Phenomena (1984)

Dir: Dario Argento

Jennifer Connelly talks to the insects and befriends a monkey with a penchant for straight razors in this marvelously bonkers giallo. Phenomena blends a classic "killer on the loose in a girls boarding school" plotline with sprinklings of the gothic grand guignol Argento played with in "Suspiria" and "Inferno" and somehow it works. I think it's mostly Argento's tremendous confidence in what he's doing that pulls "Phenomena" through. At times even the really terrible artistic decisions (like playing Iron Maiden's "Flash of the Blade" loudly over the top of a knife murder) kinda work just because everything's so amped up and stylized. It's like he's just shrugging and saying "so what? I think it's cool" and that works. What's particularly cool is that, although it's not remotely realistic, the plot actually makes a strange kind of sense by the end. Or maybe the film's just obliterated the bothersome braincells that were raising objections. Good shit. ***1/2

Inferno (1980)

Dir: Dario Argento

Beautifully barmy, this gothic horror from Argento's halcyon period is definitely his most abstract and Bava-esque creation (unsurprisingly since Bava worked, uncredited, on the set design). There's a story in there somewhere about the architect who built the houses for The Three Mothers (the demonic witches from Suspiria) and some keys that must be found are an adequate MacGuffin to drag a group of characters through a whirlwind of surreal, violent imagery. The script's approach to matters magical and esoteric is surprisingly perceptive but it's less effective when it comes to linear storytelling. Looking better than ever on Blu Ray, I feel the only way to properly digest Inferno is to detach it from reality and just go with it. It's not a film for everyone but it is a fascinating and unique entry into Argento's oeuvre. ***

Zombeak! (2006)

Dir: Sam Drog

This killer "chick" flick's as low-budget as they come but there's an endearing enthusiasm to it that almost helps it fly (no pun intended). Some Satanists are trying to bring about the coming of the Devil but they get interrupted by local rednecks out to kick evil's ass. As a result, it all goes cock-eyed (no pun intended) and the Devil winds up in the body of a sacrificed chicken. This lively and inventive premise is enriched by some very funny dialogue ("This blasphemy! It's like razors in my brain!") in the first half but sadly loses its way a little when the gore kicks in. The chicken puppet itself is great fun at but most of the splattery stuff is very, very bad CGI. It's a shame because, in a film like this one, the red stuff has to be the pay-off and here it's woefully lacking. I'm sure there are legitimate budgetary reasons for using CGI but I can't begin to imagine how a few Super-Soakers full of corn syrup would cost more? Still, there are way worse movies out there. At least this has some cool ideas and a cast who seem to be having a ball with it. **

Open Graves (2009)

Dir: Álvaro de Armiñán

Another day, another dreadful direct-to-video disaster. This clueless clunker stars Eliza Dushku as one of a group of thirty-something "youngsters" who come into the possession of a spooky old game called Mamba. Apparently, the game dates back to the Spanish Inquisition but, luckily, all the cards that come with it are written in English. Cryptic, rhyming English that may or may not hint at the impending violent demise of those who pick the cards. This could be a simple enough premise for a decent if derivative B-Movie but "Open Graves" fails on just about every level. The characters barely even pass muster as one-dimensional cut-outs and the development of the plot is incoherent. By the time you reach the obvious (yet strangely nonsensical) twist, you'll have long lost interest in its mix of cruddy dialogue and cringefully bad CGI FX. I'll give this one star because the board game design looks pretty cool and because I'm sick of handing out zero star ratings at the moment.

Black Sheep (2007)

Dir: Jonathan King

Genetic experiments gone awry create a flock of mutant sheep, hungry for human flesh. If you've read any pulp novels from the 70s or 80s, you'll have heard this plot more times than you care to remember, featuring any animal from crabs to pigs and back again. When you factor in that this is a New Zealand film, the use of sheep becomes depressingly obvious. However, much kudos to first-time writer/director King for taking such a tired idea and actually making it fly. "Black Sheep" is great. The characters, although stereotypes, are fleshed out enough to make you care. The dialogue is sharp. The jokes are way more hit than miss (including one scene in a truck that had me, literally, in tears with laughter) and there's an intelligence, even to the dumbest of fart gags, that forces the film to restrain itself when in risk of going too far. Throw in some well- orchestrated scenes of tension and horror, gooey prosthetic FX and slick cinematography and you've got a winner. This low-key little movie is far closer to Edgar Wright than it is to Peter Jackson. A nice effort and I look forward to seeing what comes next from these guys. ***

The Breed (2006)

