The Ring Virus (1999)

Dir: Dong-bin Kim

It's very difficult to review this Korean adaptation of Kôji Suzuki's "Ring" novel so late in the day. Having seen the Japanese "Ring" series, the American remakes and the myriad knock-offs that polluted the shelves of the Horror section for the best part of a decade, I feel I know the story too well. A cursed video tape. You watch it and die seven days later. A single mother watches it by mistake and must find out how to break the curse before it's too late. Bring on the soggy dead girls. "The Ring Virus" doesn't offer much in the way of newness in 2012 but this is a shame because, taken on its own merits, it's actually one of the better offerings in the whole dreary cycle. It's really nicely shot (without all the washed-out blue that poisoned many of the other films in this vein), has a decent, coherently crafted script, a few eerie moments (although the special FX in the famous ghost reveal scene are maybe a little ropey) and even a couple of the more daring elements from the novel that were left out of the Japanese version. It's just a shame I didn't see this one first, 12 years ago, before I knew the story inside out. **

Hausu (1977)

Dir: Nobuhiko Obayashi

If you've read about this recently rediscovered film already, you've probably heard that it's completely insane. It is, for sure, but it's also unexpectedly rather excellent. Yes, you have rapid-fire hallucinogenic visuals, stop-motion surrealist slapstick and an ear-splitting free jazz score played in time signatures you'd need Stephen Hawking to calculate. However, this is also a tremendously innovative, energetic and fierce piece of filmmaking. It often feels like you're riding on a 100mph ghost train built by Mario Bava but there's an effective old-fashioned haunted house story at its heart that both anchors it to reality (of sorts) and provides some genuine spookiness to temper the psychedelia. It's also strangely moving. "Hausu" is certainly not going to be a film for everyone but love it or hate it, you'll never see anything like it: guaranteed. "The Happiness of the Katakuris" is the closest comparison I can come up with but that was made 20+ years later, which only goes to show how way ahead of its time "Hausu" was... ***1/2

Hansel & Gretel (2007)

Dir: Pil-Sung Yim

This surreal Korean spookfest starts off with a dude crashing his car and waking up in a forest. He is led through the trees by a young girl who takes him to The House of Happy Children, a building in the woods where three kids live with their parents and an inordinate number of toys. Before you can yell "Dude, look out! Those kids are creepy as balls!" he works it out for himself and tries to leave. However, no matter how far he walks away from the house, he is unable to leave and keeps returning... The film doesn't work completely - there are one or two minor holes and, at 2 hours, it's waaaaaay too long - but it's got a strong concept, wonderful set design, a lot of atmosphere and quite an emotionally affecting reveal when the mystery of the house is finally made apparent. A solid scary movie. **1/2

Tokyo Gore Police (2008)

Dir: Yoshihiro Nishimura

Unbelievable Japanese cyberpunk fantasy set in a future where the cops have been privatised by the shoot-first-ask-questions-later Tokyo Police Corporation and mutants run wild. Having been disappointed by J-Horror in the past couple of years, I'd dismissed "Tokyo Gore Police" because it looked zany and ironic and like novelty junk but I couldn't've been more wrong. There is certainly a little comedy in there and the gore is way over the top (definitely more, pint-for-pint, than anything I've seen in over twenty years of watching these kind of films) but the film's angry politics and obsessive Cronenbergian body horror lend it a depth that makes it fly. As jaded as I am, I spent most of this open-mouthed thinking "I have never seen ANYTHING like this before" and for that I sing its highest praises. When amputees with samurai swords for arms and legs and oversized prosthetic penises that shoot bullets are two of the less sensational set-pieces, you know you're in for a treat. A modern masterpiece of surrealist genius that makes "Tetsuo: The Iron Man" look like "Tetsuo: The Nerf Kid". ****

The Eye 10 (...Infinity) (2005)

Dir: Oxide and Danny Pang

Well, the good news is that the ordinarily po-faced Pang Brothers seem to have developed a sense of humour. The bad news is that it isn't funny. This inconsistent comedy/horror sequel bears little relation to the previous two "Eye" films. A teenager purchases a useful old book called "10 Ways To See Ghosts" and tries to conjure spirits through its arcane suggestions. The tone of the movie shifts between frat-house comedy (who'd've thought that a single, well-placed fart in the spirit world could dispel demons?) to the moody'n'spooky style the Pangs are renknowned for, but since most of the scenes are neither funny nor scary, it fails on both levels. Instead we're treated to mindless shit like a five minute sequence of a girl being chased down a corridor by a supernatural basketball. There is only one joke that's funny (it involves the kid from the first "Eye" film being kicked in the face - rar!) and the rest of the movie is pure tedium. As ever, the atmosphere and photography are lush but this, to me, just says the Pangs should stick to music videos. They clearly can't write a screenplay to save their lives. Sigh. Do you remember when Asia was at the cutting edge of the genre? Seems like such a very long time ago now.

