Demon Under Glass (2002)

Dir: Jon Cunningham

A vampire serial killer is captured, taken to a secret government examination room and kept under scrutiny of a team of scientists in this smart slowburning horror. Jason Carter plays the vamp with cool, edgy aplomb and is flanked brilliantly by Garrett Maggart as the sensitive doctor who is ordered to carry out tests, take samples and keep his subject fed with donated blood. At first, the pair keep a polite distance between them but, as the tests become more gruelling, the doctor begins to feel an uneasy compassion for his subject and a deadly psychological chess game begins. "Demon Under Glass" doesn't go for a simple "the real monsters are us!" revelation and instead tackles an array of moral and emotional scenarios with rare restraint and intelligence. The film is engaging, eerie and an admirable example of what can be achieved on a seemingly non-existent budget when you've got a tight script, two strong leads and an original, unpredictable idea with depth. An underrated little gem that's been unfairly consigned to the 50p bargain bin. ***

Near Dark (1986)

Dir: Katheryn Bigelow

I watched this by accident on TV when I was about 14, absolutely loved it and somehow never saw it again despite it being a "major" big budget movie that's been readily available on all formats throughout my lifetime. I think part of me was afraid that, as an adult, I'd watch it and the magic of that one intense, late-night viewing would somehow be ruined. But no. "Near Dark" is still as fantastic as it ever was. Part modern-day western, part outlaw road movie, part vampire romance; Adrian Pasdar plays a straw-chewin' horse-ridin' goober who takes home a beautiful girl and gets more than he bargained for. After being bitten and turned into a creature of the night, he's forced to hit the trails with her fucked-up vampire "family" (led by a never-more-menacing Lance Henriksen), where he must either adjust to their lifestyle of nightly mass murder or die. There are one or two minor elements of "Near Dark" that are a little corny I suppose - and the flashy (though admittedly breathtaking) action sequences as every bit as OTT as you'd expect from the director of "Point Break" - but there's just something about it that gets under the skin and stays there. The script is a pitch-perfect combination of contemporary edginess and classic Hollywood. You can feel the dusty heat of the southern settings and almost taste the darkness at times. The characterisation is wonderful (there could've been an extra hour of just talking and it still wouldn't feel too long) and the infamous barroom massacre scene is still one of the most shocking ten minutes of horror cinema I can think of. A genuinely great horror film. ****

Lips of Blood (1975)

Dir: Jean Rollin

A man finds himself haunted by vague childhood memories of meeting and falling in love with a girl in a spooky ruined castle. When he sees a photograph of the same ruins as an adult, he becomes obsessed with tracking down his lost love in this typically strange and beautiful Jean Rollin vampire film. If you've seen any of Rollin's work, you'll probably already either worship him or curse his name and Lips Of Blood - packed as it is with his staple ingredients - will do nothing to change your opinion. The plot is slight but effective, a vehicle for his perfectly framed shots of beautiful women in flamboyant costumes floating through the Parisian night, sticking their plastic fangs into the necks of anything that moves. There's a serene, dreamlike atmosphere and a bittersweet sense of regret and nostalgia to this one too and, beneath its cryptic exterior, something very personal indeed. If he'd only made one film, this would be a true classic - if anything, it's just the fact that he's made so many of a similar style/standard that dilutes its brilliance. ***1/2

Black Magic Rites (1974)

Dir: Renato Polselli

(aka The Reincarnation of Isabel)

I'm not even sure where to begin with trying to explain this. There's a witch/vampire called Isabella who gets burnt at the stake in some nebulous past where everyone wears funny hats. 500 years later, a cult of old dudes in red morphsuits try to ressurect her by killing naked virgins in a castle. Maybe? It's hard to tell because half of the actors play multiple roles and, thanks to fit-inducing editing, no shot lasts for more than a second or two. There's constant fire, psychedelic lighting, whips, chains and abundant nudity from some pretty ladies, yet somehow the total lack of coherence and technical ineptitude makes this near-unwatchable. The denouement includes 3-way sex with a podgy vampire who can't stop blinking, two naked girls prodded by pensioners with sticks for what seems like forever, a hunchbacked Donald Pleasance lookalike thrown into a snake pit with only two snakes in it, and a peculiar vision of Hell that's all red lycra and girls chained to stepladders. This film was lost for decades and, watching it now, it's not hard to see why. It is like staring directly into the mind of a complete lunatic. EL BOMBA!