Dir: Nicholas Mastandrea

Wes Craven "presents" this directorial debut for Nicholas Mastandrea about a group of five kids who go to a remote island to party and, you guessed it, end up getting stalked and killed by a pack of huge, angry dogs that make Cujo look like the Andrex puppy. While there's nothing new whatsoever in this concept and it's clumsily handled on occasion, I found "The Breed" to be a painlessly entertaining 90 minutes. You get one or two great nailbiting moments of suspense, lots of fun footage of big dogs going mental and the female leads (Michelle Rodriguez and Taryn Manning from "Lost" and "CSI" respectively) scarcely put on anything more substantial than a bikini, so the film clearly knows and plays to its audience. That said, I'd personally have enjoyed it, even if it were boiled down to 90 minutes of the awesome dogs running around like mad things so my review may be a bit biased. Cat lovers can stick with "The Uncanny" instead. Losers. **1/2

The Uncanny (1977)

Dir: Denis Héroux

Cute horror anthology with Peter Cushing playing a writer who's pathologically suspicious of cats (oddly enough, I could relate to him, which may explain my curious liking of this script). He tries to convince his agent that cats are controlling humans. To do this, he spins a series of eerie yarns about them, each a cautionary tale that ends with some kind of nefarious (and often bloody) feline intervention. Call me a sucker, but I like this one more than I probably should. The tongue-in-cheek final section, a nifty Poe homage with Donald Pleasance as a murderous, platitude-spouting actor who gets his comeuppance is particularly enjoyable, but the film is worth the admission anyway, just for an earlier scene in which a young maid is pounced up by about a hundred flying stuffed cats being hurled by offscreen crew members. Great stuff! This certainly won't change your life, but it's an easy enough, unpretentious slice of mindless, macabre fun and you could do a lot worse. Cushing is spot-on, as ever. ***

Isolation (2005)

Dir: Billy O'Brien

It takes guts to make a straight-faced horror movie, set in rural Ireland, with MUTANT COWS as the central antagonists. Luckily "Isolation" has an abundance of guts, both in the literal and metaphorical sense of the term. When a genetic experiment to make cows more fertile goes wrong, the farm is quarantined and the people inside it find themselves trapped with the experiment's horrific results. The film is eerily atmospheric and shot with deadpan realism. These elements contrast against the outrageous creature design and gutwrenching carnage onscreen to make for a disquieting experience. If the film lacks anything, it's a strong ending (the finalé is a fairly typical "chase through the dark" sequence) but the ultra-tense build-up more than makes up for this. Original, enjoyable and loaded with well-orchestrated scares, this is a remarkable debut for O'Brien and I can't wait to see what he does next. ***

Snakes on a Plane (2006)

Dir: David R. Ellis

Yes, it's a horror film. At least, by my definition it can slot snugly into the genre anyhow. It's surprisingly retro in its structure and theme; there haven't been many good 'killer animal' movies since the early 80s so it's nice to get one that doesn't mess around and delivers exactly what the title promises. Snakes. On a plane. And tons of them too. Sadly they're almost all CGI (they turn to rubber snakes when they die though!) but, aside from this, I've really no complaints. A Bad Man lets loose hundreds of deadly, illegal snakes on a plane in order to bring it down. There's a key witness on there whom he intends to destroy. What he hadn't banked on was Samuel L Jackson, a hard-boiled FBI Agent, who, before long, has "had it with these motherfucking snakes on this motherfucking plane". The script is sharp, funny and vibrant, playing inventively with a tried-and-tested formula. It's loaded with gratuitous gore (ie: nipples are bitten off by snakes, snakes eat a guy's penis, snakes go in eye sockets, down throats, etc) and a few decent jump shocks. What really makes it is that, unlike so many modern films that purport to be thrilling and aren't, it's never boring. Good on them for that. It's all too rare. ***

Weasels Rip My Flesh (1979)

Dir: Nathan Schiff

This debut feature by shoestring gorehound Nathan Schiff involves radioactive weasels leaving a trail of blood of slime across the Long Island countryside. There's some kind of gibberish subplot with a mad scientist and two "Starsky and Hutch" style cops infiltrating his underground laboratory but you'll be more interested in waiting for the giant papier-maché weasel/human crossbreed to appear. The atrocious sound quality makes it sometimes difficult to keep up with this clearly very cerebral storyline but the entertaining cheapo FX and the directorial enthusiasm help keep it afloat. The giant weasels are a joy to behold so, if anything, "Weasels Rip My Flesh" probably best watched at a party with the sound turned off altogether and The Mothers of Invention album of the same name pumping on your stereo. **