Tokyo Psycho (2004)

Dir: Ataru Oikawa

Amateurish shot-on-video cheapie from the director of the popular "Tomie" series. In this one, a young girl (Sachiko Kokubu) is sent a curiously stained note that reads "YOU HAVE TO MARRY ME", after which she finds herself the victim of a psycho stalker. It's revealed very early on in the film (ie: within the first 20 minutes) that the antagonist is a chap she went to high school with, who had a crush on her and has had trouble letting go. I have to admit, even as an expert on inappropriate crushes myself, I still feel that force-feeding centipedes to the one you love is quite a bizarre approach and his other tactics (which I'll leave you to find out, should you deign to watch the film) are equally unsuccessful. I guess that's why he's a psycho. The best thing about the movie is that it's only 78 minutes long, but even this is spread thin given that I've just managed to cover the entire plot in a couple of lines. The pre-credits sequence (a creepy, bloodstained drag queen in whiteface pushing his hands through a letterbox) is quite jarring but sadly has little to do with the rest of the movie. Even some of the weird/unsettling/grotesque imagery later on (including a horrible close-up face-ripping) can't save this one from drowning in its own pointlessness. Plus, the excess cackling/gurning in the final reel is thoroughly uncalled for. Unintentional amusement stems from the director's message at the very end, in which he tells us that the Japanese police don't take stalking seriously enough (why he made the film, apparently) and that we should all "be careful". Indeed. *

Infection (2004)

Dir: Masayuki Ochiai

Messy in several senses of the phrase, this deeply strange Japanese film is set in the worst hospital ever. The doctors and nurses complain about being short-staffed, but seem to have no time management skills whatsoever. A patient who falls over demands the attention of at least two or three of them and, when another is accidentally killed, almost the entire staff (bar the only vaguely capable doctor who is, of course, sleeping) run around panicking before deciding to slowly cook the body in an empty ward (and then they complain about there being no bed space!). This unintentionally hilarious nonsense (think "Scrubs" on mogadon) ensues for some time before the infection in the title hits and everyone starts turning to green goo and bursting. But fear not, because an army of about five hundred increasingly incoherent twist endings is on hand to fix things and make it all right. Maybe. *

Dark Devil

Dir: Denchat Rakyart

A Thai village is terrorised by a black magician who specialises in killing women and then bringing them back to life as subserviant undead housewives. This is an appealing prospect to various village sleazeballs who enlist the conjurer's help in enslaving their respective crushes. But never fear; all this misogynist villainy is thwarted by a pair of righteous Buddhist monks, who use karma and dharma to kick evil's ass! RIGHTEOUS, DUDES! This is a very strange film indeed; it plays like a public access rural soap opera (shot on camcorder, bright pastel colours everywhere, tranquil muzak, inane villager chatter ad nauseam) and then every now and again it feels as though someone has mischievously superimposed a bunch of CGI ghouls and gore over the top. If it wasn't so damn weird (made even weirder by the excruciating 'Engrish' subtitles on the R3 DVD), this would probably be unwatchable. It's essentially one 80-minute-long advert for Buddhism, but its combination of the unpredictable and the banal keeps it oddly engaging (for all the wrong reasons) on a first viewing. The ending has to be seen to be believed and, while I don't wish to ruin it for you, I can tell you it involves giant spectral cows fighting with lightning bolts in the sky. Oh yes. Also essential viewing for anyone amused by seemingly endless scenes in which Thai goofballs vomit up rusty nails, scorpions and, at one point, swords. EL BOMBA!

Unborn But Forgotten (2003)

Dir: Chang-jae Lim

Soporific Korean entry into the endless sub-"Ring" cycle, that looked far more interesting on the box than is actually the case. This one involves a beautiful investigative reporter (the tragically late Eun-ju Lee) who stumbles across a spooky website. Turns out that every woman who clicks on it ends up with a phantom pregnancy and dead within 15 days. No prizes for guessing there's a soggy dead girl seeking vengeance and hugs in this story somewhere. The movie's nicely shot, as seems to be almost mandatory for anything coming out of Korea nowadays, and the performances are good, but it's snail-paced, low on logic and so derivative that you can spend the entire film second-guessing it without much effort, as long as you've seen one of the other five zillion "Ring" clones that have been clogging up the Asian film industry for far too long now. Flush. *

Slim 'Til Dead (2005)

Dir: Wong Jing/Marco Mak

Sporadically gruesome, occasionally sardonic and undeniably slick thriller from the ever-dependable Wong Jing production line (with help from his protege Mak). "Slim 'Til Dead" (aka "Sul Sun") stars Anthony Wong as an ineffectual cop tracking down a serial killer. The victims are all glamour idols who promote a slimming centre called Friends of Fitness and regularly appear on a TV Show, "Slim Queen". Their bodies are found either horribly starved or mutilated until they weigh exactly 70lb (at which point they're stamped with a delicatessen barcode proclaiming this). This isn't exactly top-drawer filmmaking but it's solid enough entertainment, moves along at a good pace, is loaded with quality actors and has a decent enough twist at the end to have made it worth your while. There's also a wonderfully shot scene in a room of mirrors that, whilst an overdone trick, looks fantastic. Good popcorn fodder. Would work inappropriately well on a double bill with Brett Leonard's "Feed". **1/2