Alucarda (1978)

Dir: Juan López Moctezuma

Batshit crazy Mexican horror that had me muttering "they don't make 'em like this any more" at the screen more than just about anything else I've ever seen. An innocent orphan named Justine (of COURSE she's named Justine!), who looks a bit like a young Carol Vorderman only more naked, enters a bizarre convent that seems to have been built inside a cave. It's covered in dangling Christ statues and candles, the nuns all dress in bloodied bandages and flagellate frequently, so it's really no surprise when fanaticism leads to lesbianism leads to Satanism leads to the dark side, etc... It is, however, a surprise when you throw in a bunch of vampirism, zombie nuns, blood rain, nuns on fire and goat-faced demons. Words can't describe how hysterical much of Alucarda is. It finally delivers on the promise of so many "all sizzle, no steak" nunsploitation films of its era. The truly insane gypsy black mass sequence alone wipes the floor with much of the subgenre. If you like 70s occult/psychedelic imagery, you'll find very little that will quell the hunger like this one. A lost classic. Just don't expect it to actually make sense (the film's only real flaw) and you'll love it! ***1/2

Vamp (1986)

Dir: Richard Wenk

Irresistible 80s comedy-horror with a trio of dorks needing to hire a stripper in order to get into the frat house of their choice. Unfortunately, they end up at the After Dark Club where the dancers (led by the inimitable Grace Jones) are perhaps a little TOO exotic. Bloodsucking mayhem (that undoubtedly inspired "From Dusk 'Til Dawn") ensues. Although she's only onscreen for maybe 15 minutes of the run time, Jones steals the show with her hypnotic dancing and jaw-dropping costumes (a dress made of wire!) but this isn't to say the rest of the film isn't worthwhile. The whole thing is neon-lit in pornographic pinks and greens that look gorgeous. The lead actors have good chemistry which helps the jokes fly high and the horror, when it happens, is full of splattery, rubbery goodness. Stylish and zippy, "Vamp" holds its own and hasn't dated as badly as many of its peers. Still worth a bite. ***

Lemora : A Child's Tale of the Supernatural (1973)

Dir: Richard Blackburn

I am so pleased this has finally been given a (fantastic) DVD release, courtesy of Synapse Films. It's one of my all-time favourites, for sure. Panned upon its initial release and "lost" for years, this micro-budget creepfest is a must-see for anyone who likes atmospheric, surreal horror and is worth the cash just for the late Cheryl Smith, who gives her finest performance as Lila Lee, The Singin' Angel. If David Lynch wasn't influenced by the weirdness of this pale-faced behind-the-curtain nightmare world that Lila plunges into, I'd be astonished. Lesley Gilb, as the titular Lemora, also gives a tour-de-force performance (and doesn't appear to blink once!). The feel of the film is very much like another one-off classic, "Carnival of Souls" (director Blackburn, like "Carnival"'s Herk Harvey, never made another film) and, if you like that one, please seek this out. I honestly can't extol its virtue enough. It's a truly beautiful, lyrical horror film that's really hard to put out of your mind once you've seen it. ****

I Sell The Dead (2008)

Dir: Glenn McQuaid

Wildly inventive period piece in which two grave robbers boost their trade by supplying a more exotic product. Sadly, once they start exhuming the corpses of vampires, zombies and aliens (!), this attracts the attention of some very unsavoury local characters. Building up slowly, this one goes from the sublime to the ridiculous quite effortlessly and while it could maybe do with a little polishing, there are enough outlandish ideas, hilarious one-liners and Abbot & Costello style japery to ensure a good time is had by all. Dominic Monaghan and Larry Fessenden make a formidable double-act and their arch-nemeses, the Murphys provide the missing link you never knew existed between Charles Dickens and Quentin Tarantino characters. A strong debut. More like this one, thanks. ***

Blade: Trinity (2004)

Dir: David S. Goyer

Gratuitous third installment in this series of mindless vamp-romps sees Blade (Wesley Snipes) teaming up with a hip and happening team of young slayers called The Nightstalkers to take on Dracula himself. Sadly, Dracula looks and dresses like a reject from a German hip hop band and isn't a convincingly dangerous enemy for a second of his screen time (although he does throw a baby across a rooftop at one point - ouch). This film is simultaneously the best and worst of the series. The plot is lazy, derivative and full of holes; the acting is atrocious; the dialogue is almost entirely made up of sub-Joss-Whedon wisecracking, and the whole script is littered with misguided pop culture references (ie: "She loves to listen to mp3s when she hunts. Dark core and trip hop, you know"). However, it's the best because it has A VAMPIRE POMERANIAN ATTACKING A SHIRTLESS RYAN REYNOLDS. Genius! Reynolds shines throughout this and his (possibly improvised) dialogue is frequently hilarious, loaded with creative language like "cockjuggling thundercunt". Still, even his screen time can't save this most cynical and ridiculous effort. The (nonsensical) ending paves the way for a fourth "Blade" movie. God help us all. EL BOMBA!

