005)

Dir: Sean Hogan

(aka Lie Still)

Okay. A low budget British horror film that isn't like watching someone's home videos is shocking enough in itself, but this one's actually REALLY good to boot. A haunted house movie with serious nods to both MR James and Kubrick's "Shining", this atmospheric chiller tells the archetypal ghost paranoia tale: a man moves into a grotty bedsit after a relationship break-up and finds himself possibly tormented by the supernatural inhabitants. It's not exactly a surprise how events pan out, but it's done so well that I found myself repeatedly shocked into jumping by the beautifully orchestrated scares and genuinely creepy set-pieces that make "1408"'s overblown theatrics look laughable. It's refreshing to see a film that can be dark, artfully photographed, intelligently scripted and SCARY, even without much of a budget. Just proves that a little natural talent can go a long way. A very pleasant surprise. ***1/2

1408 (2007)

Dir: Mikael Håfström

A hack writer of ghostly guide books (John Cusack) checks into a supposedly haunted room at a New York hotel, with intent to expose it as a hoax. Needless to say, it isn't a hoax and, before long, the clichés are wheeled out in their droves. The room goes hot! The room goes cold! Hark! The sound of infants crying in the walls! You know the drills. It's actually done rather well for the first forty five minutes or so and there are even some nicely orchestrated jump scares. Sadly, as you'd expect from a Stephen King adaptation, it all goes a bit too far in the final reel and loses its understated subtlety in favour of screen-saturating CGI, convoluted dream sequences and faux-philosophical sentimentalism. Like the movie "Dead End", it builds up so many creepy ideas that it paints itself into a corner from which it can only escape via a massive cop-out. There are worse movies and it's nice to see a traditional ghost story on the big screen again, but this won't change your life. What I mostly took away from it was that I want to get my own little Samuel L. Jackson that lives in my fridge and talks shit at me. **

Darkness (2002)

Dir: Jaume Balagueró

Make sure you get the uncut version of this rather than the Disney edit which cuts out a lot of the plot, almost all of the gore and dubs over the swear words with "gollly darn gosh" style silliness that takes you right out of it. However, if you watch it as the director intended, it's a very nice surprise indeed. Much like Balagueró's debut, "The Nameless", "Darkness" is a creepy and vicious depiction of pure evil as a supernatural force. It begins with the tired, overused motif of a family moving into a new and creepy home, but gradually unfolds into something far more sinister and original. The magnificently bleak ending is stylish, sombre and sobering stuff. ***1/2

Amityville 3D (1983)

Dir: Richard Fleischer

Truly laughable Amityville sequel with yet another new family moving into the famous haunted house. There's apparently a well in the basement (where did this come from?) and I'm sure you don't need the likes of me to tell you that it's the gateway to Hell. This simple premise is dragged out for what seems like forever with a whole slew of ludicrous subplots and false scares, before we finally get to see what appears to be a giant rubber toad springing up from down below. For all of five seconds. The film was shot in 3D which renders a lot of shots pointless and curiously surreal when watched on the TV (if you weren't aware, you may wonder why the camera lingers endlessly on spinning lamps and moving plates). But even if you're generous enough to overlook the weird angles and gratuitous flying objects, this one's still a hootin' hunk'o'junk. May be notable for a very early Meg Ryan appearance, although if you think this is notable, you're probably on the wrong website! If it wasn't for the lovely Lori Loughlin in a wet white dress, I'd struggle to think of anything worth seeing in this film. *

Amityville II : The Possession (1982)

Dir: Damiano Damiani

Easily the best of the Amityville series for my mileage, this prequel tells the story of young Sonny Montelli, a teenager who, upon hearing voices from beyond, starts being rude to priests, screwing his sister, as well as bulging and bubbling in strange places under the skin. Oh, the urges to kill his whole family are worrying him too. It's a lovely coming of age story though, really. The first hour of the movie is extremely perverse and grimy, as well as being sinister enough to make your flesh creep. Sadly, in the final reel, there's a quarter of an hour of police detectives fannying about but all it redeems itself with a frenetically O.T.T. climax in which John Caglione's amazing special FX skills are shown off to jawdropping effect. The mean-spiritedness and pervasive darkness of the screenplay coupled with a bunch of convincing performances make this one superior stuff. It has the vile, tawdry leer of a grindhouse movie but with a Hollywood budget. A personal favourite. ***1/2