Moon Child (2003)

Dir: Takahisa Zeze

Considering this was co-written by and stars Japanese pop stars Hyde and Gackt from Malice Mizer, I was expecting an ineffectual bit of fluff at best. It's fluffy, sure, but it's fluff in the best possible sense. Set in the future, "Moon Child" follows the intertwined lives of a gang of street kids, growing up in a violent, hopeless gun culture. As children, they save a vampire from burning himself alive in the sunlight and he becomes integrated into their bleak lives, watching as they grow up and learn life's lessons the hard (and often bloody) way. The film is directed with skill, beautifully photographed and impeccably acted (Gackt, in particular, excels himself). The storyline never ceases to be engaging and is in turns funny, thrilling and even a little moving. An action-packed feast for the senses and a phenomenal exercise in 'hip'. Sort of like a "Lost Boys" for the cyberpunk generation. Unique stuff. ***1/2

Kakashi (2001)

Dir: Norio Tsuruta

This unusual, low-key Japanese chiller tells the story of Kaoru (Maho Nonami of "2LDK" fame), a girl searching for her brother who has disappeared, leaving only a mysterious letter behind. The return address leads Kaoru to an isolated village where the mute, antisocial inhabitants are preparing for a 'Kakashi' (scarecrow) festival ... The atmosphere throughout the film is very moody and the scarecrows are creepy as anything (but then again, scarecrows frighten the pants off of me in any context); I really loved the photography, the use of the rural setting and the cast (especially Kou Shibasaki as the obligatory evil little girl). I thought the film had enormous potential. Then it all fell to pieces in the second half and stopped making sense. I could just about see what it was getting at but the screenplay is too clumsy and confused to fully come together. By the end, you'll be scratching your head and wishing they could've spent a bit more time on keeping things coherent. Characterisation is nil. A waste of some nice ideas. *1/2

Death Train (2005)

Dir: Kazuyuki Sakamoto

Surreal Hideshi Hino story about three schoolgirls who catch a train to the local amusement park. The train crashes but the girls survive, only to find that little parts of their surroundings seem to be coming apart at the seams. Strangers live in their houses, pretending to be family. Mother sneaks into the bedroom at night with no head. Armies of zombies prowl the streets. Dismembered corpses come to life. 50-foot ghost girls stomp around behind the buildings. That sort of thing. The girls must (naturally) use their wits to escape this hallucinatory Hell-world but, sadly, this is done so slowly and aimlessly that any strange or interesting ideas the film has get left behind to drown in a big puddle of pointlessness. The sort-of 'twist' in the tale is apparent from about ten minutes in. It's all well-directed and acted, the gore is nicely done and I appreciate the characteristic weirdness of Hino's imagination but ultimately, "Death Train" is an atrociously-paced movie that left me feeling frustrated and unsatisfied. *1/2

The Ravaged House (2004)

Dir: Kazuyoshi Kumakiri

Another Hideshi Hino adaptation from those nice folk over at Pony Canyon Distribution. This one is set in rural Japan and tells of a boy who, somewhat inexplicably, contracts a horrible flesh-eating disease that eventually turns him into a bulbous, worm-like lump of drippy stuff. As usual with Hino, the main story's focus is a gradual destruction of the human body but unlike, say, "Mermaid in a Manhole", the onscreen grue is kept to a minimum, occuring mostly beneath bandages here. Instead, Kazuyoshi Kumakari's sympathetic screenplay turns the attention to the reactions of the boy's family and his fellow villagers. Although mildly interesting, this never develops far enough to fully arrest the viewer which is a pity since the direction here is fantastic. The atmosphere is stark and eerie - reminiscent of Shindô's "Onibaba" or "Kuroneko" - and the photography is some of the most convincing Digital Video stuff I've ever seen. It's great to see that films that look this good can be made on such a low budget but I just wish they could've done a bit more with the story. **1/2

The Boy From Hell (2005)

Dir: Mari Asato

A demented Japanese gore film, based on a manga by the ever-crazy Hideshi Hino, tells the twisted story of a doctor (Mirai Yamamoto) who loses her son in a car accident (he is decapitated by a passing lorry while leaning out the window!). On the advice of a witch, she kidnaps a terminally ill child from the hospital and slits his throat with a giant fang over the grave of her own dead lad. This, of course, brings her beloved back as a hideously deformed zombie boy who develops a habit for eating his peers alive. Although loaded with inventively surreal imagery, as expected for a Hino adaptation, "The Boy From Hell" never quite takes off. It seems to strive for a blackly comic poignancy, kind of like a sick "Frankenstein" retelling, but the lack of substance (and occasionally even sense) lets it down. It's fast paced enough, with sufficient cartoon gore to hold the attention throughout some of the more derivative plot devices, but by the time it finished, I was left wondering what the point was. By Hino's standards, this is astonishingly tame too. **