Blade 2 (2002)

Dir: Guillermo del Toro

This gory but mundane sequel finds our fearless vampire killer (Wesley Snipes) joining forces with his undead nemeses, in order to defeat the Reapers, a new strain of super-vamps with explodey faces and curiously long tongues. This entails, essentially, a two hour chase through the neon-drenched streets of Prague. Two hours is a long time. The visual style is slicker than in the first film and the explodey face effect on the Reapers is fantastic. However, this one's let down by having almost no storyline at all. What little there is lacks pace or focus and it renders even the most visually striking of action sequences quite dull and meaningless. The film's also SERIOUSLY overlong although I did appreciate the way that, in the final reel, there is a sprinkle of reassuring dialogue like "it's nearly over" and "it won't be long now" (just to ensure no one leaves the cinema early, I suppose). Basically, unless the sight of Ron Perlman in a shiny rubber suit, blowing bubblegum, appeals to you (in which case, can I just pause to say "eww"?) then you're better off skipping this one. *

Blade (1998)

Dir: Stephen Norrington

Action-packed comic book adaptation about a leather-clad mutant bad-ass (Wesley Snipes) who devotes his life to avenge his mother's death at the hands of nocturnal predators (vampires, not raccoons). To make things worse, there's a conspiracy afoot involving Stephen Dorff and some ancient, gelatinous Blood God, which threatens to put our hero out of action once and for all if he doesn't fight back with krazy kung-fu and novelty gadgets. This brief synopsis should warn you not to expect anything cerebral and, in fairness, "Blade" is pacy enough to not be completely dull. Unfortunately, the story never quite engages and the almost constant stream of atrocious CGI effects manages to detract from, well, everything. There are no real surprises here and, in spite of a few imaginative action sequences, the plot is stunningly predictable. Even brief cameos from trash icons like Traci Lords and Udo Kier don't improve things as much as they should do. Maybe I was just tired; maybe I wasn't in the right mood but overall, this just didn't do much for me. *1/2

Bloodrayne (2005)

Dir: Uwe Boll

This wildly lavish costume horror from the scrambled brain of Uwe Boll is allegedly set in 18th century Romania, although any historical or geographical accuracy is ignored with gleeful abandon. The story centres on Rayne (Kristanna Loken), a half-human/half-vampire girl who seeks vengeance upon her evil undead father (Ben Kingsley, who here resembles the Pilsbury dough boy playing a kung-fu Marquis de Sade). He, meanwhile, is after some kind of magical talisman (aren't they always?) and it all leads to one big ol' swordfight. Somehow, Boll got a budget for this nonsense. The screenplay is written by Guinevere Turner ("American Psycho", "The Notorious Betty Page"), although this doesn't stop it from being riddled with ludicrous, anachronistic trumpery. The cast is full of 'name' actors (Michelle Rodriguez, Billy Zane, Udo Kier; even Meat Loaf pops up to grope Romanian prostitutes and get his ear bitten off!) but they seem to deliver their lines on auto-pilot and often with incomprehensible accents that sound like Cockney market sellers with Downs Syndrome (a symptom of the faux-period dialogue perhaps?). In spite of all this, the film somehow managed to entertain me and I found it hard to truly dislike. It's fast-paced, full of nudity and cartoon gore by the bucketload, and it's completely without shame. It's a big colorful whirlwind of trash and it's rare nowadays to see such Z-Grade exploitation on a dangerously high budget. They even replay ALL the gore at the end in slo-mo for maximum exploitation points. As if this wasn't enough, they gave Boll regular Will Sanderson a mohawk, a horse and his own private army. This can only be a good thing. ***

From Dusk 'Til Dawn 2 : Texas Blood Money (1999)

Dir: Scott Spiegel

I admit only picked up this Z-grade sequel on the grounds that it had Tiffani-Amber Thiessen on the front cover. For anyone else who may share such base motives, I warn you, she appears only for two minutes at the very start of the movie (with Bruce Campbell!) but gets mauled by bats in a gratuitous scene that's unrelated to the rest of the film. A shame because the real cast members (excluding Robert Patrick, who's always good value) fail to engage, as they blunder their monotone way through a truly abysmal screenplay. The whole story from start to finish is given away on the back of the UK DVD box and that lasts only a paragraph. I can probably do it in a sentence: Texan bank robbers on the run get attacked by lame-ass rubber-faced vamps. Unlike the first one, which shares a similar concept, this isn't stylish, fast, funny nor particularly gory (even KNB's usually sterling FX work looks fake and awful here). Characterisation is non-existent and clichéd. Spiegel's direction grates enormously and the kooky camera angles that worked so well in his debut, "Intruder", simply annoy and look hokey here (those 'camera between the fangs' shots are embarrassingly n00b). To cap it all off, this one includes THE single dullest shoot-out scene in the history of cinema and one monumentally feeble attempt at a plot 'twist' that's so contrived, I actually winced aloud. They should be ashamed of this one. *

Moon Child (2003)

Dir: Takahisa Zeze

Considering this was co-written by and stars Japanese pop stars Hyde and Gackt from Malice Mizer, I was expecting an ineffectual bit of fluff at best. It's fluffy, sure, but it's fluff in the best possible sense. Set in the future, "Moon Child" follows the intertwined lives of a gang of street kids, growing up in a violent, hopeless gun culture. As children, they save a vampire from burning himself alive in the sunlight and he becomes integrated into their bleak lives, watching as they grow up and learn life's lessons the hard (and often bloody) way. The film is directed with skill, beautifully photographed and impeccably acted (Gackt, in particular, excels himself). The storyline never ceases to be engaging and is in turns funny, thrilling and even a little moving. An action-packed feast for the senses and a phenomenal exercise in 'hip'. Sort of like a "Lost Boys" for the cyberpunk generation. Unique stuff. ***1/2